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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

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A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

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The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

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What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

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Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.
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I Wish The Government Would Make Up Its Mind Who Should Be Killed And Who I Can Have Sex With

I love my country and strive to be the best citizen I can be. While I may not agree with everything our government does, I abide by its laws nonetheless. That’s part of living in a democracy. But I grow frustrated when our elected officials fail to issue clear-cut rules on matters critically important to my life. Why, for example, have they not yet reached a consensus on who should be killed and who I’m allowed to have sex with?

In my opinion, it’s high time our government decided which people fall into which of these two categories. Because when I’m out and about I want to be able to look at an individual, ask his or her name, check some sort of government-issued list, and say either “Oh, it says here I’m allowed to have sex with you,” or “Oh, it says here I’m allowed to murder you. Put your hands behind your head.”

Look, I don’t really care how the government finally gets this done, or even who’s on what list for that matter, just as long as the directory finally gets made and this uncertainty finally ends. Why are they dragging their feet on this?

For example, there is a woman who works at Boston Market named Amber Benson. Am I allowed to kill her? Am I allowed to have sex with her? I don’t know. The leaders I voted for haven’t told me yet. If I just knew who was fair game for killing, I’d be the first to grab my gun and start blowing people’s heads off. And after a hard day of killing, hey, maybe I want to have some sex. So the government could help me in a big way by creating a comprehensive database of names and addresses of permissible partners.

But instead, here I am living in no-man’s land wondering if Amber Benson can be killed or copulated with. How is that even right? Look, I’m not a lawbreaker by any stretch of the imagination. I know good and well that I can’t go around by myself marking people for death and/or sex—that would be anarchy. We have a social contract in this country, and it’s the job of our leaders to sort out such matters. I’m also not naive. I know these are hard decisions for the government to make, and I’m sure there’s room for debate in many cases. That makes total sense. But could I at least get a preliminary list of people they’re definite on? Both for death and sex? It would sure make things a heck of a lot easier.

You could post the names on WhiteHouse.gov or wherever. Maybe you could also do something where I enter my zip code so that I know all the people in my immediate vicinity who I can kill or have sex with. Maybe there’s an email address on WhiteHouse.gov so we can notify the proper officials as to when a person has been killed, i.e., “I killed Ben Thompson today; please remove him from the people-we’re-allowed-to-kill list.” I’m just saying it would be pretty annoying for me if I showed up at the house of someone I’m allowed to kill only to find out that another person has already killed him. That’s a wasted trip. Unless there is another person close by who I know can kill or have sex with.

But you know what? All of these “maybes” are moot if the government can’t even figure out who should be on the list in the first place. How long is it going to take you guys? I’ve been waiting for 15-20 years at least.

I’ll give you another name: Pablo Guerrero, this guy who works at the muffler shop. Good guy. Is it okay to kill him? And regardless of the first answer, can I have sex with him? I don’t even know that I’d want to have sex with him, but I certainly don’t want to waste time thinking about it when the answer might be no. And on top of that, I definitely need to know if he, or anyone else, is on both lists. I certainly don’t want a killer coming after Pablo while I’m having sex with him.

Now, I would be lying if there weren’t some selfish motivations here. The truth is, I don’t want to be 90 years old and finally hear, “Okay, here’s who you can kill and here’s who you can have sex with,” when most likely I won’t be able to do either anymore! That would just be devastating, especially for a guy like me. I’m the type of person who is up every morning at the crack of dawn, ready to take lives and have sex, but it’s all for nothing until I get some marching orders.

Of course, I’ll be pretty sad if I’m ultimately on the list of people the government decides should be killed, but if that’s what happens, so be it. At least that means there is finally a list, for crying out loud! And if I’m one of the people who others are allowed to have sex with, great. It could certainly get tiring and possibly painful, but there are worse things in life.

At this point, I just want answers. And a government that can actually get things done.

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