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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

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I Was Placed On This Earth To Put Off Doing Something Extraordinary

Ever since I was born three weeks overdue, it was clear that there was something different about me. However, it wasn't until I postponed going into the ninth grade, just days before delaying my 16th birthday, that I realized what it is that makes me unique.

You see, I was placed on this earth to put off doing something extraordinary and I won't settle for holding up anything less.

I'm on a different path than most. A higher path. A path that takes numerous detours until one finds oneself, many months later, back where one first started. It's a long, hard road, but I know that if I just take things one lateral step at a time, I will at last defer achieving my true potential.

Mark my words: Nothing will get in the way of me getting things in the way of my goal.

Whether it's never finding the time to search for a cure for cancer, dedicating my life to abandoning the idea of helping those less fortunate so that I might instead watch The Game Show Network, or pushing aside the urge to start a family in order to spend time at the local bar, I take solace in knowing that I was meant to not follow through on something remarkable.

It's not the type of thing I can explain, especially not during my aimless daylong drives around town, or my spontaneous bouts of sitting in silence. It's more of a feeling I plan to someday put into words. Unlike other people, I know that when I surf the Internet for hours and hours, rather than simply killing time, I'm avoiding doing something truly spectacular.

I may not seem like much now, but someday everyone will see that I'll be more or less at the same place I am today. Many will count me out. They'll say that I don't have what it takes to stay focused on my dream, that I lack the determination to not succeed. Well, I can hardly wait to see the looks on their faces next year when I'm still five to seven years away from being something spectacular.

If I stay off task and dedicate myself 15 percent, I can become as big as the almost-greats of the past, the men who could've become Einstein, Galileo, or even Edison—men of limitless untapped potential who exhibited a nearly unparalleled capacity for procrastination. Like them, God has a plan for me. An amazingly vague plan that drags its feet and never really gets going until it's too late.

I guess you could say I'm one of the lucky ones.

Every morning when I wake up just as the sun is about to rise, before realizing how early it is and going back to bed, I have only one thing on my mind—getting a bit more shut-eye. I'm telling you, in time, I'm going to reschedule doing something so utterly amazing, I can't even start to think about it right now. Or later tonight, because that's when the Sanford And Son marathon is going to be on.

You only get one chance to delay the important things in life, and it's a chance I'm not going to hold up setting back unless I'm especially preoccupied.

What am I going to not do? Who knows? Maybe I'll procrastinate going into show business, or slack off becoming a world-renowned surgeon. Perhaps I'll put writing the Great American Novel on the back burner. Whatever happens, be assured that I will not rest until I've rested, and I will not start until I absolutely have to.

I am standing on the precipice of greatness, and I intend to stay there, even if it takes my entire lifetime.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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