adBlockCheck

I Wonder If My Roommate Can Hear My Girlfriend And Me Firing Civil War Cannons

Top Headlines

Recent News

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Wonder If My Roommate Can Hear My Girlfriend And Me Firing Civil War Cannons

My roommate and I get along fine. We’re pretty good about sharing food and fridge space, and we even hang out a few times a week. Overall I’d say it’s a friendly dynamic. But it occurred to me the other day that sometimes when my girlfriend comes over and we fire Civil War cannons in my bedroom, there’s a chance he might be able to hear us.

Is that something that would be audible through the wall? Shooting off full-scale, fully functional 19th-century field artillery?

Because last night we were going at it for three or four hours, just blasting those things, and I couldn’t help but wonder if we were bothering my roommate without realizing it. I’d be absolutely mortified to think he was lying awake in bed that whole time, staring up at the ceiling and listening to explosion after explosion.

But you know how it is. Just like any couple, sometimes we get caught up in the heat of the moment when we’re firing our Civil War cannons and forget how loud we are. What with me heaving shells into the muzzle of my bronze carriage-mounted Howitzer, my girlfriend lighting the fuse, and then all that gunpowder detonating in a contained area—it’s a little embarrassing saying this, but it adds up to quite a racket.

Come to think of it, I don’t see how my roommate wouldn’t hear us. We’re talking about a battery of 1860s-era ordnance after all, and the walls at my apartment aren’t exactly thick. I can’t imagine someone wants to hear that going on in the next room while they’re trying to sleep.

But even if he can’t hear the cannon fire, he must at least hear the wheels creaking as we push them across the floor, right? Honestly, I feel kind of sorry for the guy, because when the cannons recoil they often knock into stuff and make a ton of of noise.

On that note, I will admit my girlfriend’s cannon is a bit of a screamer, although I guess both of our munitions can get pretty loud at times.

Of course we try to keep it as low-key as we can. I make sure to shut the blinds so the neighbors can’t see, I crank up some music, and we always limit the festivities to my bedroom—well, that’s not entirely true. Sometimes we do fire Civil War cannons in the shower before work, and occasionally I’ll shoot my flintlock musket between volleys if it’s late at night and I’m by myself. Also, there was one night when we came home drunk at like three in the morning and fired the cannons on the living room floor.

I feel sort of bad about that one. I’m pretty sure he could hear the whole thing.

Trouble is, we can’t really fire cannons at her place. Her roommates are all weird, and one of them made a big stink a few weeks ago after noticing a spent powder keg in the bathroom trash can. Big deal, like you’ve never seen one of those before? You’re not even supposed to flush them down the toilet anyway.

I’ve got to say, I’m really looking forward to having my own place one day so my girlfriend and I can blast our cannons as much as we want.

For now, though, I just hope my roommate isn’t too bothered by it. While I don’t think blasting Civil War cannons in the privacy of my own room is something I should have to apologize for, I guess maybe I could make more of an effort to tell him when my girlfriend is coming over so he has some advance notice that we might be firing cannons.

At some point, though, what can I say? We’re human beings. We shoot Civil War cannons. In the end, that’s something you just have to deal with.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close