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If Elected, I Will Be Extremely Surprised

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Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

If Elected, I Will Be Extremely Surprised

Distinguished residents of the Pine View Senior Center,

On Tuesday, Nov. 2, our district will hold an election for its seat in the state senate, and you, as citizens of this great nation, will be called upon to take part in our democratic process and exercise that most vaunted right: the vote. I ask you, Pine View residents, when you enter that booth Tuesday, to vote for me, B. Paul Knefler. Because I have no hands-on experience in government, I stand before you with this promise: If I am elected, I will be truly surprised.

Some of you may recognize me as the guy who runs for office a lot. In the past, I've sought seats on the school board and in the city council. Last year, I even ran for mayor. Today, I cast my hat in the ring once more. The state-senate run marks my most ambitious, and most absurd, campaign to date. Please flabbergast me with your support.

As the independent candidate, I'll be facing off against Democratic incumbent Martin LaSoeur and Republican challenger Elizabeth Cowles. But unlike Mr. LaSoeur and Ms. Cowles, if I'm chosen to represent you in our state government, I will be amazed. For, as with my previous campaigns, this one will be characterized by poor organization, ill-defined purpose, and confusing rhetoric. From my opposition to "ideology" in the public-education system to my bizarre municipal-bond-burning stunt in front of City Hall, I will do nothing to convince you, the voters, that I am qualified to hold office.

Several elements of my personality doom my candidacy. Key among my flaws: I don't understand the issues. Many of you are upset about what you call "property taxes." I must say, I don't care about that issue. I've lived with my elderly mother in the same house since the day I was born. My mother holds the title to the home and is therefore responsible for the tax payment, which her pension and Social Security cover. Another common constituent concern is "urban sprawl." This issue, I don't understand. The papers this morning indicate that "a vociferous minority, angered by the town of Eden Grove's unauthorized annexation of nearby Munkado, is calling for the reform of state annexation laws and a reassertion of property rights for individuals." Very complicated.

Another factor contributing to my guaranteed failure is my fixation on a few narrow issues. Citizens, if you choose to let me represent you in our senate, I will eliminate public sewers. I associate sewers with the degradation of the individual citizen's autonomy. (The aforementioned municipal-bond-burning was related to this issue.) Also, I pledge to introduce the ovenbird to our district's ecosystem. The ovenbird is a magnificent bird.

My fellow citizens, a politician must serve his constituents tirelessly and understand their needs. I am not this man. During my travels across this district, I have met dozens of voters. I have seen them squirm under my glassy-eyed gaze. I have clasped their hands in my sweaty palms for much longer than is socially acceptable. I lack character and basic social skills. Why I must involve you, the people of this great state, in my vain grab for office is something that I will explain in a moment. For now, I promise each and every one of you that I will continue to campaign awkwardly until election day in November.

Right now, I am lagging in the polls, but I will mask my fear by adopting a blustery mien and peppering my conversation with grandiose, and usually misapplied, political terms. Few will be fooled, if the public's response to me at a recent debate on city cable channel 17 is a reliable indicator. When I wasn't making long-winded, irrelevant, disconnected remarks or staring into space, I burst into loud and inappropriate laughter. This performance earned me the ridicule of the local alternative weekly newspaper, which referred to me as a "drool case."

Yet, in the face of the obvious and inevitable, I will continue to stump for votes. Is it because I want the flacks at the state capitol to know that it's no longer politics-as-usual in the 31st district? Not really. Is it because I wish to sow the seeds of reform in the minds of voters? Eh, no. Such causes might motivate underdog candidates in their quest for public office, but they don't concern me. So why do I run? Because, good people, if you find it in your hearts to send me to the State Capitol next January, not only will you be springing me from my mother's home, but you will also rescue me from the drudgery of the 15 or 20 hours of work I put in at my uncle's grocery store each week.

Before I go, let me remind you that, unlike the other candidates who hide behind lies and half-truths, I offer only the facts. The first of these facts: I don't stand a chance. The second: If, by some freak occurrence, I am voted into office, I will suck as your senator. Seriously, if elected, I will absolutely blow balls. In return for your support, you will receive nothing.

Thank you, and God bless this state.

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