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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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Ideas That Made Me Millions

Astute readers—of which I have nearly none, as you are a pack of Judas-livered, porridge-pantsed, mung-brained tit-mice—know that I am renowned throughout the Republic for my formidable business acumen. And though my fame and fortune spring mainly from my able helms-manship of The Onion news-paper, I have had many successful marketing ventures over the years. I certainly didn't get to be the East Coast's fore-most miser by depending on your literacy, you know!

However, due to complexities of finance too arcane to go into here, I could not always take credit for the money-making consumer goods I created. To circumvent this nation's moronic laws concerning usury, copy-rights and the income-taxation, I was forced to do business under many different noms de guerre, including Lucian Wentworth, T. Zwibbleford Hermansen and, in Europe, Herr Professor-Doktor Ignatius G. Farben. But the products were mine, I assure you, and I list them here as an example of what an enterprising man may do with hard work, gumption and a rapacious, blood-thirsty pack of the God-damnedest lawyers Satan ever whelped:

"Brusko," the Mentholated-Asbestos Cigarillo. Thumb-Cuffs. A cunning Gas, useful in the exterminary field and the attrition sciences, made from Mustard. A life-like caricature, crafted of India-rubber to resemble and replace, in all important aspects, a Woman. The Swineburne Line of Delicious and Healthful Radiator-Prepared Meats. Butane. A Steam-less Steam-shovel. Milk of Magnesium-Cyano-Phosphate. A clever hand-tool for the elimination of sore molars, piles or unwanted infants. The North American Prison System. Irishman-In-A-Hogshead. The Spaniel. A cunning device used to sweeten one's enjoyment of broadcast wire-less entertainments known as the Laughter-Track. The Particle-Board.

The roll-call of genius goes on. Do you see, dullards, how all-pervasive I have been in your lives? Every third object in your hovel is my brain-child! It is amazing what keen intelligence and gumption can accomplish, and a great tragedy that you possess neither.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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