adBlockCheck

I'd Make A Good Fat Guy

Top Headlines

Recent News

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I'd Make A Good Fat Guy

I recently read somewhere that 64 percent of adult Americans are overweight or obese. And it got me to thinking: If I had to, not only could I put on the extra weight, but I'd actually be a pretty impressive fat guy.

I've already got the eating part down. I love food. Who doesn't? And the prospect of eating three Denver omelets with extra cheese for breakfast, a Big Mac for lunch, a bucket of fried chicken for dinner, and a cheesesteak for a midnight snack, all the while sucking down four or five 32-ounce Cokes, is too inviting to resist. I heard that many fat people eat when they're not even hungry. That could be a challenge at first, but if I really focused, I could pull it off. Who knows, someday I might be able to consume a pack of uncooked hot dogs in one sitting.

My frame is nearly ideal for accommodating excess pounds. I'm tall and a little broad across the shoulders, so the weight would be evenly distributed. And I already have about a dozen pairs of suspenders. I love 'em! Better than belts, any day of the week.

I have a good face, but it would be great if it were 40 percent wider. I would keep clean-shaven for optimum extra-chin display. That way, you could see them jiggle comically when I ran or made any kind of sudden movement. I could probably achieve the same effect with man-breasts too. If the phone rang, I could waddle to it, jiggling and rippling every which way. Or what if I fell down? Ker-thud! It'd take me half an hour to get up again! Just scrambling around, rolling over on the floor there.

As I said, pretty impressive.

I can't tell you how many times someone has told me, "You have a very fat laugh." And it's true. It's deep and hearty, and my whole body sort of quivers up and down. Sometimes, there's a wheeze at the end that would be a hundred times better if it was backed by excess body mass. I've even been known to momentarily not breathe in the middle of the night. My wife informs me that every now and then, I'll get very still and quiet, then gasp loudly and snore for a while. Turns out that I could do it without even trying if I were morbidly obese.

Even my name, Clay Meister, sounds kind of fat, don't you think? Or I could just lose the Clay and have people call me "Tiny."

I know what you're thinking: "There's millions of fat people out there, Clay—you'd be a drop in the ocean. What would set you apart from the rest?" Truth of the matter is, many fat folks aren't that good at being fat. They're clumsy, they're ungainly, and quite frankly, they're a little depressed—and depressing. Clearly, some of them are in over their heads.

But "Tiny" Meister would put the "jolly" back in "fat and jolly." I like making people happy, and one way to do it is to cultivate an appearance that makes people smile. It's just that part of me that likes to give. And when I drive slowly down the street in my mini-tractor Rascal scooter, my toy poodle pulled behind in a little cart, there would be no doubt that I own my corpulence, not the other way around. And if people ridiculed me, I would be completely fine with it. You can't exactly expect people to stay on their best behavior when they notice a 450-pound guy with a mouth ringed with cherry filling. Yuk it up, folks!

But I suppose it's all moot for now. I have too much going on to be a more-of-me-to-love person. Maybe when I retire, I can finally chase the dream. At least I have something to look forward to.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close