adBlockCheck

I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment

Top Headlines

Recent News

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment

This is unbelievable. A goddamned outrage, actually, is what it is. My daughter Lucy, my own flesh and blood, is bringing home this…this…black man in less than an hour. "Marlon" something or other, she tells me. Marlon! Well, I won't stand for it. As long as I have breath in my body, no daughter of mine will bring a black man into this house until I've cleaned it up a little, maybe picked up a good bottle of wine, and made damn sure I have everything I need to make him feel right at home.

Not now, not ever.

I'm just glad her grandfather isn't alive to see this. Imagine, his sweet little Lucy, arm-in-arm with a black man, traipsing right through the front door of the house that he built with his own two hands while the coffee table is covered with old magazines and I don't even have a cup of tea to offer the young fellow.

Pops must be spinning in his grave.

A black guy, for chrissakes, in my home, eating my goddamned food! I have to find out what he likes and swing by the gourmet market!

Jesus H. Christ. This is all my fault, isn't it? You try to raise them right, to show them the way things work in this world. Maybe if I'd been stricter with Lucy back then, she wouldn't be sauntering around my house with a black man, pretty as you please, without first giving her old man a heads-up so he can do the dishes that are piled up in the sink right there where everyone can see them.

It's a goddamned shame, I tell you. Mark my words, no black man will ever set foot in here until I've had time to whip up a quick bruschetta at the very least!

And just think of what this will do to Lucy's poor mother! Kathryn will be absolutely devastated. What do I even say? "Hey, honey, guess what? Your daughter is coming home with a black man and we're all out of the nice microbrewed beer. Shall I just throw the door wide open and we'll sit in the dusty dining room chairs next to the unfolded laundry and wait for them to waltz right in? Then maybe we can bust out the Monopoly board and spend an hour looking for all the missing pieces while Lucy and her black boyfriend look on in uncomfortable silence. How's that sound, dear? No, you'd rather lock yourself in the bathroom and sob uncontrollably? Okay."

Good Lord, Kathryn will be crushed! Inconsolable.

What is the world coming to when this can happen right in your very own home? Thirty minutes from now, a young black man will be sitting in my den, and I don't even have my shotgun handy. I took it to the antique shop to be relacquered last week, which is too bad, because it really looks nice hanging over the mantle next to the hand-carved wooden duck decoys. Now Marlon won't get the full effect of the hunting tableau, which is really what anchors the whole room.

This is totally unacceptable! This could be my future son-in-law we're talking about here!

Well, there's only one thing to do. Kathryn and I are just going to have to meet them out front, very clearly explain to Lucy that, come hell or high water, she will not be bringing a black man into our house, and then take them right out and treat them both to a lovely, lovely dinner.

Maybe we can take him to go eat watermelon salad and fried chicken tempura at that new Asian fusion place.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close