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If I Hold Out Another 2 Years, They’ll Give Me The Really Big Pension Bone

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

The Pros And Cons Of Body Cameras For Police

Following several high-profile civilian deaths at the hands of police officers, many Americans have called for the mandatory use of body cameras by law enforcement as a means of curbing the excessive use of force and providing clear accounts of officer...

Police Release Haircut-Progressed Photo Of Missing Woman

SYCAMORE, TX—Utilizing state-of-the-art imaging tools in an effort to spark renewed interest in the eight-month-old case, officials from the Sycamore Police Department released a haircut-progressed photo Wednesday showing how local woman Kelly Mance...

How Police Are Revamping Their Tactics

In the wake of widespread protests against police brutality and discrimination, law enforcement departments across the country are instituting new rules and policies to ensure safer practices.

Police Say Conditions Too Nippy To Rescue Missing Hiker

VAIL, CO—Noting that there was definitely a chill in the air, law enforcement officials confirmed Thursday that conditions were too nippy to continue search and rescue operations for Kyle Higgins, a 27-year-old hiker who has been missing for two day...

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sour...

The Pros And Cons Of Militarizing The Police

The ongoing clashes between residents of Ferguson, MO and heavily armed police forces—which are equipped with M16 rifles and armored vehicles—have drawn attention to the increasing militarization of police in the United States.
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If I Hold Out Another 2 Years, They’ll Give Me The Really Big Pension Bone

You know, I love the force, and I’m proud to have devoted myself to law enforcement these past five years. I’ve seen the city and met every kind of person you can meet. But lately, the gray fur’s been creeping in, and I find I get more and more winded chasing down those drug runners. It’s time I got serious about retirement planning—and, specifically, about choosing the pension bone that’s right for me.

The fact is, I could walk away right now, get a respectable pension bone, and feel great about it. On the other hand, if I stick it out for two more years, I’ll get the really big bone. I mean the one my buddy Jimbo retired with last year: a 2-foot-long piece of unbleached rawhide, stewed in beef broth, smoked to perfection, and pure heaven to tear your teeth into.

That’s the kind of bone you can chew on all day for years and still have something to leave to your pups.

I’m not a fancy dog or anything—I could most likely make do with the $10 Petco bone I’m in line for now. But then I look at what happened to my old partner Blackie. He took early retirement, and that cheap plastic bone they gave him was down to a nub in three months. I still remember the look in his eyes: This is the thanks I get? Six years of putting his life on the line for this damn city, and now he spends his days moping around the yard looking for decent-sized sticks to chew up.

Another buddy of mine retired on disability with a bad hip—his package was just a length of knotted rope, which is barely even fun, and then only when there’s someone around to tug on the other end. Well, I’m not going out like that. I’ll keep my nose down and my muzzle shut for two more years if it means I can spend my twilight years in style.

Man, that’d be nice, just relaxing and gnawing all day on that giant bone. I’m sure I’d take an occasional break to bark at squirrels or freak out when the doorbell rings, but what I’d enjoy most is the peace of mind that comes from knowing that delicious bone is right there in front of me, no matter what.

Unfortunately, things aren’t that simple. The department is facing budget cuts, and in the next year or two, pensions could go on the chopping block. It might be smarter to take the smaller bone now and bury it out back next to the big elm tree—take it before the city screws me over with some drastically scaled-back biscuit-treat pension.

And then there’s the possibility they could eliminate my position entirely, letting me go before I earn the big bone. Then I’d be left chewing on the severance tennis ball. To hell with that!

Lastly, there’s the lethal risk involved in staying on the job. It’s a morbid thought, but I wouldn’t be the first dog who’s gone down in the line of duty trying to make it to that big pension bone.

Of course, I could always try semi-retirement. I know my way around the streets pretty well, so I could probably handle a part-time gig leading a blind guy around the city. I might even be able to get some freelance work in the domestic-security sector, sniffing baggage at the airport and whatnot. Those aren’t bad ways to supplement a pension: keep the Milk-Bones rolling in, maybe get a pig ear now and then for being a good boy.

So I have some options. What I’ve learned over time is that the key to a successful retirement is to plan strategically and not just sit around licking your balls all day, although there will always be a certain amount of that.

With any luck, there’s a chance I may yet avoid being put in a 6-by-6-foot kennel at a shelter where I spend my last months hoping someone will just come around and euthanize me already.

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