I Will Be Drawing The Comical Strips This Week

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

I Will Be Drawing The Comical Strips This Week

This Sunday past my nurse was reading me the comical cartoon amusement supplements. At first I was dead-set against the idea of such a supplement, when the space could be used for advertisements. But the idea grew on me, and now I have come to enjoy my favorite funny drawings and their droll foibles! My particular pets are the rotund lad who cannot stop eating and the lowborn Irish family who throws crockery at itself.

But when my nurse read the page to me, she began to describe a number of odd and unamusing scenes that did not seem the least bit familiar. I was informed of, among other things, the adventures of a young lady who scandalously works and lives alone, and a family of dough-faced brats who stupidly mispronounce common vernacular.

I could barely contain my rage. How dare these miserable attempts at humor replace my beloved favorites! Well, I'm putting an end to this nonsense. I have decided to pull the offending comical panel strips and draw one myself.

This comical strip is entitled The Amusing Gent and His Dog. I admit that my drawing is a bit ungainly, since my hands are wracked with arthritis and lumbago, but I guarantee the following discourse between the gentleman and his dog is funnier than anything you will see in the Sunday supplement.

First, you must pretend that the man is talking. I realize this will require a considerable suspension of disbelief, but by doing so it will produce an amusing effect.

Pretend that the man is saying: "You filthy reprobate hound! I'll give you a thrashing!"

Now, pretend the dog is saying: "Grrrrr!"

My hand aches greatly from drawing. I don't think I will be doing this again. It's work for lesser individuals. Nevertheless, I trust my point is clear and I need not go on about it.