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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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I Wrote Another Play

For years now, I have fancied myself a bit of an amateur dramatist, and you may recall that about a year ago, I wrote a play entitled The Happy Bed-Chamber. I have now written another play, a three-act drama called The News-Paper Man And The Elves. Enjoy!

Dramatis Personae:

C. ERMINE ZWEEBOL, wealthy news-paper publisher of The Radish.

QUICK-SILVER, King of the Elves.

SPRY, an elf.

D. TOLLIVER RUMMIDGE, editor of The Frickton Globe-Clarion and Zweebol's hated rival.

(ACT 1. A news-paper office at night. C. ERMINE ZWEEBOL is at his desk.)

ZWEEBOL: This is awful! I just received word that City Hall is on fire, but it's an hour till dead-line, and all my reporters are at home with the typhus! I would cover the fire myself, but I fear it is too late, and The Frickton Globe-Clarion will scoop us!

(Enter RUMMIDGE.)

RUMMIDGE: Ah, Zweebol, old boy! As you can see, I bear a ledger-tablet filled with details of the great fire, which I will shortly have type-set in my very own news-paper. Sorry for your bad spot of luck, old boy, but that's the way the cake, or should I say The Radish, crumbles!

(Exit RUMMIDGE.)

ZWEEBOL: I am ruined! Ah, me! (Falls asleep.)

(ACT II. Same news-paper office. Enter QUICK-SILVER and SPRY.)

QUICK-SILVER: Poor C. Ermine Zweebol! We must help him in his time of need. Spry, gather up the other little elves and get to work.

SPRY: Yes, your majesty!

(Exit both.)

(ACT III. Same news-paper office, morning. The two ELVES sit atop stacks of newspapers. ZWEEBOL awakes.)

ZWEEBOL: Ah, what's this? (Reads Radish newspaper on desk.) "Exclusive! City Hall burns to the ground." (Looks at ELVES.) But who are you? And how–

QUICK-SILVER: It was simple. We little elves found and killed D. Tolliver Rummidge, stole his notes, and used them for your own front page!

ZWEEBOL: Dear little friends, you have saved me from ruin! For your troubles, I shall give you each a cup of rain-water and little hats fashioned from flower-petals!

ELVES (In unison): Huzzah for C. Ermine Zweebol, friend of the elves!

(CURTAIN.)

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