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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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I Will Not Rest Until Sometime After 11 p.m.

I awoke this morning with an exhilarating realization: A new day had dawned. The sun brought clarity, as well as light. Looking into my shaving mirror, I made myself a promise. I said to myself, "No matter what obstacles I encounter, no matter what trials I must endure, no matter what distractions I must ignore, I will not rest until sometime after 11 o'clock this evening."

With God as my witness, I swear that I, Ryan Carlisle, will be tireless in my efforts to carry on until well after 8 p.m. Should I feel myself lured from my path, I will resist sleep—that subtle and quiet temptress—with a soda or a brief walk to the mailbox. I will be dogged in my determination to remain awake throughout the entire day. The sun may set upon the land, but I shall forge ahead for a little while longer. I will toil ceaselessly, well into the 11th hour. Before the 12th hour, however, I shall sleep.

It may not be easy, but worthwhile pursuits never are. Facing the task of crossing the Delaware unaided, did General George Washington sit down on a horn-and-hide officer's chair and await word from Charles Lee? Did Abraham Lincoln, having just read the Emancipation Proclamation before his stunned and momentarily speechless cabinet, heed the words of Postmaster General Montgomery Blaire—who described the proclamation as "voting-booth poison"—or did he go forth with what he knew to be a de facto declaration of war?

Did Albert Einstein give up on physics, because it made his brain muscles hurt? No. And, in the tradition of Washington, Custer, and Einstein, I, Carlisle, will stay awake until at least 11 p.m.

Insidious drowsiness may attempt to draw me under my sweet covers, but I will resist her, for I am a man of action, resolve, and determined wakefulness. As such, I declare that I will labor until my work is complete, my dinner done, my house tidied up a bit, my face washed, my teeth flossed and brushed, and my outfit for the following day laid out on the chair in my bedroom.

There are those who are not as strong as I am. Some, vanquished by their lunchtime burrito, will surrender to a nap behind closed office doors. Others, lulled by local news anchor Deborah Spalding's report on dangerous bacteria levels, will succumb to sleep for an hour on the couch. But not I. No matter what arduous activities I complete during the day, I shall not stop striving until I've eaten dinner, watched The Daily Show, and had a relaxing shower. I will galvanize my spirit, pressing ever forward in the day until I put on my pajamas and fall exhausted into my bed, at which point I shall pull the comforter over my weary torso. I'll try to do this by 11:30 p.m., so as to get a good night's sleep, which will allow me to be alert the following day.

I may not be able to do it alone. To get me through the afternoon slump, I may enlist the aid of the Starbucks barista. I may call on a friend to join me for ice cream at the Chocolate Shoppe. I may even call my mother, with whom I haven't spoken in nearly three weeks. That would fill at least an hour. But even if I must do it alone, I, like George Washington, will soldier bravely on through work, meals, household tasks, TV shows, and phone calls.

A warning to those who would try to stop me: I have made my way through many days. Your tricks no longer work against me. If you turn up the heat in my office, I will remove my blazer. If you offer me a second turkey sandwich at lunchtime, I will politely decline it. If you make me sit through a mind-numbing employee-training session, I'll keep my mind active with thoughts of which items I should remember to put in my briefcase to take home.

No one can stop me. No one can draw my focus from my goal. No one can dull my desire, subdue my drive, tame my passion. Try as you might, you will not impede me. I will not waver in my determination. I will not take my eyes off of victory until I have put in a good 16-hour day and am, frankly, all tuckered out.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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