How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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I Was Dying Way Before Every Other Celebrity Started Doing It

Look, I don't want to be one of those whiny famous dudes who spends his days ragging on other famous dudes in the press. That's not what I'm about. But this whole thing with celebrities dying has just become such a crock of shit, man. Such a crock of shit. I'm telling you, dying when you're incredibly famous has been done. By me. I was doing that shit 15 years ago, and now people are acting like it's some new trendy thing.

Come on. I was tragically dying before my time way before all these other pop culture mainstays. I was burning out and not fading away back when they were all still living successful, healthy lives a thousand miles from death's door.

Honestly, I cannot begin to tell you how fucking weak it is in this day and age for famous people to die like it's some sort of big accomplishment. What is this, 1994? Whatever happened to formulating your own ideas? Don't just die because I did it, man. Find your own thing. See, people don't think for themselves anymore, that's the problem. And why not? Because the corporations who control the media outlets in this country have taught you all to shut up and eat your bowl of slop like good little piggies.

Well, fuck them, and fuck their slop. I never played that game. My death existed totally outside of the corporate structure for what famous people "can" and "can't" do. And then, a little more than a year after I die, Jerry Garcia drops dead because it's suddenly "hip" to do so. Give me a fucking break, man.

And that shit is still happening, to this day.

I mean, if you're going to die famous—like, really fucking die—then at least do it with some originality, you know? Don't cop out with some cancer or cardiac arrest thing. That's not how I wanted to go out. No way. I did it myself, man. DIY style. I didn't need a whole bunch of doctors and fancy medical equipment and the comfort of assorted friends and family to pass away in a highly publicized manner. Fuck that. All I needed was a shotgun, some heroin, a couple of Valiums, and Automatic For The People spinning on the turntable. Simple. Perfect. Punk rock.

Not that it wasn't watered down later by the media, of course. It's a shame, because my death was so much more pure and raw before those smiley-faced vanilla merchants tried to sugarcoat it and force it down your throats on MTV.

And okay, fine, all famous people who die are inspired by the famous people who died before them, and no idea for dying is original, and all the rest of that tired crap. And of course I acknowledge the influence that the deaths of Sid Vicious, James Dean, Jimi Hendrix, and Dylan Thomas had on me. That's a given. But I worked really hard and paid my dues as an artist to get to the point where I could die in a maelstrom of tabloid scrutiny, and I didn't wait until I was fiftysomething years old to do it, either. No way, man. Twenty-seven years old. Just a crazy punk kid from Aberdeen, WA who made it happen.

So if you're some young little fucker sitting in your parents' basement somewhere, listening to your Mudhoney records, jamming on your shitty little Sears-bought guitar, and dreaming of being a big, famous, dead person one day, let me give you a word of advice: Don't bother. Sure, getting famous and dying will bring you more attention than you could ever hope for and make your family tons of money. But trust me, it ain't worth it. Because one day, years later, some freakish R&B; clown, or grizzled old pinup girl, or well-respected newsman is going to kick the bucket and claim all the credit for what you started. And then your ass is nothing but a memory.

So just forget about dying famous, kids. It's a sad truth, but one you've got to face: You'd be better off alive.

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