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Ideas That Made Me Millions

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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
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Ideas That Made Me Millions

Astute readers—of which I have nearly none, as you are a pack of Judas-livered, porridge-pantsed, mung-brained tit-mice—know that I am renowned throughout the Republic for my formidable business acumen. And though my fame and fortune spring mainly from my able helms-manship of The Onion news-paper, I have had many successful marketing ventures over the years. I certainly didn't get to be the East Coast's fore-most miser by depending on your literacy, you know!

However, due to complexities of finance too arcane to go into here, I could not always take credit for the money-making consumer goods I created. To circumvent this nation's moronic laws concerning usury, copy-rights and the income-taxation, I was forced to do business under many different noms de guerre, including Lucian Wentworth, T. Zwibbleford Hermansen and, in Europe, Herr Professor-Doktor Ignatius G. Farben. But the products were mine, I assure you, and I list them here as an example of what an enterprising man may do with hard work, gumption and a rapacious, blood-thirsty pack of the God-damnedest lawyers Satan ever whelped:

"Brusko," the Mentholated-Asbestos Cigarillo. Thumb-Cuffs. A cunning Gas, useful in the exterminary field and the attrition sciences, made from Mustard. A life-like caricature, crafted of India-rubber to resemble and replace, in all important aspects, a Woman. The Swineburne Line of Delicious and Healthful Radiator-Prepared Meats. Butane. A Steam-less Steam-shovel. Milk of Magnesium-Cyano-Phosphate. A clever hand-tool for the elimination of sore molars, piles or unwanted infants. The North American Prison System. Irishman-In-A-Hogshead. The Spaniel. A cunning device used to sweeten one's enjoyment of broadcast wire-less entertainments known as the Laughter-Track. The Particle-Board.

The roll-call of genius goes on. Do you see, dullards, how all-pervasive I have been in your lives? Every third object in your hovel is my brain-child! It is amazing what keen intelligence and gumption can accomplish, and a great tragedy that you possess neither.

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