I Wish Someone Would Visit My Grave

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Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...
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I Wish Someone Would Visit My Grave

My name is Catherine Mary Hobart. I was born near Schuyler Town-Ship in 1791 and died near Schuyler Town-Ship in 1814. My father was a farmer and rope-maker, and my mother died giving birth to me. I never married, and my father always said I was plain in the face. I spent most of my life looking after the children of my father's second wife, who died in child-birth, as well. I never set foot from the county and had much pain from sour stomach and several abscessed teeth. I died of a fever that swept through Schuyler Town-Ship and its environs in the winter of 1814, and I was buried in the north-west corner of the grave-yard on the edge of town.

I neither asked for nor expected much in life, and in death, I expect even less. But it has been nearly two centuries since my death, and, in that time, I have grown lone-some, as I have been largely bereft of companionship. And, since a thick tangle of creeping-jenny is fast covering my nearly-illegible tomb-stone, I feel it prudent, although, I fear, unavailing, to beseech the living to consider a visit to my grave-site.

The few who attended my grave to mourn my passing were mainly family members, although they stopped visiting in short order for various reasons, whether it was pressing farm-chores, their migration out West to the Indiana wilderness, or their own deaths. I estimate that no-one has sought out my tomb in 167 years.

Neither does it help that my body is interred in the oldest section of the grave-yard, where few ever venture, or indeed have any reason to, as it is neglected and untended. There are no prominent land-marks or tall monuments to distinguish the area. The greatest fame to have been visited upon the section was that it was the final resting-place of the town apothecary, Nathaniel Whitcomb, whose grave is but a few paces away from mine. In his life-time, Mr. Whitcomb was much respected through-out the county. Legend had it that he had been boyhood friends with the territorial governor. But within a generation, even his memory had entered oblivion.

The only tomb-stone to attract any attention in recent times is a small crescent of granite topped with the weathered sculpture of a tiny lamb. "Isn't that sad, a little baby dying so young?" a woman who chanced upon it in the year 1922 was heard to remark.

Perhaps you can begin to understand my quandary.

I have often been tempted to count the school-boys from about 20 years ago as visitors, but only a fool would consider them respectful mourners. I believe they came to the cemetery to celebrate the Guy Fawkes holiday, and they appeared to have had too much to drink. They ran about making ghostly sounds. Only one of them made any genuine contact with my tomb-stone, and then only to leave on top of it a kind of tin cylinder embossed with the name "Budweiser." The cylinder remained on my tomb-stone for approximately three days. A gust of wind blew it off, and it came to rest against the back of my tomb-stone, where it remained for the next seven years until a raven flew off with it.

I would even welcome the company of those strange young people who dress in black garments and adorn their faces with lime and blacken their lips with pitch. I have espied them strolling about the newer parts of the grave-yard from time to time, reciting poetry and making a concerted effort to resemble cadavers. They appear to enjoy the atmosphere of burial-grounds, which strikes me as rather morbid. Despite their predilection for ghoulishness, they continue to overlook my tomb-stone.

If you decide to visit my grave, I would be most grateful. Again, it is in the north-west corner of the grave-yard on the out-skirts of Schuyler Town-Ship, half a league west of the bend in the road, where the tall old elm stands. My tomb-stone is almost over-grown with weeds, but with persistence you will uncover it. To further assist you, let me note that the letters on my tomb-stone have been somewhat obscured by decades of erosion, and the "HOBART" now looks more like "OOLOFT." Oh, and beware of the poison oak, thistles and stinging nettles that have sprung up in the area, as well as the large yellow-jacket nest in the near-by hawthorne tree. And, especially, please do not eat the nightshade. I thank you.

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