adBlockCheck

I Would Never Ask An Audience To Put Their Hands In The Air Were I Not Willing To Do The Same

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Would Never Ask An Audience To Put Their Hands In The Air Were I Not Willing To Do The Same

When I take the stage, it is my foremost responsibility to ensure that those attending my concert enjoy themselves, and that is an obligation I do not take lightly. With a crowd of thousands relying on me to deliver an exhilarating performance, it is crucial that every one of my fans trusts that I will do not just what is necessary for them to have a memorable evening, but also what is right. So, in order to remove any doubt about my commitment to the people in this or any amphitheater, let me promise you all this: I would never, ever ask an audience to put their hands in the air were I myself not willing to do the same.

Simply put, when I issue such a weighty commandment, I do so fully prepared to join along with the audience every step of the way, throwing my own hands up and keeping them up until we blow the lid off of this joint—together.

That is my solemn pledge.

Of course, I acknowledge that my directive that those in attendance not just reach their hands up high, but also wave them side to side, may to some seem extreme, even unreasonable. But what they must realize is that I could not possibly ask of them what I, the realest rapper in the 215, would personally refuse to give.

It is a claim that I honor in deed as in word: When I demand that both those on the left and those on the right get out of their seats, they will see that I myself am already on my feet, for I am a man of principles. And for each request that everyone in the house make some noise, it will be my bellowing “Re-mixxxx!” that rings out first and loudest of all.

And above all else, trust that when I say “hey,” it comes from deep inside a man who has on many occasions been himself entrusted to say “ho.”

The lesson should be clear: I am not just the illest MC; I am one of you. Should I instruct you to bounce, I will bounce just the same. Should I request you raise your cup to the sky, my cup will already be aloft. And though I cannot profess to understand the exact nature of the female concertgoer experience, let it be known that I would never ask the ladies in the place to put their hands together if they know they fine if I didn’t believe in the depths of my being that, were I in their shoes, I would be applauding with the utmost vigor at my own fine-ass self upon receiving such an edict.

What my fans must understand is that I have been in their position many times before. At venues ranging from Brick City, The Bounce Room, and even Krunk Fest ’98, I have stood shoulder to shoulder with countless other party people as we together carried out some celebrated rhyme master’s entreaties to get ’em up, get ’em up, get ’em up, get ’em up. Yes, presently it is I who stands enrobed in the klieg lights and fog, but it was not so long ago that I was far from the stage, placing my total faith in the man with the microphone and trusting that he would do what was needed for everyone to get rowdy and keep the jam going all night long.

And now, I seek to continue in that proud, funky tradition, and send this bitch off the chain, for the benefit of all. But my estimable colleague DJ Dee-Lite and I cannot forge this path alone.

So, tonight, when that opening bass line thumps, rest assured that I will be leading the charge, waving my hands and getting down with my bad self as an example to all those in the crowd before me. For the honeys in the front row, for the fresh-ass pimps who are looking to fuck tonight, and even for the stone-cold chumps who need to loosen up and get freaky, I will be their champion until the final encore.

Because if the roof must be raised—and I assure you, once the beat drops we will all agree that it need be—I say let us raise it as one. For we must learn to groove together as players, or surely we will be straight tripping together as punk-ass busters.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close