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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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I Would Like To Win a Prize

This morning the telephone rang while I was downstairs washing some slacks, so I rushed upstairs and caught it on the 14th ring. To my surprise it wasn't my daughter in Tulsa or my neighbor Cecil, but a young man who told me I'd qualified for the final prize round for a trip to exotic Mexico City! I didn't remember signing up for any trip to exotic Mexico City, but I told the man, "Why, that's super—I would like to win a prize!"

Okay, I'll admit it—I'm doggone contest crazy. Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, Coca-Cola's Win a Trip to Super Bowl XXXI, the Mobil Giant Gas Giveaway—if there's a prize to be won, you can bet I'm in the running, buster. Why, I'd even request my Social Security check in stamps if my licker and stickers weren't so sore as it is from all the entry forms I send away!

Down at Spregler's Food World during Tropical Days this year, I stuffed every box chock full of my name. I was the first person there at 8 a.m., and I was still writing at closing time, when Mr. Spregler politely asked me to leave.

All that hard work sure paid off, though. I was notified the next week that I could come and pick up my complimentary case of canned pineapple at the convenience counter!

Now, the wife isn't much of a fruit eater, and as for me, I've hardly been able to keep anything sweet down since my gall bladder surgery in February. But I just made my eighth glazed ham since winning the pineapples a few weeks ago, and I figure what I don't use up by the end of the month, I'll give out at Halloween, a few slices in a zip-lock baggie for each little hungry goblin.

I've won a lot of other things, too. I won 40 percent off all my long distance calls for a month just by switching to AT&T. I won a canary from a pet store, but after buying the cage and the food, it died on the way home. It looked pretty good hanging from the rear-view mirror, though.

I won a free carpet cleaning over the phone, but I did have to fake a diabetic attack to make them leave when I wouldn't buy the machine. "Damned Insulin!" I yelled over and over again, with my eyes all bugged out, backing them out the door by spitting orange juice at them.

I won a free car wash with a gas fill-up by scratching off my Amoco game piece. In fact, I've won that every time I've filled up. I tell you, I'm lucky! I won a screwdriver set with a mail-in entry form at Klimke Hardware. It was quite a lovely day trip driving out to get it. I'd never been to Canada before.

I also won five free sauna hours at Better You Health Club. After I bought a membership to the club for $59.99, I went straight to the steam room. It was just like I'd seen on that episode of Night Court, except we don't have any wise-cracking black men in Cedarburg.

In the end, I didn't have such a great time, though, because I didn't know I didn't have to take my five free sauna hours all at once. The aerobics instructor found me on the floor in there and pulled my flame-red, wrinkled body out into the lobby by my ankles. I woke up when the cool air hit me, but I decided right then and there to leave the steaming for the broccoli.

Now the wife, she thinks I'm loco for entering all these contests, but I told her that when I win that trip to exotic Mexico City, she just doesn't have to come. Instead she can sit home and read the 41 magazine subscriptions I ordered. On the other hand, it would be nice to have her along to carry some of those packages the man said I'd have to take with me through customs.

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