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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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I Will Be Drawing The Comical Strips This Week

This Sunday past my nurse was reading me the comical cartoon amusement supplements. At first I was dead-set against the idea of such a supplement, when the space could be used for advertisements. But the idea grew on me, and now I have come to enjoy my favorite funny drawings and their droll foibles! My particular pets are the rotund lad who cannot stop eating and the lowborn Irish family who throws crockery at itself.

But when my nurse read the page to me, she began to describe a number of odd and unamusing scenes that did not seem the least bit familiar. I was informed of, among other things, the adventures of a young lady who scandalously works and lives alone, and a family of dough-faced brats who stupidly mispronounce common vernacular.

I could barely contain my rage. How dare these miserable attempts at humor replace my beloved favorites! Well, I'm putting an end to this nonsense. I have decided to pull the offending comical panel strips and draw one myself.

This comical strip is entitled The Amusing Gent and His Dog. I admit that my drawing is a bit ungainly, since my hands are wracked with arthritis and lumbago, but I guarantee the following discourse between the gentleman and his dog is funnier than anything you will see in the Sunday supplement.

First, you must pretend that the man is talking. I realize this will require a considerable suspension of disbelief, but by doing so it will produce an amusing effect.

Pretend that the man is saying: "You filthy reprobate hound! I'll give you a thrashing!"

Now, pretend the dog is saying: "Grrrrr!"

My hand aches greatly from drawing. I don't think I will be doing this again. It's work for lesser individuals. Nevertheless, I trust my point is clear and I need not go on about it.

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