I Wish I Were One Of TV's Golden Girls

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Vol 36 Issue 08

Real-Life Family Feud Offers No Fabulous Cash Prizes

LAS CRUCES, NM–Unlike the popular, long-running game show Family Feud, the real-life family feud among members of Las Cruces' DeCinces family does not offer contestants the chance to win exciting cash prizes. "When the hell are you gonna stop undermining every goddamn thing I say in front of the kids?" said Thomas DeCinces, 47, facing off against wife Brenda in the long-running feud, hosted neither by Richard Dawson nor the late Ray Combs. "Kevin and Amy think their father's a fucking joke, thanks to you. And you wonder why I'm out with the guys almost every night." Asked to name something her husband has given her during their 14-year marriage, Brenda said "heartache and misery." The response was the third most popular on the board behind "an alcohol problem" and "that six-inch scar on my throat."

Football Fan Disappointed By 'Super Tuesday'

ROCHESTER, NY–Robert Wychorski, a Rochester-area football fan, expressed disappointment in Super Tuesday, calling it "a pale shadow of Super Sunday." "Man, that completely blew," said Wychorski after watching four hours of Super Tuesday election coverage on CNN. "Where was the spectacular halftime show? Where were the clutch plays? And it wasn't even a close contest." Wychorski, who invited 15 friends over for a Super Tuesday party, said the biggest letdown was the commercials. "I was expecting to see some awesome new ads with special effects, but it was just the same old stuff," he said.

Ex-Marine Says This Rain Nothing

BESSEMER CITY, NC–According to area resident Larry Bohannon, 33, a member of the U.S. Marine Corps for seven years, this rain is nothing. "You call this rain? This ain't rain," Bohannon said to coworker Jeff Smalley, looking out the window of the Jiffy Lube where he now works. "I was stationed in the Philippines back in '93–they had tsunamis that ripped the palm trees right out of the ground." Continued Bohannon: "We'd do 400 push-ups every morning, even at the height of monsoon season. There'd be 50-foot waves crashing over us, but Sgt. Culpepper would make us keep going. Believe me, Jeff, you've never seen rain like that."

Fox Voluntarily Removes Reality From Programming

LOS ANGELES–Responding to public outcry over its controversial reality-based shows, Fox announced Monday that it is removing all reality from its programming. "We have heard the American TV viewer's dissatisfaction with reality and pledge never again to air any content that reflects it whatsoever," said Jonathan Quinlan, vice-president of programming for the embattled network. "From now on, Fox dramas and sitcoms will not contain any plotlines that are the least bit realistic, and such reality-based shows as Fox News At Nine will be canceled altogether." Quinlan noted that Ally McBeal will continue unchanged.

The Diallo Verdict

On Feb. 25, four NYPD officers were acquitted in the shooting of Amadou Diallo, a West African immigrant who died a year ago when he was shot 19 times after police mistook his wallet for a gun. What do you think of this controversial acquittal?

My Employees Of The Month

As an Onion reader, you know God-damned well that I did not rise to the position of Publisher by relying on you barely literate, gape-jawed Judases. Nor did I raise this news-paper to its present position as the finest in the Republic by leaning on the back-stabbing pack of boars that makes up my editorial staff. No, I did it with a special blend of low animal cunning, scandalous petticoats above the front-page fold, and the inherited millions that are my birth-right. T. Herman Zweibel needs no-one but him-self, and don't you forget it!
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I Wish I Were One Of TV's Golden Girls

Ever since my fall, I've been watching a lot more TV. It's lucky, too, because I've discovered the most delightful new show. It's called The Golden Girls. It's on every day at 5:30 p.m. on channel 14 and is about four women, Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia, who are getting on in years, just like me. And, like me, they have no husbands, and their children rarely visit or call.

In the past, I never looked at the "boob tube" much. Other than watching the Weather Channel to check for storm advisories for Cincinnati, where my daughter Emily lives, I barely even turned the thing on. But with Harold gone two years this month and me not really trusting myself to take the bus to church anymore–not to mention the broken hip–let's just say I've had a lot of time on my hands. I can't even crochet or sew anymore because of the arthritis, so rather than just sitting in my blue chair staring at the wall for hours, I've started to look at the TV.

Lately, the highlight of each day is when I tune in to see what's going on in the lives of these Golden Girls. It's such a nice escape to be able to step into this wonderful world where older women wear stylish clothing, say lots of clever things, and, judging from the way they are always on the go, have no problems with bursitis, high blood pressure, or hemorrhoids.

The Golden Girls have a lovely Florida home with a full patio and breakfast nook, and they go on vacations and take dance classes together. Sometimes, I try to imagine what it would be like if their house had one more bedroom, and I lived there. Though I don't think it would be appropriate to date at my age, I would very much enjoy the companionship of some good friends. I would readily agree to do all the housework if it meant I had someone to talk to once in a while. And if I fractured my hip, I would have the assurance that I wouldn't have to lay on the floor in pain for three days, waiting each day for the mailman's footsteps so I could cry out in the hopes of getting his attention.

Of course, living in a house full of women is bound to cause some tension, especially when everyone has such different personalities. Sophia is grumpy and always has some smart-alecky thing to say. (At first, I didn't like her much, but I soon saw that even she has a soft side. Besides, you have to be tough growing up in Brooklyn.) Dorothy, Sophia's daughter, inherited her mother's mouth and is the unofficial leader of the gang. Blanche, a wild Southern belle, is quite the narcissist. Rose, on the other hand, is sweet and dim-witted. She reminds me of my dear sister Lydia, who passed on last year. Sometimes, one of Rose's silly remarks about small-town life brings me to tears, making me think about how much I miss my one and only sibling, who is gone forever.

The Golden Girls often get mad at each other. At times, they even resort to calling each other nasty names, using words I don't think one should be able to say on television. But at the end of the day, they always find a way to patch things up and become the best of friends again.

I sure wish I had some friends living close by. Ruth, my best friend of 51 years, is in a home down in Emmetsville. I haven't seen her since Christmas of 1997, and at that point, she didn't recognize me or her own children anymore.

My, it looks so sunny and beautiful down there in Florida. It's terribly cold up here. I'm so frightened of catching pneumonia like Harold did, I hardly leave the house during the winter anymore. I signed up for Meals On Wheels last month, and most days, they drop by with something to eat, so I don't have to turn the stove on anymore. (I accidentally left the gas on last December but, luckily, the neighbors smelled it and pounded on my door.)

I do get jealous of the Golden Girls, how they have each other. But I need to remember that it's not all cake and ice cream for them. They've had to face some very difficult situations recently, like when Dorothy found a lump in her breast, and the time Blanche found out that her late husband had fathered an illegitimate child, and when Rose was cut off from her husband's pension. But by sticking together, they're able to face even the worst. As for me, I am left to face the world alone.

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