If Al-Qaeda Had A Hockey Team, We'd Kick Its Ass!

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Vol 40 Issue 08

Colorado Football Under Fire

In a growing scandal, several women have charged that they were raped by football players at the University of Colorado. What do you think?

ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year

IRVING, TX—Hoping to avoid the "scraping and scrambling" it does every year, the ExxonMobil Corporation announced Tuesday that it has made a solemn promise to get moving on taxes early this year. "I swear, this time we are not going to be up all night on April 15," ExxonMobil chairman and CEO Lee R. Raymond said. "We're going to start sorting through those receipts from the Qatar and Malaysia production facilities the first weekend we have time. Wouldn't it be nice to get it done ahead of time for a change?" Raymond said he hasn't forgotten driving around at 10 p.m. looking for a gas station with a copy machine last year.

4-Year-Old Reportedly Loved Trip To Italy

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—According to his mother, 4-year-old Justin Finley "absolutely loved" a recent family trip to Italy. "He adored the fountains and the wonderful food, but Justin's favorite part of the trip was the La Scala Opera House in Milan," Heather Finley said Monday. "He was so excited at the La Scala that he was jumping up and down on the benches and climbing up the curtains." Finley then launched into her 23rd recounting of the family's tour of St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, where Justin pointed to the gilt ceiling and said, "Look, pretty yellow!"

Transformer Refuses To Change Back Into Volkswagen

CYBERTRON—Following an intense battle with Megatron and his evil Decepticons Monday, former robot-in-disguise Bumblebee refused to revert to his natural state as a yellow Volkswagen Beetle. "I hid my existence in this world by taking the form of a vehicle! I revealed my true nature when I was called upon to protect earth!" said Bumblebee, a member of Optimus Prime's heroic Autobots force. "I refuse to change back into a humiliating bubble-shaped compact car!" Bumblebee added that Megatron arrived on earth with one goal: Destruction!

Man Kinda Excited For Internal Camera Procedure

FREDERICK, MD—Two days before his scheduled colonoscopy, Barry Feldman, 47, told his wife Joyce he was "kinda excited" by the idea of a camera taking internal pictures of him, sources reported Tuesday. "I'm a little nervous about the test results, but it sure is amazing that they'll be taking photos with a camera the size of a pencil eraser!" Feldman said. "I talked to the doctor, and he said I'll be able to watch the whole thing on a monitor. He said they can even make me a video tape!" Feldman added that he hopes he doesn't pass out from the pain and miss something.

Thai Premier Eats Entire Bucket Of Chicken To Calm Bird-Flu Fears

BANGKOK—To allay concerns about the safety of Thai poultry following an outbreak of the H5N1 bird virus, Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra ate an entire 15-piece bucket of fried chicken on live television Monday. "See, it's fine, this chicken," Shinawatra said as he tore into a leg. "You are all worried for nothing. It's delicious." In a Carson's Group International poll taken after the broadcast, 63 percent of viewers said they wouldn't be afraid to eat chicken raised in Thailand, but 94 percent said they were afraid of Shinawatra.

Going Out Is Too Much Hassle

Hola, amigos. What's going on? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been out of my head lately. I've put on about 15 pounds since I started my job driving people back and forth between the airport and the car-rental place. I don't get it. I've been driving my ass off, and I'm still becoming a king-sized fat-ass. I'm trying that Atkins diet. They got a book about it, but why bother with that? I think I got the gist of it from hearing Wes' mom talk about it all the time. I mean, eat nothing but meat? Sign me up. I went out and got myself 12 packs of hot dogs and a 10-pound box of frozen hamburger patties. I haven't lost any weight yet, but I figure you gotta give these things some time to work.

Bush To Cut Deficit From Federal Budget

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush proposed a $2.4 trillion election-year budget Monday that would boost defense spending, redistribute funds among government programs, and cross out the $477 billion deficit entirely.
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If Al-Qaeda Had A Hockey Team, We'd Kick Its Ass!

