If I Hold Out Another 2 Years, They’ll Give Me The Really Big Pension Bone

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

The Pros And Cons Of Body Cameras For Police

Following several high-profile civilian deaths at the hands of police officers, many Americans have called for the mandatory use of body cameras by law enforcement as a means of curbing the excessive use of force and providing clear accounts of officer...

Police Release Haircut-Progressed Photo Of Missing Woman

SYCAMORE, TX—Utilizing state-of-the-art imaging tools in an effort to spark renewed interest in the eight-month-old case, officials from the Sycamore Police Department released a haircut-progressed photo Wednesday showing how local woman Kelly Mance...

How Police Are Revamping Their Tactics

In the wake of widespread protests against police brutality and discrimination, law enforcement departments across the country are instituting new rules and policies to ensure safer practices.

Police Say Conditions Too Nippy To Rescue Missing Hiker

VAIL, CO—Noting that there was definitely a chill in the air, law enforcement officials confirmed Thursday that conditions were too nippy to continue search and rescue operations for Kyle Higgins, a 27-year-old hiker who has been missing for two day...

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sour...

The Pros And Cons Of Militarizing The Police

The ongoing clashes between residents of Ferguson, MO and heavily armed police forces—which are equipped with M16 rifles and armored vehicles—have drawn attention to the increasing militarization of police in the United States.

NYPD Offering No-Questions-Asked DVD Drop-Off

NEW YORK—Determined to reduce their devastating impact on the local community, the NYPD announced a new amnesty program Wednesday permitting New Yorkers to dispose of their DVDs anonymously and without consequence.

Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

NEW YORK—Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the stree...

Detroit Ending 24-Hour Police Station Access

Beginning this week, the City of Detroit will shut the doors of its police stations to the public for 16 hours a day. Here are other ways the cash-strapped city is saving money: Replacing the east side’s 11 functional streetlights with co...

May 13, 1932

Lindbergh Baby Found Dead: Police Vow to Convict Non-English-Speaking Immigrant 'At Any Cost'

Autopsy Reveals Subject Was Still Alive When Autopsy Began

MERIWETHER, MT—County coroner James Hextall announced Monday that a thorough autopsy of C. W. Milodragovitch, a local tavern owner pulled from an automobile accident last Saturday night, revealed that the man had been alive at the start of the autopsy.

Anti-Terrorism Measures

In the wake of the London bombings, what are American cities doing to protect their citizens from terrorist attacks?

Bush Lifts Ban On Vigilantism

WASHINGTON, DC—In a striking departure from centuries of American belief in rule of law, President Bush gave his approval Monday to a limited experiment in public vigilantism "to see if it works."

Breathalyzer Big Hit At Cop Party

AMARILLO, TX—In spite of the George Jones cover band and the Porterhouse steak dinner, the Lifeloc FC-10 Portable Breath Alcohol Tester was the hit of the Amarillo 12th Precinct Police Jamboree Monday night. "Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's my turn—gimme that or I'll shoot ya," said a besotted Sgt. Bill Dugan as he pawed at the breathalyzer in Officer Jack Ermi's mouth. "I just did five Cuervo shots, and I wanna see if I can get my blood number thingy up to .300." Attendees at the Jamboree said passing around the breath tester was nearly as fun as the impromptu pepper-spray fight at last fall's Coptoberfest.

Authority Figures Call For Closing Of Area Roughhouse

SEYMOUR, IN—Local authority figures and townspeople assembled Monday at Seymour Town Hall to call for the closure of the town's controversial roughhouse, alleging that it has caused countless scrapes, bumps, and bruises since it opened in 1986.

Psychic Helps Police Waste Valuable Time

MANCHESTER, NH—More than 36 hours after the disappearance of 13-year-old Heather Jordan, Manchester police hired local psychic Lynette Mure-Davis to help waste their valuable time Monday. "I see a river... and along the banks is an outcropping with five lilac bushes," said Mure-Davis, who then paused a full 90 seconds to "collect vibrations" from Jordan's scarf. "I also see a man... tall, but stocky, wearing... a hat. And an animal, perhaps a dog." As of press time, Jordan was still trapped under a collapsed utility shed three blocks west of her house.

Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist

LOS ANGELES—Despite occupying opposing roles in a good-cop/bad-cop dyad, LAPD officers Frank K. McGrew, 51, and Bob West, 36, have one thing in common: They're both extremely racist, 77th precinct sources reported Monday.

Teen Responsible For All Six Items In Clarksburg Police Blotter

CLARKSBURG, WV—According to sources at the Clarksburg Telegram, troubled youth Danny Nathum, 17, is responsible for all six items on Monday's police blotter. "We had two disorderly-conduct reports, three counts of vandalism, and one DUI arrest," Telegram assistant editor Jesse Sutton said. "Looks like Mr. Nathum had himself one heck of a busy weekend." Clarksburg, population 16,743, last experienced an all-Nathum crime spree in December, when the teen stole a bicycle, burned down a barn, and punched Old Man Herman.

Man Can't Get Police To Care About His Bob Crane Murder Theory

SCOTTSDALE, AZ— Despite his best efforts, Paul Bernardin, 38, has been unable to get the Scottsdale Police Department to care about his theory regarding the unsolved 1978 murder of actor Bob Crane in Scottsdale. "[Bernardin] keeps coming in here saying he knows who killed Col. Hogan," police chief Walter Dunfey said Monday. "Then he usually goes off on how the electrical cord Crane was strangled with doesn't match the ones in the other rooms of the hotel he was in. What am I supposed to do with that information?" Bernardin, Dunfey said, is also convinced that the police possess Crane's infamous stash of self-produced amateur pornography.

Security Guard Can't Afford To Relax For So Much As Six Hours

LAKELAND, FL—Mel King, the night security guard at 2300 Office Park Drive, can't afford to let his guard down for even six hours, the 47-year-old said Tuesday. "In a job like this, you have to be on full alert every once in a great while," King said. "Lose your focus for three or four hundred minutes, and the place could be robbed blind." King said he makes sure never to drift from his post more than twice per shift or stray from his ritual 3 a.m. viewing of back-to-back episodes of Riptide.

Slain Cop Had Only 37 Years Until Retirement

DETROIT–In a tragic twist of fate, Detroit police officer Stephen Brophy was cut down in the line of duty Monday, just 37 years before he was to retire. "Just yesterday, Stephen was talking about all the plans he and his wife had for 2038," said officer Pete Driscoll, Brophy's short-time partner, who was with the 28-year-old when he was fatally shot by an armed robber. "They were going to tour the country in an RV or maybe build a house in Maine, right after Stephen wrapped up his last four decades on the force." Added Driscoll: "His greatest wish was to see his daughter get married. Or his son if it was a boy."

Police Use Exact Right Amount Of Force To Subdue Suspect

CHICAGO–A pair of Chicago police officers earned accolades Monday, when they used the perfect amount of force to subdue 22-year-old robbery suspect Reggie Clifton. "Officers [Brendan] Ford and [Matt] Molloy did a terrific job, putting the suspect in a restraining headlock that was strong enough to immobilize him, yet not so strong as to accidentally cause his neck to snap," police chief Frank DeLuca said. "It should also be noted that these two exemplary officers did not open fire on the suspect when he put his hands in the air, mistakenly thinking he was reaching for a gun somewhere above his head."

Irish Wake A Blur

BOSTON–According to attendees, Saturday's wake for police officer Joseph "Joe" O'Malley was a total blur. "I think someone said something about remembering all the good times with Joe," said friend Patrick Monaghan, attempting to piece together details of the event Sunday. "Exactly which good times we remembered are lost to me now." Seamus McNamara agreed, saying, "I mainly recall making a lot of toasts and downing pint after pint of Guinness. Good ol' Joe."

