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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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I Wrote Another Play

For years now, I have fancied myself a bit of an amateur dramatist, and you may recall that about a year ago, I wrote a play entitled The Happy Bed-Chamber. I have now written another play, a three-act drama called The News-Paper Man And The Elves. Enjoy!

Dramatis Personae:

C. ERMINE ZWEEBOL, wealthy news-paper publisher of The Radish.

QUICK-SILVER, King of the Elves.

SPRY, an elf.

D. TOLLIVER RUMMIDGE, editor of The Frickton Globe-Clarion and Zweebol's hated rival.

(ACT 1. A news-paper office at night. C. ERMINE ZWEEBOL is at his desk.)

ZWEEBOL: This is awful! I just received word that City Hall is on fire, but it's an hour till dead-line, and all my reporters are at home with the typhus! I would cover the fire myself, but I fear it is too late, and The Frickton Globe-Clarion will scoop us!

(Enter RUMMIDGE.)

RUMMIDGE: Ah, Zweebol, old boy! As you can see, I bear a ledger-tablet filled with details of the great fire, which I will shortly have type-set in my very own news-paper. Sorry for your bad spot of luck, old boy, but that's the way the cake, or should I say The Radish, crumbles!

(Exit RUMMIDGE.)

ZWEEBOL: I am ruined! Ah, me! (Falls asleep.)

(ACT II. Same news-paper office. Enter QUICK-SILVER and SPRY.)

QUICK-SILVER: Poor C. Ermine Zweebol! We must help him in his time of need. Spry, gather up the other little elves and get to work.

SPRY: Yes, your majesty!

(Exit both.)

(ACT III. Same news-paper office, morning. The two ELVES sit atop stacks of newspapers. ZWEEBOL awakes.)

ZWEEBOL: Ah, what's this? (Reads Radish newspaper on desk.) "Exclusive! City Hall burns to the ground." (Looks at ELVES.) But who are you? And how–

QUICK-SILVER: It was simple. We little elves found and killed D. Tolliver Rummidge, stole his notes, and used them for your own front page!

ZWEEBOL: Dear little friends, you have saved me from ruin! For your troubles, I shall give you each a cup of rain-water and little hats fashioned from flower-petals!

ELVES (In unison): Huzzah for C. Ermine Zweebol, friend of the elves!

(CURTAIN.)

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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