Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

If God Exists, Why Doesn’t He Throw Us, Like, A Really Fucking Sweet Party?

I’ve been struggling with some pretty big questions lately about life and the meaning of existence. And to be honest, these days I’m finding it hard to believe what I was taught as a child, namely that there’s an all-knowing God who’s always watching over us and listening to our prayers. As much as I’d like to accept that an intelligent, loving presence is up there, I keep wrestling with doubts, and there’s one in particular I just can’t get past: If there truly is an omnipotent being who created the universe and wants us to live by His word, then why doesn’t He just throw us a really sick fucking party?

Seriously, if the Lord gave us just one kickass rager that went all night, that’s all it would take for me to believe.

Some will argue that’s not how God operates. “He works through the people in our lives,” they’ll say. Or, more frustratingly: “God’s ways are not for us to understand.” But those answers don’t satisfy me anymore. If God is real, wouldn’t He want us to know it? Wouldn’t He want us all to acknowledge His presence and worship Him? Well, if He’d just throw us one epic party with a couple kegs and everything, the question could be settled once and for all. We’d know that He exists, and everyone would believe in Him without a shred of doubt.

In the Bible, it seems like the Lord cares so much about us honoring Him and obeying Him; in fact, He’s supposedly so concerned about that stuff that He wrote His rules down as the Ten Commandments. So why doesn’t He just lay it all out on the table and open our eyes right here and now with an unforgettable, balls-to-the-wall blowout that’s so insane people will be talking about it for years to come?

I know that people will argue that believing in God isn’t about proof—it’s about having faith. But if God flooded the earth and delivered the Israelites from slavery in Egypt, then He’s certainly not opposed to intervening in human affairs. Which just begs the question of why He hasn’t taken us all up to a sweet lake house, filled up a few coolers with brews, and just let everyone get shitfaced. After all, wouldn’t God want us to appreciate Him and be happy by playing beer pong and quarters all night long?

Don’t tell me a being who created the world in seven days can’t put on an epic house party—I’m talking one where everyone has a plastic cup in their hands, we’ve got two different kinds of Jell-O shots going, there are people hanging out on the deck, people shotgunning cans up on the roof, and maybe even some body shots going on. Why not? This is an entity that supposedly created light and formed every single feature of the universe, so as far as booze is concerned, you know the Lord Himself would probably roll up with a ton of the high-end stuff—Stoli, Crown Royal, 151, all the primo shit.

Believe me, if the Lord completely stocked the bar with all that top-shelf liquor and a ton of mixers, I’d be in church every Sunday.

But the bottom line is that God hasn’t thrown a wild, rowdy party or even a BYOB barbecue, and that’s troubling. And when you really think about the concept of God, a bunch of other difficult questions come to mind, like why He lets bad things happen to good people, or why there is so much suffering in the world. If He exists and is truly a benevolent, loving God who cares about mankind, then why aren’t we partying hard 24-7? God could make it happen. He could say, “Let there be Cuervo,” and it would just show up. He could send His only son out to get more beer, or maybe just have Him drop by and turn some water into wine. Shit, man, if God really is all-powerful, we could keep that party bumping around the clock! We could all head down into the basement, where there’d be a big-ass dance floor and a fucking mind-blowing DJ spinning, because a God who reigns supreme over heaven and earth could hire anyone He wanted as entertainment, living or dead. He could have a band playing in the backyard with Jim Morrison, Bob Marley—whoever He wants.

What kind of a God wouldn’t want to do that for His creations?

It simply doesn’t add up. If God were really out there somewhere, He would have had at least one totally sweet rager or maybe even a whole block party by now. Maybe He did a long time ago, but there certainly haven’t been any killer fucking fiestas in my lifetime. All I’m asking for is one little bash from the Lord Almighty. It doesn’t even need to be a big, flashy deal or anything. It could just be a nice, laid-back get-together with some good tunes, good beer, and good people. God wouldn’t even have to show up if He didn’t want to, though it’d be fucking awesome if He did.

But here’s the thing: Without any proof of His existence, how can people even be sure they’re worshipping the correct god at all, especially when there are so many religions out there? Who’s to say that Christianity is right and that there isn’t another deity who’s actually in charge of the universe and who could throw us an even crazier all-out kegger? Buddha seems like he’d be down, maybe for a huge-ass pool party with a couple grills going, some volleyball, and then a bonfire when it gets dark. Or I could start praying to one of those Hindu gods with all the arms. Those guys could carry like six 30-racks of beer, high-five you, and blaze up all at the same time. That would be fucking epic!

I suppose I’m questioning this so much because, deep down, I desperately want to believe. Maybe God exists and maybe He doesn’t, but if He does, and He ever gets around to throwing a big party for the ages, I’d be the first one there with a case of MGD and my bubbler in hand. After all, if God created me in His image, then I know He’d want to party His balls off and get blitzed out of His mind.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.