If I Could Do It All Over Again, I'd Omit The Hard Work

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Vol 39 Issue 14

Fisherman's 4-Year-Old Son Liberates Bait

INTERNATIONAL FALLS, MN—During a fishing trip Monday, Jason Jorgensen, the 4-year-old son of International Falls fisherman Bill Jorgensen, liberated an entire styrofoam container of nightcrawlers, throwing the bait into Rainy Lake. "Run, wormies, run!" said Jorgensen as he gave the former bait its first-ever taste of sweet freedom. "Swim home now!" Informed of the bold act, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals president Ingrid Newkirk praised Jason for releasing the worms from his father's "cruel yoke of tyranny."

Opening Band Issues Two-More-Songs Warning

SAN FRANCISCO—In an announcement that met with sarcastic cheers, Nate Pilson, lead singer of opening act Dickbasket, issued a two-more-songs warning to a crowd waiting to see headline act The Colecovisions. "This next one's gonna be our next-to-last song," said Pilson, 25, prompting widespread stretching and watch-checking among the Bimbo's 365 Club crowd. "It's from our upcoming EP. Hope you like it." Pilson then energetically launched into the song, trying not to notice the throngs of concertgoers streaming toward the bar or resuming the conversations they were having before the warning.

Clinton Emotionally Ready To Start Getting Blow Jobs Again

NEW YORK—Five years after the Monica Lewinsky scandal, former president Bill Clinton announced Tuesday that, at long last, he is emotionally ready to start receiving blow jobs again. "It has been a long, difficult road, but I am finally at a point in my life where I can receive oral sex from a woman again," Clinton told reporters. "After many years of soul-searching and intensive therapy, I am now able to enjoy getting blown without all that painful emotional baggage overshadowing what should be a wonderful experience."

Area Man No Longer Playing Up Resemblance To Kevin Spacey

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Put off by such films as The Life Of David Gale, The Shipping News, and K-PAX, local insurance salesman Brian Vandervelt, 37, is no longer playing up his resemblance to Academy Award-winning actor Kevin Spacey. "From the time of Glengarry Glen Ross up through American Beauty, I was loving all the Spacey comparisons," Vandervelt told reporters Tuesday. "But after four years of smug, self-righteous crap like Pay It Forward, it's a different story." Until Spacey stops playing repellently soulful saviors of humanity, Vandervelt said he will play up his resemblance to a young Bob Newhart.

Saddam Proud He Still Killed More Iraqi Civilians Than U.S.

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—Reflecting on his time as Iraq's president in a pre-taped television address, Saddam Hussein expressed pride Tuesday that, despite the success of the U.S. invasion and the civilian casualties it has inflicted, he still has killed far more Iraqis than President Bush.
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If I Could Do It All Over Again, I'd Omit The Hard Work

When you get to reach a certain age, you start to take stock of your life. On the whole, I'm pretty happy with the way things have turned out for me. I've got a fantastic wife, two wonderful children, and a successful landscaping business. Yep, all in all, I'd say I've had it pretty good.

Yet I do have one not-so-small regret. You see, in my 67 years, I spent a lot of time busting my hump—and for what? If I could do it all over again, I would definitely omit all the hard work.

They say youth is wasted on the young, and it's true. The young don't have the wisdom and experience to know what's important. If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have studied so hard or wasted all that time listening to my parents. I would use my hard-won hindsight to weasel out of the character-building chores and homework that were a constant in my younger days. But, unfortunately, I don't have a time machine. All that terrific goofing-off time in my teens and twenties, when I could have been stoned or drunk or catatonic in front of the TV, is gone forever. And why? Because I had my nose buried deep in some book, or was helping Dad paint the house. What a colossal waste.

You know what else galls me? For some reason, I got it into my head that owning my own business would be the best thing in the world. Sure, it's nice now that I'm an established name in the landscaping business. But for the first 20 years, it was nothing but back-breaking work getting that sonofabitch off the ground. Can I honestly say that my life is enriched because I'm my own boss, when I could have spent that time playing basketball or—better yet—watching people play basketball on TV? I don't think so. It's not like I'm so wealthy that people wait on me hand and foot. I lead a comfortable life, but a lot of people live comfortable lives without having to spend 15 years hauling rolls of sod.

Then there's the home I designed and built with my own two hands. This took four years of grueling labor while I was working full-time. And did I do it faster or cheaper or better than professional builders could have? Not really. Sure, there were moments of pride, like watching my two sons run up and down the stairs I built from a mighty oak I cut down myself. But when I look at the house most days, I just see sore hands, an aching back, and an endless list of repairs. Next time I need to do some major construction, I'm giving some Mexican day laborers a check and catching the first plane to Hawaii.

As for my family life, I'm lucky to have a wife like Cheryl, who at 62 is still a beautiful woman, both inside and out. Still, maintaining a marriage is incredibly difficult, especially for 38 long years. When I weigh all the compromise and the trust-building, the nurturing and the moral support, I'm not sure it's been entirely worth it. Yes, I have a soulmate and a confidant, but, really, when comes down to it, I just want to be having sex on a regular basis. Was it worth all the endless nights ironing out knotty relationship issues and keeping her happy with gifts and affection just for some sex, when a good hooker would have done the trick? I'd say no.

Then there are the kids. What was I thinking? Okay, so seeing your newborn child for the first time is a thrill that can't be equaled, I'll grant you that. But that moment of joy is dwarfed by all the headaches and hassles that come later: the smelly diapers, the expensive orthodontics, the horribly awkward father-son talks. Every phase of child-rearing presents a new parenting challenge: the terrible twos, the sullen tweens, the torrid teens. And after all the struggle and the tears, what's the great reward? A severely hobbled social life and a popsicle-stick birdhouse on Father's Day. Oh, and the joy of having someone call you "Daddy." Whoopee.

Yep, if you don't stop and take stock of your life, it'll all slip away from you. But even though I know I'll never get back all those years I foolishly squandered on my friendships, family, and business, I've still got some time left. And I'm determined to use that time well. After all, it's never too late to never lift another goddamn finger.

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