All right, so al-Qaeda is still giving us a little bit of trouble. We haven't found bin Laden yet, and I guess there're still these little cells of them all over the place. But we shouldn't let that crush our spirit, because we'll get 'em. America always wins at the end, in wars or in anything else. I don't know what's taking so long over there, but I do know this: If al-Qaeda had a hockey team, we'd totally kick its ass.

Can you imagine? It'd be so sweet. We'd have the advantage before the puck even dropped. First of all, they'd be from the Middle East, which is no hockey powerhouse. I'll bet their ice always melts down before the game's even over. Plus, their rink would probably be all bombed out. Or it'd be in a tent or something. And you know al-Qaeda's hockey uniforms would be totally ugly, with stupid colors and all kinds of Allah shit all over them. The jerseys would have those big long Ramalama bin Dingdong names on the back, and those Arabic numbers they use over there.

But America's team...

Well, players from everywhere would be jumping to sign on, man! We'd have no problem assembling a kick-ass international coalition to play the al-Qaeda if we wanted, but America would have to be firm and say, "Sorry friends, this game's ours."

So, who would we get to go head-to-head with those terrorist fuckers? Only our most bad-assed pros! Now, I know some people would want to go all Lake Placid and use amateurs, but, hey, did al-Qaeda use amateur terrorists on the World Trade Center? Hell, no. So we'd get pros like Brett Hull, the best American scorer ever, and skills guys like Mike Modano. We'd add in some hard guys who don't mind going into the corners or dropping the gloves if the sticks come up—I'm thinking, like, Jeremy Roenick on this one. And the capper? Flourtown's own Mike Richter comes out of retirement to play goal, baby! And if they get in the crease, Rafalski takes 'em out. Face it: On paper, al-Qaeda's boned.

But then they'd get to the game, right? And it'd be awesome! Because they'd have to have it in Madison Square Garden, on account of who the shit wants to go to Afghanistan?

President Bush'd be there to fire up our skaters by looking right at the al-Qaeda bench and repeating his warning to all terrorists: "Bring it on!" The crowd would go nuts! Everyone would be going so crazy, they'd hardly hear Ted Nugent sing the national anthem! The camera would cut to the al-Qaeda bench, and they'd all be sitting in their towel helmets thinking, "Oh, shit, what the fuck did we get ourselves into?"

Now, I'm not saying it'd be total cake. Everyone knows those guys are crafty little fuckers who don't play fair. They'd probably try to overload one side or the other, then suicide-crash the net to try to sneak the puck in. They might even go a goal up on us late in the first period, because you know Team USA would come out of the gate all fired up, and that level of emotion can get you in turnover trouble.

So let's be realistic here—the first period might be closer than a lot of people would like. But that'd just give those bastards a false sense of security, because 20 minutes against our seasoned pros would be enough to rag their legs out big time. So the second-period horn goes, and here's my prediction: four goals in the first 10 minutes, baby, if not five! Bet your ass there's a hattie for my man Brett Hull.

So of course al-Qaeda starts getting chippy and the sticks come up, but that plays right into our hands. We'll be going, "Okay, al-Qaeda, you wanna get aggressive? You like that? Jump in, buds!" And then the whistles start going, because you don't think al-Qaeda gets the officials on their side in Madison Square Garden, do you? Fuck nah.

So, of course, then we'd get the power play. And face it, at that point, the game's pretty much over for them. They have to ask the crowd to stop chanting "USA! USA! USA!" But guess what, man? We ain't gonna stop! So al-Qaeda pulls their goalie, and while they're trying for the extra-man goal in garbage time to save face, they fail to notice one important detail: the Navy SEALs coming down from the ceilings and walls to capture everyone on the al-Qaeda bench. 'Cause there's no way we're letting those half-assed-hockey-playing terrorist bastards just waltz out the door. And that's how the greatest hockey game in history would end.

Man, those guys better hope we never catch them on skates.

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