If I Don't Get My Medium-Rare Shell Steak With Roasted Vegetables In The Next 10 Minutes, The Terrorists Have Already Won

In This Section

Vol 37 Issue 40

Flood Of Cheap Afghan Heroin To Arrive Just In Time For Recession

NEW YORK—The nation's smack addicts received welcome news Monday, when The Wall Street Journal reported that the war in Afghanistan has opened the floodgates for cheap Afghan heroin, just in time for the coming recession. "Even if their stock portfolios are dwindling, America's junkies can take heart in the fact that the Taliban is embarking on a massive heroin sell-off, slashing prices dramatically," Wall Street Journal reporter Tom Petzinger said. "So even if GE drops to $20 a share, keep in mind that heroin has dropped to $50 a gram." Ed Evans, a recently laid-off Detroit auto worker and longtime heroin addict, called the report "real great, uh, that's unnnnhhf..."

Actor's Parents Proud He's Playing A Doctor

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Gail and Milt Greenblatt, parents of soap-opera star Brett Green, are beaming with pride that their son is a doctor on ABC's All My Children. "Dr. Cord Montgomery graduated from Harvard Medical School at the top of his class," Gail told a neighbor Monday. "What's more, he's the youngest surgeon at Pine Valley's top hospital." Milt expressed relief that his son has left behind the "rough crowd" he ran with last fall as a bully on Gilmore Girls.

JCPenney Abandons 45-Second Sale

PLANO, TX—JCPenney announced Monday that it is discontinuing its "45-Second Sale," in which all store items are 60 percent off from 1:00:00 p.m. to 1:00:45 p.m. "The 45-second sale drew very strong customer response," JCPenney CEO Allen Questrom said Monday. "Regrettably, only a handful of shoppers actually got to capitalize on our fantastic bargains due to the horrific injuries they sustained during the cashier stampede." In the future, Questrom said, JCPenney sales would be two minutes long at an absolute minimum.

Weird Coworker Apparently Likes Walking Two Miles To Work Every Day

SACRAMENTO, CA—Despite owning a car and receiving frequent offers of rides from coworkers, State Farm Insurance claims adjuster Jonathan Kiel inexplicably prefers to make the daily two-mile trek to work on foot. "I know he's got a car, and he certainly earns enough for a monthly bus pass," coworker Colin Damrush said, "but for some freaky, mind-boggling reason, he insists on walking a distance of almost two miles every day—to and from work." Damrush said he and others in the office suspect Kiel is part of "some weird Luddite cult."

I'm No Tali-fan!

Item! Terrorism has hit these shores, and I for one am ready to put my foot down and say enough! I don't care if I become a target for terror as a result of my stance. I think this is the time for action, not silence. So I've put an American flag on my car, one on my mailbox, and one on my dog. Take that, Osama Ben Laden!

Ashcroft's Vague Warnings

U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft has issued several vague warnings of "credible threats" of terrorism, urging Americans to stay on alert. What do you think?

Oprah Makes A Correction

Oprah Winfrey recently withdrew her selection of Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections for her book club. What did Franzen do to get dropped?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comedy

Sleep

If I Don't Get My Medium-Rare Shell Steak With Roasted Vegetables In The Next 10 Minutes, The Terrorists Have Already Won

Waitress, I realize you're very busy and, no doubt, you have a lot on your mind. God knows, everyone does these days. But what this country needs right now is a return to normalcy. We need to work, laugh, and eat the way we did before Sept. 11. That's why it's absolutely vital that I get my medium-rare shell steak with roasted vegetables in the next 10 minutes. Because if I don't, well, then the terrorists have already won.

These are hard times for all of us. Some days, I can barely bring myself to send back my tuna sandwich for having too much mayo or too little tarragon. Yet to hang my head in defeat and eat a sandwich that fails to meet my personal specifications is exactly what they want us to do. They want us to give up and admit defeat. I don't know how you were raised, but when life deals me a blow, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and demand that the kitchen reheat my lobster bisque. That's the way I am, and I'm not going to let some fundamentalist wacko halfway around the world change that.

You have to understand that keeping Americans from getting a finely marbled cut of tenderloin, de-boned and seared to perfection, in a timely manner is phase three of the terrorists' plan. The first was the destruction of our most powerful political and financial symbols. The second was to shake our confidence in our government's ability to protect us. The third is to prevent us from enjoying the high standards of service that customers here at Joe's Steak Pit have come to expect.

Don't you realize that by giving me poor service, you're giving poor service to America itself? Until you can learn to get me a decently chilled Pinot Grigio, maybe you should take that American-flag pin off your apron. Your entire kitchen staff is making a mockery of everything those stars and stripes stand for. You should feel ashamed wearing such a pin. You should also comp us free desserts to make up for the long wait.

At this crucial juncture in our nation's history, we have to come together as one. Only then do we stand a chance of getting through this. Also, we need a busboy over here ASAP to refill our water. If not, the fine line between quality service and chaos will not only be crossed, but stomped on. Without constant beverage refills, we might as well tear up the constitution and declare this great land of ours a theocratic dictatorship. Surely, the busboy understands the connection between prompt water refills and liberty, doesn't he? Perhaps you can remind him.

Do you want the blood of our forefathers to have been spilled for nothing? Well, if you can't bring us the entrees we need to rebuild our strength as a nation in the next five minutes, you might as well move to Afghanistan and join in one of their American-flag-burning rallies. Because that's what you're really doing.

I understand you got our appetizers to us relatively quickly, but that's only half the battle. Right now, you need to go to the waitress station and ask yourself some difficult questions. Namely, are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

Also, we need some fresh rolls when you get a chance.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More