I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment

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Family

The First Years

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...

Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

They’re In A Fight Or Something

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend...

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...
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Family

The First Years

I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment

This is unbelievable. A goddamned outrage, actually, is what it is. My daughter Lucy, my own flesh and blood, is bringing home this…this…black man in less than an hour. "Marlon" something or other, she tells me. Marlon! Well, I won't stand for it. As long as I have breath in my body, no daughter of mine will bring a black man into this house until I've cleaned it up a little, maybe picked up a good bottle of wine, and made damn sure I have everything I need to make him feel right at home.

Not now, not ever.

I'm just glad her grandfather isn't alive to see this. Imagine, his sweet little Lucy, arm-in-arm with a black man, traipsing right through the front door of the house that he built with his own two hands while the coffee table is covered with old magazines and I don't even have a cup of tea to offer the young fellow.

Pops must be spinning in his grave.

A black guy, for chrissakes, in my home, eating my goddamned food! I have to find out what he likes and swing by the gourmet market!

Jesus H. Christ. This is all my fault, isn't it? You try to raise them right, to show them the way things work in this world. Maybe if I'd been stricter with Lucy back then, she wouldn't be sauntering around my house with a black man, pretty as you please, without first giving her old man a heads-up so he can do the dishes that are piled up in the sink right there where everyone can see them.

It's a goddamned shame, I tell you. Mark my words, no black man will ever set foot in here until I've had time to whip up a quick bruschetta at the very least!

And just think of what this will do to Lucy's poor mother! Kathryn will be absolutely devastated. What do I even say? "Hey, honey, guess what? Your daughter is coming home with a black man and we're all out of the nice microbrewed beer. Shall I just throw the door wide open and we'll sit in the dusty dining room chairs next to the unfolded laundry and wait for them to waltz right in? Then maybe we can bust out the Monopoly board and spend an hour looking for all the missing pieces while Lucy and her black boyfriend look on in uncomfortable silence. How's that sound, dear? No, you'd rather lock yourself in the bathroom and sob uncontrollably? Okay."

Good Lord, Kathryn will be crushed! Inconsolable.

What is the world coming to when this can happen right in your very own home? Thirty minutes from now, a young black man will be sitting in my den, and I don't even have my shotgun handy. I took it to the antique shop to be relacquered last week, which is too bad, because it really looks nice hanging over the mantle next to the hand-carved wooden duck decoys. Now Marlon won't get the full effect of the hunting tableau, which is really what anchors the whole room.

This is totally unacceptable! This could be my future son-in-law we're talking about here!

Well, there's only one thing to do. Kathryn and I are just going to have to meet them out front, very clearly explain to Lucy that, come hell or high water, she will not be bringing a black man into our house, and then take them right out and treat them both to a lovely, lovely dinner.

Maybe we can take him to go eat watermelon salad and fried chicken tempura at that new Asian fusion place.

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