I Wrote Another Play

Top Headlines

Recent News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

I Wrote Another Play

For years now, I have fancied myself a bit of an amateur dramatist, and you may recall that about a year ago, I wrote a play entitled The Happy Bed-Chamber. I have now written another play, a three-act drama called The News-Paper Man And The Elves. Enjoy!

Dramatis Personae:

C. ERMINE ZWEEBOL, wealthy news-paper publisher of The Radish.

QUICK-SILVER, King of the Elves.

SPRY, an elf.

D. TOLLIVER RUMMIDGE, editor of The Frickton Globe-Clarion and Zweebol's hated rival.

(ACT 1. A news-paper office at night. C. ERMINE ZWEEBOL is at his desk.)

ZWEEBOL: This is awful! I just received word that City Hall is on fire, but it's an hour till dead-line, and all my reporters are at home with the typhus! I would cover the fire myself, but I fear it is too late, and The Frickton Globe-Clarion will scoop us!

(Enter RUMMIDGE.)

RUMMIDGE: Ah, Zweebol, old boy! As you can see, I bear a ledger-tablet filled with details of the great fire, which I will shortly have type-set in my very own news-paper. Sorry for your bad spot of luck, old boy, but that's the way the cake, or should I say The Radish, crumbles!

(Exit RUMMIDGE.)

ZWEEBOL: I am ruined! Ah, me! (Falls asleep.)

(ACT II. Same news-paper office. Enter QUICK-SILVER and SPRY.)

QUICK-SILVER: Poor C. Ermine Zweebol! We must help him in his time of need. Spry, gather up the other little elves and get to work.

SPRY: Yes, your majesty!

(Exit both.)

(ACT III. Same news-paper office, morning. The two ELVES sit atop stacks of newspapers. ZWEEBOL awakes.)

ZWEEBOL: Ah, what's this? (Reads Radish newspaper on desk.) "Exclusive! City Hall burns to the ground." (Looks at ELVES.) But who are you? And how–

QUICK-SILVER: It was simple. We little elves found and killed D. Tolliver Rummidge, stole his notes, and used them for your own front page!

ZWEEBOL: Dear little friends, you have saved me from ruin! For your troubles, I shall give you each a cup of rain-water and little hats fashioned from flower-petals!

ELVES (In unison): Huzzah for C. Ermine Zweebol, friend of the elves!

(CURTAIN.)

Next Story