I Went To See The Movie That Was Called The Up & Down Movie

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ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

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ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

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ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

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Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

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ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

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Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

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I Went To See The Movie That Was Called The Up & Down Movie

Ah, the movies. Nothing is better than to go see the movies in the theater at the Bijou and buy a tasty popcorn treat and a soda water and a box of watercress sandwiches and a tin of chewing tobacco and all the candy you can eat for a nickel. Gone are the days when a man could relax and enjoy a lovely pig roast while taking in the latest feature at the Bijou movie theater where they show the movie pictures that you can see if you pay money to see them.

Oh, but enough of my yapping. This week I asked my editor if I could go see Art Clooney's new movie, The Peace Man, and he said to go home and call him again next month, but I said that I didn't get to review no movies last month for the newspaper readers and he said, okay, just shut up and leave him the hell alone.

Well, I went to the theater and asked to buy a ticket to see The Peace Man movie and the girl said that they had no tickets because they had sold out of tickets to Peace Man. And I thought to myself that Peace Man must be a very good movie if people all want to see it. So then the ticket girl told me that I could buy a ticket to go see the movie called the Up & Down movie about the man who likes the other men. I said that would be okay since one movie is better than no movie.

Before I went to the theater to see the Ups & Downs movie, I had to go to the toilet because my wife Toots had made ham for lunch and sometimes ham doesn't agree with me. I sat down on the commode and did my business, but then I couldn't get out of the toilet stall. I banged and banged on the door to the toilet stall but I couldn't get it open, and no one heard me hollering because everyone went to the movies and didn't go to the toilet first.

Well, I sat in the stall for a long time waiting for someone to come in, but no one came until The Peace Man movie got out and these kids came into the bathroom. I said to the kids to let me out but instead they laughed at me and threw their soda water cups over the stall at me and left without telling the manager man that I was still in the toilet stall. These kids today do not know how to show proper respect for their elders.

Anyway, the ticket girl finally heard me hollering from in the toilet stall and got the manager to get me out. I was so glad to be out of the toilet stall that I forgot to go see the Upstairs Downstairs movie.

Well, until next time, I'll see you on the Silver Screen.