Naïve Detective Suspects Fair Play

CHICAGO– Phil Kelly, a naïve detective with Chicago's 15th Precinct, suspected fair play Monday in the shooting death of local businessman Arnold Haver. "The shocked expression on the victim's face leads me to believe that he received some tragic news and subsequently committed suicide," Kelly said. "The fact that the bullet hole entered through his back shows just how determined he was to kill himself." Kelly also cited the misspelling of Haver's name in the suicide note and the fact that the left-handed victim was found with the gun in his right hand as evidence of the incredible stress he was under before taking his own life.

Private Eye's Office Ransacked For Fourth Time This Month

NEW ORLEANS–Private investigator Max McShane encountered a familiar sight Monday, entering his Bourbon Street office to find his file cabinets overturned, his spare necktie slung across a blade of a still-rotating ceiling fan, and his black, rotary-dial phone buzzing off the hook. "I just cleaned up this place from the last ransacking," McShane said. "Someone obviously wants me off the King murder case. Unless last Friday's ransacking was to scare me off the King case. Then this is probably about the Adams diamond theft."
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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

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Healthy Living

If I Hold Out Another 2 Years, They’ll Give Me The Really Big Pension Bone

You know, I love the force, and I’m proud to have devoted myself to law enforcement these past five years. I’ve seen the city and met every kind of person you can meet. But lately, the gray fur’s been creeping in, and I find I get more and more winded chasing down those drug runners. It’s time I got serious about retirement planning—and, specifically, about choosing the pension bone that’s right for me.

The fact is, I could walk away right now, get a respectable pension bone, and feel great about it. On the other hand, if I stick it out for two more years, I’ll get the really big bone. I mean the one my buddy Jimbo retired with last year: a 2-foot-long piece of unbleached rawhide, stewed in beef broth, smoked to perfection, and pure heaven to tear your teeth into.

That’s the kind of bone you can chew on all day for years and still have something to leave to your pups.

I’m not a fancy dog or anything—I could most likely make do with the $10 Petco bone I’m in line for now. But then I look at what happened to my old partner Blackie. He took early retirement, and that cheap plastic bone they gave him was down to a nub in three months. I still remember the look in his eyes: This is the thanks I get? Six years of putting his life on the line for this damn city, and now he spends his days moping around the yard looking for decent-sized sticks to chew up.

Another buddy of mine retired on disability with a bad hip—his package was just a length of knotted rope, which is barely even fun, and then only when there’s someone around to tug on the other end. Well, I’m not going out like that. I’ll keep my nose down and my muzzle shut for two more years if it means I can spend my twilight years in style.

Man, that’d be nice, just relaxing and gnawing all day on that giant bone. I’m sure I’d take an occasional break to bark at squirrels or freak out when the doorbell rings, but what I’d enjoy most is the peace of mind that comes from knowing that delicious bone is right there in front of me, no matter what.

Unfortunately, things aren’t that simple. The department is facing budget cuts, and in the next year or two, pensions could go on the chopping block. It might be smarter to take the smaller bone now and bury it out back next to the big elm tree—take it before the city screws me over with some drastically scaled-back biscuit-treat pension.

And then there’s the possibility they could eliminate my position entirely, letting me go before I earn the big bone. Then I’d be left chewing on the severance tennis ball. To hell with that!

Lastly, there’s the lethal risk involved in staying on the job. It’s a morbid thought, but I wouldn’t be the first dog who’s gone down in the line of duty trying to make it to that big pension bone.

Of course, I could always try semi-retirement. I know my way around the streets pretty well, so I could probably handle a part-time gig leading a blind guy around the city. I might even be able to get some freelance work in the domestic-security sector, sniffing baggage at the airport and whatnot. Those aren’t bad ways to supplement a pension: keep the Milk-Bones rolling in, maybe get a pig ear now and then for being a good boy.

So I have some options. What I’ve learned over time is that the key to a successful retirement is to plan strategically and not just sit around licking your balls all day, although there will always be a certain amount of that.

With any luck, there’s a chance I may yet avoid being put in a 6-by-6-foot kennel at a shelter where I spend my last months hoping someone will just come around and euthanize me already.