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Ideas That Made Me Millions

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Ideas That Made Me Millions

Astute readers—of which I have nearly none, as you are a pack of Judas-livered, porridge-pantsed, mung-brained tit-mice—know that I am renowned throughout the Republic for my formidable business acumen. And though my fame and fortune spring mainly from my able helms-manship of The Onion news-paper, I have had many successful marketing ventures over the years. I certainly didn't get to be the East Coast's fore-most miser by depending on your literacy, you know!

However, due to complexities of finance too arcane to go into here, I could not always take credit for the money-making consumer goods I created. To circumvent this nation's moronic laws concerning usury, copy-rights and the income-taxation, I was forced to do business under many different noms de guerre, including Lucian Wentworth, T. Zwibbleford Hermansen and, in Europe, Herr Professor-Doktor Ignatius G. Farben. But the products were mine, I assure you, and I list them here as an example of what an enterprising man may do with hard work, gumption and a rapacious, blood-thirsty pack of the God-damnedest lawyers Satan ever whelped:

"Brusko," the Mentholated-Asbestos Cigarillo. Thumb-Cuffs. A cunning Gas, useful in the exterminary field and the attrition sciences, made from Mustard. A life-like caricature, crafted of India-rubber to resemble and replace, in all important aspects, a Woman. The Swineburne Line of Delicious and Healthful Radiator-Prepared Meats. Butane. A Steam-less Steam-shovel. Milk of Magnesium-Cyano-Phosphate. A clever hand-tool for the elimination of sore molars, piles or unwanted infants. The North American Prison System. Irishman-In-A-Hogshead. The Spaniel. A cunning device used to sweeten one's enjoyment of broadcast wire-less entertainments known as the Laughter-Track. The Particle-Board.

The roll-call of genius goes on. Do you see, dullards, how all-pervasive I have been in your lives? Every third object in your hovel is my brain-child! It is amazing what keen intelligence and gumption can accomplish, and a great tragedy that you possess neither.

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