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Ideas That Made Me Millions

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Ideas That Made Me Millions

Astute readers—of which I have nearly none, as you are a pack of Judas-livered, porridge-pantsed, mung-brained tit-mice—know that I am renowned throughout the Republic for my formidable business acumen. And though my fame and fortune spring mainly from my able helms-manship of The Onion news-paper, I have had many successful marketing ventures over the years. I certainly didn't get to be the East Coast's fore-most miser by depending on your literacy, you know!

However, due to complexities of finance too arcane to go into here, I could not always take credit for the money-making consumer goods I created. To circumvent this nation's moronic laws concerning usury, copy-rights and the income-taxation, I was forced to do business under many different noms de guerre, including Lucian Wentworth, T. Zwibbleford Hermansen and, in Europe, Herr Professor-Doktor Ignatius G. Farben. But the products were mine, I assure you, and I list them here as an example of what an enterprising man may do with hard work, gumption and a rapacious, blood-thirsty pack of the God-damnedest lawyers Satan ever whelped:

"Brusko," the Mentholated-Asbestos Cigarillo. Thumb-Cuffs. A cunning Gas, useful in the exterminary field and the attrition sciences, made from Mustard. A life-like caricature, crafted of India-rubber to resemble and replace, in all important aspects, a Woman. The Swineburne Line of Delicious and Healthful Radiator-Prepared Meats. Butane. A Steam-less Steam-shovel. Milk of Magnesium-Cyano-Phosphate. A clever hand-tool for the elimination of sore molars, piles or unwanted infants. The North American Prison System. Irishman-In-A-Hogshead. The Spaniel. A cunning device used to sweeten one's enjoyment of broadcast wire-less entertainments known as the Laughter-Track. The Particle-Board.

The roll-call of genius goes on. Do you see, dullards, how all-pervasive I have been in your lives? Every third object in your hovel is my brain-child! It is amazing what keen intelligence and gumption can accomplish, and a great tragedy that you possess neither.

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