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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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I Wish To Go To Heaven

Booooo! It is I, the ghost of Herman Ulysses Zweibel, founder of The Onion, or, as it was known in my day, The Mercantile-Onion. Booooo!

As you know, my ghostly wraith roams the earth, chained to a printing-press. Every now and then, I haunt this space, whether to complain about my son T. Herman's abysmal incompetence, Henry Clay, or the skyrocketing price of calico. But this time, I am delighted to bear wonderful news: After a century of purgatorial wandering, the Lord is reviewing my petition for admittance into Heaven!

I was first up for membership shortly after my death in 1891. I was confident that my good deeds were plentiful enough to easily usher me past the golden gates. By jiggledy, I was the first white man to bring the cotton-gin into the Nebraska Territory, I played host to the annual barn-dance, and I once rescued a turkey from a raging cyclone! I also played the spinnet very well.

Unfortunately, my sins were perceived as overshadowing my good works. The Lord did not look well upon the time I threw a Franklin stove at Daniel Webster. But the fiend deserved it! He said I was a common rabble-rouser who twisted the truth. Besides, I missed, and he escaped unscathed.

There was also that troublesome matter of my decimating 970,000 bison for their hides. But upon what else was I supposed to print copies of The Mercantile-Onion? That fancy store-bought paper was costly back then!

What really tipped the scales against me, however, was the fact that I wasn't Mormon. Turns out, the Mormons are God's chosen people. Land o'Goshen, how was I supposed to know that?

I hope and pray I shall be allowed to shrug off this massive printing-press and enter heaven at long last. If so, I will flutter about the clouds with nary a care in the world. I will once again see my blessed mother and meet my child-hood hero, John C. Calhoun. I will have slaves and a fine coach with gilded wheels. Best of all, I will be able to rain fire and pestilence upon that bastard Henry Clay, on whom the Roman tyrants have nothing. Wish me luck!

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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