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I Wish I Were Pretty

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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I Wish I Were Pretty

All my friends tell me I've got a lot going for me. And I guess, deep down, I know they're right. After all, I'm smart, talented and extremely personable, not to mention the U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services. I've accomplished a lot. But sometimes I can't help but feel like I'd trade it all just to be pretty.

When I'm in a Cabinet meeting, I feel like I'm invisible. I look around the room at all the other Cabinet members, but I never catch any of the men looking back at me. Once, I thought Secretary of Agriculture Dan Glickman was glancing my way, but, of course, he was looking at Energy Secretary Hazel O'Leary, who was sitting next to me. I certainly can't blame Secretary Glickman, though. If I were him, I know I'd rather look at the pretty Energy Secretary than some gross, big-nosed Health and Human Services chief.

Melissa Skolfield, HHS's Assistant Secretary for Public Affairs, is always trying to cheer me up. Whenever she sees me around the office, she tells me how nice I look and how much she likes the outfit I've got on. But I know she's only saying that because she knows I need reassuring. I'm sure if she worked in the Department of Energy, she wouldn't have to be constantly complimenting Secretary O'Leary.

I've always been kind of down on my looks, but lately, my self-esteem in that department has been lower than ever. It certainly doesn't help that I've put on a few pounds in the past year. On May 6, I had a meeting with FDA chief David Kessler and Lisa Katic, head of the Grocery Manufacturers of America, to assess the implementation of the FDA Modernization Act of 1997. It was a really important meeting, so I wanted to look my absolute best. But when I tried on my favorite red pantsuit, the one I wore last October when I did so well testifying before Congress about 1998 Medicare revisions, I couldn't fit into it. I wound up having to wear that disgusting green-and-white blazer I hate. I looked like a total whale, and the meeting went just awful. All because I was too fat to fit into my good red pantsuit. It's time I faced it: I'm fat. Fat! Fat! Fat!

I know, I know. As chancellor of the University of Wisconsin, I was the first woman ever to lead a Big Ten school. But what does that matter when you have to go to the annual Board of Regents awards dinner alone? And, yes, I did do a pretty good job chairing the Children's Defense Fund. But I can't help but think they picked me because they felt sorry for me. Maybe I should just go back to being Assistant Secretary for Policy Research and Development at HUD, where I didn't have to pose for all those Cabinet pictures. Every time I see one, I want to cut my face out of it so nobody will see it.

I guess I could try getting a makeover. Or maybe a different hairdo. But what could anyone possibly do with my hair? It just sits there on top of my head, totally flat and lifeless. Whenever I try to grow it long, it looks completely stupid, but when it's short like it is now, I look like a boy.

People say I have really nice eyes, but that's just what you compliment someone on when there's nothing else to compliment. I swear, I must be the ugliest Secretary of Health and Human Services ever. No, make that the ugliest secretary of any U.S. Cabinet department ever! I hate myself!

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