adBlockCheck

Business

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.
End Of Section
  • More News

If Only I Could Find A Lizard Offering A Low Car-Insurance Rate

I'm an experienced car owner. As such, I have what I consider an above-average knowledge of what constitutes a competitive rate for automotive insurance. The policy I have now is fair, but I could probably do better if I shopped around. Trouble is, I don't have time to page through the phone book or search for information online all day—I'm a busy professional. That's why I'm currently looking for a lizard who will explain the various policies to me and help me figure out which company has the best deal.

I feel no loyalty to my existing car-insurance provider. If a better offer were made to me by a lizard, I would have to consider it very seriously.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not interested in a lizard with a hard sales pitch. I don't want some slick, fast-talking lizard bullying me into a big commitment. I demand a refined lizard, one with class. He might even be British, or an American educated at British schools.

I don't think my request is unreasonable. When I first started thinking about switching car-insurance companies, I encountered a stoic elk who offered a full range of financial services. But an elk is just going to follow the herd. And he's warm-blooded, subject to sudden changes in climate. How do I know he's not going to migrate when the going gets tough?

I'm prepared to put my trust in a lizard. When I was young, I got my breakfast cereal on the advice of a tiger. When I made a tuna sandwich, I reached for the can endorsed by the tuna fish. There was a brief time when I got my tuna on the advice of a mermaid, until I came to the conclusion that mermaids don't exist. Later in life, a small immigrant dog advised me on matters pertaining to fast-food burritos. And today, my puffed cheese snacks come with the seal of approval of a cheetah.

I want to make it very clear that I am not interested in some kind of lizard snob. I won't lie to you: My driving record isn't perfect, and it's important to me that a lizard understand that, and not look down his nose at me just because I've been in an accident or two. I want a lizard I can relate to. One who, when he's not selling insurance, does puzzles, or goes for a drive in his convertible, or maybe just watches TV.

I've had mixed luck bowing to the wisdom of amphibians and reptiles in the past. I once switched brands of beer at the behest of a trio of frogs, who made a convincing argument that the beers the bear and the dog were offering didn't have the same rich flavor as theirs. They opened my eyes to the fact that the dog was more interested in partying than in beer itself. A couple of years after I made the switch, I lost confidence in the brand when lizards came by and complained about the frogs.

I'm not interested in a lizard's opinion about beer. That's ridiculous.

With car insurance, on the other hand, the safety of my family is on the line, so I need the counsel of a cold-blooded reptile, one who understands the hard realities of the insurance business. One who understands facts and figures and has sticky toes that are able to cling to almost any surface.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close