I Wish I Could Get Through To You With A Sports Analogy, Young Man

Top Headlines



College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage





I Wish I Could Get Through To You With A Sports Analogy, Young Man

Son, I think it’s high time you and I sat down and touched base. As your father, it’s been difficult watching you drop the ball these past few months—your grades are down, you’ve been breaking curfew most weekends, and who knows what kinds of trouble you’re getting into with those new friends of yours. Your head just hasn’t been in the game, and sadly for me, I’ve had a ringside seat as you’ve repeatedly struck out. I’m in your corner, son, and I truly want to help you come out swinging and rally, but it seems like I can’t even get through to you with any of my sports analogies.

Honestly, I thought every one of my sports metaphors has been a home run, but based on your continued poor behavior, I guess they’ve all been false starts. I’ve just about emptied my playbook when it comes to getting you back on the inside track. I’ve tried idioms from baseball, football, hockey, basketball, boxing—but none of them have been in the ballpark.

What do you need? Swimming metaphors, horse racing, cricket? Listen, this is a sticky wicket and I’m willing to grab the reins if that’s what it takes.

The thing is, it’s not like my sports-based advice is coming out of left field here. Time and time again, I’ve tried to draw up plays that will get you to drop the gloves and put some shots on goal for a change. After I first heard that you were getting in trouble at school, I thought I made myself perfectly clear when I sat you down and told you that life sometimes throws you a curve and that you need to be able to roll with the punches, but you refused to play ball. Then, after you got suspended just a few days later, you flat-out ignored me when I tried to let you know that you were down to your last strike.

If all of these metaphors have missed the uprights, tell me exactly how I’m supposed to come up with a game plan that will get you to push the ball over the goal line.

Look, I know that not every call is going to go your way, and I’m not expecting you to knock it out of the park every time you step up to the plate, but I’m also not just going to sit on the sidelines and keep watching you swing and miss. You’ve got a tough lie, sure, but when life backs you up against the ropes, you’ve got to get back on your feet and give it your own one-two punch. Just last week when I caught you talking back to your mother, I told you straight up that the clock was winding down and that if you didn’t put on your game face and put some points on the board, you could expect to be riding the pine.

And then what happened? That’s right: We caught you with alcohol that same week and we had no option but to bench you. The ball was in your court, but you decided to lead with your chin and now you’re down for the count.

But apparently that’s par for the course with you.

Listen, young man, your mother and I really want to see you swing for the fences and go the distance. After all, why do you think I keep telling you all these sports analogies about getting back on the field and playing like you mean it? You’ve got big-league potential—all you have to do is take it one play at a time. We know life isn’t a chip shot—it’s a marathon—but you have to keep in mind that a walk is as good as a hit in this game. Son, if you just keep your eye on the ball and leave it all out there on the floor, anything you put your mind to will be a slam dunk.

But frankly, at this point, I feel like I’ve gone 10 rounds with you and I’m running low on analogies that will make you realize you’re behind the eight ball here. Honestly, it seems like no matter what I say, you can’t seem to get it through your thick skull that it’s fourth and long in the fourth quarter with the title on the line. It’s infuriating.

At this point, I’m starting to think I should just throw in the towel and let you run your own race. Is that what you want? Because until you quit acting out in class and start treating your parents with a little respect, I’m no longer going to the mat for you. Maybe that’s the only thing left that will make you realize you’re off base.

I hope you don’t think that’s a low blow, but that’s just how I see it.

Timeout, son. I guess what I want to say is that I’m your father and, well, I love you. I love you so very much—more than I ever knew was possible. When I look into your eyes, I see the same beautiful eyes I saw 16 years ago when you came into this world, when you brought so much joy and so much pride into my life. You’re going through a difficult time right now, and I know I haven’t always been the best dad in the world—there are things I’ve done wrong and things I wish I could change—but I want you to know that I care about you more than anything in the world. I want to be a better man for you, a better father. And we can get through this, I just know it. I love you and I am here for you, always, and I want you to understand that.

Boy, that probably didn’t make any sense. I guess what I’m really trying to say is you’ll always be a starter to me—the ace of our staff—and I don’t want to see you become some washed-up second-stringer. Got it?

Goodnight, champ.

Family Video