I Would Treat The Girl From The Muffler Commercial Right

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Vol 39 Issue 42

Pope John Paul II: 25 Years Of Laughs

VATICAN CITY—As Pope John Paul II enters his 26th year as pontiff, the world is stopping to reflect on the legendary funnyman's career as one of the most influential performers in modern history. Standing staunchly against contraception and women's equality right through the turn of the 21st century, the pope and his quirky, deadpan comic persona still entertain audiences around the world.

Nursing-Home Residents Mate In Captivity

COLBY, KS—Following six months of failed attempts under intense observation by geriatric scientists, Briarwood Nursing Home residents Horace Klass, 86, and Helen Veukmaan, 83, successfully mated in captivity Monday. "As with most new arrivals to Briarwood, Horace and Helen at first seemed despondent," Briarwood's Dr. William Stander said. "Before long, though, they grew accustomed to their new habitat, and Horace soon felt comfortable enough to approach Helen. Indeed, Horace ultimately proved quite aggressive." Briarwood employees report that, after mating, Klass provided Veukmaan with half a box of windmill cookies.

Area Man Wins Conversation

KING MILLS, OH—A friendly chat about the weather resulted in victory for Daniel Cooper Wednesday, as a brilliant and well-timed rebuttal from the 36-year-old pastry chef devastated his opponent. "Yeah, well, if this is the heaviest rain we've had in years, then I guess I hallucinated my basement flooding last July," Cooper said, deftly parrying his coworker Colin Garrison's challenge. "This rain is nothing." Wordlessly acknowledging Cooper's superiority, Garrison slinked back to the cooler, defeated.

Katie Couric Winces At Word 'Vagina'

NEW YORK—Today host Katie Couric noticeably winced at mention of the word "vagina" during an interview with National Ovarian Cancer Foundation spokeswoman Janette Pruce Monday. "I understand that it's important to raise awareness and promote early detection, which is why I was happy to have [Pruce] on the show," a flustered Couric said after the interview. "I just didn't expect her to come right out and say the 'V' word." An intern on the show said that Couric hadn't appeared that uncomfortable since walking in on one of the Dixie Chicks breastfeeding.

More Than $30 Worth Of Burned CDs Stolen From Residence

ALBUQUERQUE—Police are still not investigating a burglary at the Watson Avenue apartment of George Kinney, who reported the theft of more than 300 CDRs, with an estimated value of $32. "It looks like the bastard dropped down onto my back balcony from the neighbor's roof," Kinney said Monday. "Goddammit. I spent hours burning all those CDs." Kinney was the victim of a similar crime in June 2001, when someone broke into his YMCA locker and stole his Diet Pepsi Twist promotional duffel bag, which contained a copy of USA Today.

U.S. Upset After Aliens Land In Italy

WASHINGTON, DC—White House press secretary Scott McClellan issued a statement Monday expressing disappointment "on behalf of all Americans" that alien envoys from the planet Xygal 8B made their historic first landing in Italy, rather than in the U.S. "We are confused and saddened that the Xygalians chose to take their first steps on Tuscan soil," McClellan said. "We are hopeful that [Xygalian] Cmdr. Gorx will recognize the oversight and relocate to the U.S., which is better equipped to host an intergalactic traveler." McClellan added that the internationally televised handshake between Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and Gorx "added insult to injury."

Lawyer Friend Makes Strong Case For Nachos

HARTFORD, CT—During a night out for dinner and drinks at Shooters Bar And Restaurant, probate attorney Michael Bradshaw built a strong case in re ordering nachos, Bradshaw's friends reported Tuesday.

Ridiculous Small-Business Plan Encouraged By Friends

MISSOULA, MT—Due in large part to the encouragement of her so-called friends, 34-year-old Karen Sabin quit her steady job to make and sell homemade gourmet dog biscuits out of her home, the former hospital receptionist told reporters Monday.
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I Would Treat The Girl From The Muffler Commercial Right

Oh my God, it's on again. There's the girl I've been telling you about—the one I always see on television. Quiet! This is my favorite part. Just look at her. Isn't she the most beautiful woman you've ever seen? Doesn't she have the nicest voice? I know this in my heart: If I had a chance, I would treat that girl from the muffler commercial right.

I'd pick her up after her shift at the muffler store every single day. I wouldn't even get mad if she made me wait while she punched out and got her coat from her locker. I'd just sit in my truck and listen to sports radio until she was ready to go. When she got into the truck, she could even change the station if she wanted to. But I'll bet she likes listening to the games. She works at a muffler store, after all.

If that girl from the muffler commercial were my girl, I'd do everything I could to impress her. I'd get that Exclamation cologne that girls seem to like, and I'd dress in nice clothes if we had to go somewhere special. And I'd stop getting drunk on Friday and Saturday nights. I'd take her to the creek for a romantic picnic whenever she wanted. Or we could just watch television and hang out in my apartment. Hell, if she wanted to go out drinking, we could do that, too. She looks sweet, but I'll bet she's got a wild side, too.

I can imagine her now, standing there in those perfectly clean coveralls, giving me the big smile she gives to the guy in the muffler commercial who isn't sure which muffler he needs. Seeing that smile in person would probably turn me into a puddle.

It's true that there are a lot of guys working at the shop with her, in the commercial. But I'm sure she's just good friends with all those guys. I would never be jealous of her coworkers. That wouldn't be right.

If she wanted to go out to eat, I'd take her to nice places, like The Applewood Diner over in Ellensburg. I'd let her order whatever she wanted. She'd probably look just as good if she put on a few pounds worth of meatloaf platter. As long as she flashed those green eyes, like she does in the commercial when she lists off the top-selling muffler brands, I'd be happy.

I'll bet her last boyfriend really treated her bad. He probably zoned out when she complained about the guy who does the tire rotations. He didn't tell her how pretty she was every day and mean it, like I would.

You can tell she loves her job, the way she smiles and says, "Come into Hart Muffler & Auto Superstore." As long as she's happy, she can work at the muffler store as much as she likes. Besides, it would be cool to get a discount on spare parts. But even if she can't get a discount for me, I don't care.

I've driven to the Hart Muffler & Auto Superstore in Lodi a few times to pick up lug nuts, but I've never seen her working there. Maybe she works at the store over in Danville. I lie awake at night wondering where she might be. Maybe she decided that Hart's was too small-time, and she went to work for Meineke. A girl like that is bound to shoot to the top.

I know what you're thinking: How can I say I'm going to treat the muffler girl right, when everybody knows how bad I was to Kristi Paulson? Well, Kristi was trash. The muffler girl's got class. You can tell by the way she's so polite to the customers. I would never sleep with the muffler girl's best friend. And I would never leave her stranded out on Delton Road and then not call her for two weeks, even though we were engaged. You don't treat a diamond like trash.

I wish there was some way to get in touch with the muffler girl. No one at Hart Muffler seems to know who she is. All I have is the commercial and the picture from the Sunday insert.

Muffler girl, if you're reading this, please contact me. I'd be more excited to hear from you than the customer with the tie, who finally agrees that the right muffler is important to his car's performance. You won't regret it.

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