I Wish I Were Pretty

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Vol 35 Issue 19

Painful Boil Still Too Unformed To Lance

BILLINGS, MT—A throbbing boil on the neck of Art Krenchicki is not quite ready for lancing, the 47-year-old Billings man reported Monday. "Just a couple more days, and it'll be all set," said Krenchicki, studying the inflamed, pus-filled swelling. "You can't lance them too soon, or they take even longer to heal."

Area Woman Has Already Figured Out Who Killed The Vicar

GREENSBORO, NC—Only three chapters into the Barbara Nelson Scott mystery thriller All Saints' Day, reader Mary Toback has already deduced the killer of Father Blaine, the Vicar of St. Mary's of Glasgow, it was reported Tuesday. "The angle of the stabs was consistent with a left-handed assailant," Toback told reporters. "And if you note the description of Bishop Argyll's desk on page 22, his quills are kept to the left of the writing tablet as he faces the desk." Toback did not need to remind reporters that Argyll stands to benefit more than anyone from the appointment of MacGregor as the new Vicar.

Local Man Puts Rehab Behind Him

SAN FRANCISCO—After a harrowing three-year battle with drug-addiction recovery, area resident Scott Fedorisko finally put rehab behind him Monday. "It's been a long and hellish road, but I'm happy to say that, once again, I'm off the life and high on drugs," said Fedorisko, tapping a heroin-filled syringe. "At last, I have put my dark days of recovery behind me and can now look forward to many years of substance-dependent bliss."

Dean Cain Fanpage Last Updated 8/14/96

MONROE, MI—The Monroe-based "I Love Dean Cain" website, dedicated to providing up-to-the-minute information on actor Dean Cain, was last updated in August 1996, sources reported Monday. "Keep this page bookmarked and come back soon for the very latest Dean Cain news!" the page urged visitors. "Coming next week: A very special preview of the Lois & Clark season premiere!!!!" Due to the lack of updating, it is not known whether Cain's favorite film is still The Princess Bride. The current status of his three dogs—Jay, Bosco and Mocha—is also undetermined.

Milosevic Dreams He's Slaughtering Ethnic Albanians In His Underwear

BELGRADE, YUGOSLAVIA—In an incident he described as "really freaky," Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic dreamed he was ordering the slaughter of tens of thousands of Kosovars while clad only in his underwear Tuesday. "Everything in the dream was totally normal, except, for some reason, I wasn't wearing any clothes," Milosevic said. "At one point, I was trying to think of a way to excuse myself to go home and get dressed, but I had to stay and order the mass execution of 2,400 villagers in the border town of Podujevo." Last Friday, Milosevic dreamed he was taking an exam with U.S. envoy Richard Holbrooke on a mound of bodies near the Macedonian border.

Booked Solid

I'm such an expert at procrastination, I finally got around to making my 1999 New Year's Resolution last week! But once you hear it, you'll forgive me, because this resolution is a real doozy!

Gore Excited After Seeing Self On TV

WASHINGTON, DC—Hours after seeing himself at the funeral of King Gustaf III of Denmark on ABC World News Tonight, an excited Al Gore called friends and family Monday to ask if they saw the televised report. "Did you see me on the news?" the vice-president asked friend Jonathan Gantner. "Peter Jennings was talking about the funeral, and then they showed Albright, and, for like five seconds, you could see me standing behind her. It was so awesome." Gore is reportedly asking around to see if anyone taped the program.

Too Many Plutocrats

I am tired of complicated things happening in my life. It means I am obliged to explain them in the next week's Message, and that I must not forget them as any decent man in the final stages of advanced senility would.

Star Wars Mania

The top-grossing movie series in history, the Star Wars saga continues this week with the long-awaited release of Episode I--The Phantom Menace. What are the reasons for the films' enormous, enduring appeal?
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

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I Wish I Were Pretty

All my friends tell me I've got a lot going for me. And I guess, deep down, I know they're right. After all, I'm smart, talented and extremely personable, not to mention the U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services. I've accomplished a lot. But sometimes I can't help but feel like I'd trade it all just to be pretty.

When I'm in a Cabinet meeting, I feel like I'm invisible. I look around the room at all the other Cabinet members, but I never catch any of the men looking back at me. Once, I thought Secretary of Agriculture Dan Glickman was glancing my way, but, of course, he was looking at Energy Secretary Hazel O'Leary, who was sitting next to me. I certainly can't blame Secretary Glickman, though. If I were him, I know I'd rather look at the pretty Energy Secretary than some gross, big-nosed Health and Human Services chief.

Melissa Skolfield, HHS's Assistant Secretary for Public Affairs, is always trying to cheer me up. Whenever she sees me around the office, she tells me how nice I look and how much she likes the outfit I've got on. But I know she's only saying that because she knows I need reassuring. I'm sure if she worked in the Department of Energy, she wouldn't have to be constantly complimenting Secretary O'Leary.

I've always been kind of down on my looks, but lately, my self-esteem in that department has been lower than ever. It certainly doesn't help that I've put on a few pounds in the past year. On May 6, I had a meeting with FDA chief David Kessler and Lisa Katic, head of the Grocery Manufacturers of America, to assess the implementation of the FDA Modernization Act of 1997. It was a really important meeting, so I wanted to look my absolute best. But when I tried on my favorite red pantsuit, the one I wore last October when I did so well testifying before Congress about 1998 Medicare revisions, I couldn't fit into it. I wound up having to wear that disgusting green-and-white blazer I hate. I looked like a total whale, and the meeting went just awful. All because I was too fat to fit into my good red pantsuit. It's time I faced it: I'm fat. Fat! Fat! Fat!

I know, I know. As chancellor of the University of Wisconsin, I was the first woman ever to lead a Big Ten school. But what does that matter when you have to go to the annual Board of Regents awards dinner alone? And, yes, I did do a pretty good job chairing the Children's Defense Fund. But I can't help but think they picked me because they felt sorry for me. Maybe I should just go back to being Assistant Secretary for Policy Research and Development at HUD, where I didn't have to pose for all those Cabinet pictures. Every time I see one, I want to cut my face out of it so nobody will see it.

I guess I could try getting a makeover. Or maybe a different hairdo. But what could anyone possibly do with my hair? It just sits there on top of my head, totally flat and lifeless. Whenever I try to grow it long, it looks completely stupid, but when it's short like it is now, I look like a boy.

People say I have really nice eyes, but that's just what you compliment someone on when there's nothing else to compliment. I swear, I must be the ugliest Secretary of Health and Human Services ever. No, make that the ugliest secretary of any U.S. Cabinet department ever! I hate myself!

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