If It's Any Consolation, Your Daughter Probably Died Almost Immediately Of Sheer Terror

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Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

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Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...

Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

They’re In A Fight Or Something

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend...
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If It's Any Consolation, Your Daughter Probably Died Almost Immediately Of Sheer Terror

Mr. and Mrs. Frauenfelder? Yes, hello. Thank you for coming down today. I'm Detective Cosloy, one of the eight men here in Tulsa who found the body. The three men in Fort Worth who found the balance of the remains have air-messaged them, so they should be here by this afternoon. I know how difficult this must be for you, and I want to assure you that the department will do all that it can to make this experience—I'm sorry, of course it's... Come this way, won't you? I don't want to draw this out, so if you'd care to identify the remains?

Yes, I'm terribly sorry. The facial structure was lost some due to repeated maceration with a hot iron, and the facial tissue has been... we're interrogating a butterfly-pinner employed at the university. You're certain this is Nan Frauenfelder? I'm so sorry for your loss. If it is any consolation, you should know that your daughter almost certainly died of excruciating terror well before this happened.

Mr. Frauenfelder, while nothing I can say could ever alleviate the grief that you and your wife must be experiencing, please know that we are reasonably sure the drugs your daughter's assailant administered intravenously would have numbed her to any pain the restraints might have caused. Try to take what comfort you can from that.

Oh yes, the restraints were quite... See the ligature marks on your daughter's wrists and ankles, and the two holes punched though each cheek with a leatherworking awl? That's where the restraining wires ran. But please, notice how clean those punctures are, Mrs. Frauenfelder. If Nan were conscious and aware of what was being done to her, she certainly would have struggled, causing tearing of the epidermis at the site of her facial puncture wounds. I can assure you that her heart gave out from panic before these wounds were delivered.

Here, Mr. Frauenfelder, my handkerchief. That's correct, the substance injected into your daughter's ocular ducts was a muscular paralytic as well as a powerful industrial solvent—see where she wept tears of rich arterial blood here?—but contrary to news reports, that wouldn't have kept her alive and cognizant. You see, sheer horror would have overridden the drug and sent her into a coma-like sleep long before rapid cardiac action sprayed her bloody tears 12 feet from the box spring on which she was bound. I assure you of that. You see, your daughter's pulse was well over 200 beats per minute when she began "weeping."

I think it's important that you know that the person who did this to your daughter was a real talker. It fits the sense of stagecraft involved in such dramatic and systematic torture. The relentless, sadistic, hypersexual monologue that probably accompanied your daughter's last moments of life would almost certainly have had a trance-inducing effect, allowing her to escape into a sort of mental cul-de-sac of excruciating fear. After all, we have samples of Nan's blood, taken from her remaining buttock, as well as from the ceiling, the meat hooks, the mirror fragments, the shark darts, and the dentist tools at the scene. The amount of adrenaline in those samples was high enough to burst a human heart in about four minutes. Mr. and Mrs. Frauenfelder, I do not fib when I tell you that overwhelming, soul-destroying fear rendered your daughter unconscious long before those microwave-oven parts bolted to her skull simmered her brain in its own fat.

Oh? Officer Mooney told you she must have been alive at least long enough to eat the half-pound of tissue we recovered from her stomach? Mrs. Frauenfelder, please believe me when I tell you that there was enough electricity coursing through your daughter's panic-riven body to cause a purely reflexive, biogalvanic chewing-and-swallowing action. Neither Nan, nor any 19-year-old girl, would ever have the wherewithal—no matter what the circumstance—to chew and swallow the flesh of her own fingers.

Mr. Frauenfelder, Mrs. Frauenfelder, I have daughters of my own. I can only imagine what you must be feeling. I realize there is nothing I can say to you at this time that will alleviate your loss, but please, do understand that, even if there were any residual brain activity at the moment Nan realized she was strapped to a meat slicer equipped with a high-powered gasoline engine, her actual personality would long have evaporated through the large, ulcerated burns creasing her cerebral cortex. Try to believe that, and take heart.

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