adBlockCheck

If Humans Evolved To Be Social Creatures, Then Why Didn't Anyone Come To My Party?

Top Headlines

Recent News

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

If Humans Evolved To Be Social Creatures, Then Why Didn't Anyone Come To My Party?

It was Aristotle himself who first described humans as "social animals," and indeed his observation from 350 B.C. has been borne out by a considerable body of research in the field of evolutionary anthropology. Human beings have developed in such a way that gathering in groups is not merely advantageous but essential for the survival of both the individual and the species. Therefore, given the innate disposition of humans to congregate, it seems reasonable to ask: Why didn't anyone come to my party?

While it is true humans are not wholly unique in their collaborative tendencies—one immediately thinks of ants, canines, lions, and certain termites—no other primate even approaches the social interdependence exhibited by human beings, a phenomenon strongly at odds with the fact that it is now past 11 and not a single person is here.

I've been sitting by myself in my living room for three hours, this LCD Soundsystem album playing for no one. This is a state of isolation that, many scholars would argue, flies in the face of everything we know about the vital role of group dynamics in human evolution, which has been demonstrated to be indispensable for defense, procuring food, and child-rearing, among other factors necessary for the survival of a species.

I mean, even Dan hasn't shown up.

Dr. Michael Tomasello of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology has shown in his work on collective cognition that, in essence, I should not be going downstairs every 20 minutes to make sure the buzzer's working because humans are hardwired to coalesce into groups. The fact that I am watching this muted Denzel Washington movie on TNT instead of making out with a member of the opposite sex against a wall just contradicts our very engineering.

Also consider this scenario through the prism of developmental psychology. Humans possess a neural capacity for empathy that guides us from the day we are born, when, as babies, we cry at the sound of another baby crying. In other words, we are attuned to each other's emotional needs from the womb before we can even feed ourselves or tend to our bodily functions. This surely means that all the people who aren't here—and who were given plenty of notice, by the way—must feel a profound sense of unease at leaving me all alone staring at an unopened jug of margarita mix and wondering when I should just blow out the tea candles and call it a night.

Frankly, the cognitive dissonance they must be experiencing has to be overwhelming, particularly for Stephanie, who not only said she'd come and but actually offered to bring a punch bowl, too.

Of course, given that humanity's cooperative instincts are tempered by the impulse to pay tribute to the alpha male within a group, it is possible that everyone just went to Kyle's party instead. All the girls think he's sexually attractive. He's got a nicer apartment, too, and probably has some guy deejaying. Yep, just the kind of asshole you always see at the top of any primate dominance hierarchy, except of course for that of the more matriarchal bonobo.

As for me, I am now in the unfortunate position of the outcast who, while no longer in the physical peril from the predators he would have faced earlier in our evolution, is nevertheless left entirely on his own, with his inborn urges to socialize and procreate unsatisfied. Therefore, I shall now masturbate into this tube sock.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close