I Was Dying Way Before Every Other Celebrity Started Doing It

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Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.
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I Was Dying Way Before Every Other Celebrity Started Doing It

Look, I don't want to be one of those whiny famous dudes who spends his days ragging on other famous dudes in the press. That's not what I'm about. But this whole thing with celebrities dying has just become such a crock of shit, man. Such a crock of shit. I'm telling you, dying when you're incredibly famous has been done. By me. I was doing that shit 15 years ago, and now people are acting like it's some new trendy thing.

Come on. I was tragically dying before my time way before all these other pop culture mainstays. I was burning out and not fading away back when they were all still living successful, healthy lives a thousand miles from death's door.

Honestly, I cannot begin to tell you how fucking weak it is in this day and age for famous people to die like it's some sort of big accomplishment. What is this, 1994? Whatever happened to formulating your own ideas? Don't just die because I did it, man. Find your own thing. See, people don't think for themselves anymore, that's the problem. And why not? Because the corporations who control the media outlets in this country have taught you all to shut up and eat your bowl of slop like good little piggies.

Well, fuck them, and fuck their slop. I never played that game. My death existed totally outside of the corporate structure for what famous people "can" and "can't" do. And then, a little more than a year after I die, Jerry Garcia drops dead because it's suddenly "hip" to do so. Give me a fucking break, man.

And that shit is still happening, to this day.

I mean, if you're going to die famous—like, really fucking die—then at least do it with some originality, you know? Don't cop out with some cancer or cardiac arrest thing. That's not how I wanted to go out. No way. I did it myself, man. DIY style. I didn't need a whole bunch of doctors and fancy medical equipment and the comfort of assorted friends and family to pass away in a highly publicized manner. Fuck that. All I needed was a shotgun, some heroin, a couple of Valiums, and Automatic For The People spinning on the turntable. Simple. Perfect. Punk rock.

Not that it wasn't watered down later by the media, of course. It's a shame, because my death was so much more pure and raw before those smiley-faced vanilla merchants tried to sugarcoat it and force it down your throats on MTV.

And okay, fine, all famous people who die are inspired by the famous people who died before them, and no idea for dying is original, and all the rest of that tired crap. And of course I acknowledge the influence that the deaths of Sid Vicious, James Dean, Jimi Hendrix, and Dylan Thomas had on me. That's a given. But I worked really hard and paid my dues as an artist to get to the point where I could die in a maelstrom of tabloid scrutiny, and I didn't wait until I was fiftysomething years old to do it, either. No way, man. Twenty-seven years old. Just a crazy punk kid from Aberdeen, WA who made it happen.

So if you're some young little fucker sitting in your parents' basement somewhere, listening to your Mudhoney records, jamming on your shitty little Sears-bought guitar, and dreaming of being a big, famous, dead person one day, let me give you a word of advice: Don't bother. Sure, getting famous and dying will bring you more attention than you could ever hope for and make your family tons of money. But trust me, it ain't worth it. Because one day, years later, some freakish R&B; clown, or grizzled old pinup girl, or well-respected newsman is going to kick the bucket and claim all the credit for what you started. And then your ass is nothing but a memory.

So just forget about dying famous, kids. It's a sad truth, but one you've got to face: You'd be better off alive.