adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

If Only I'd Listened To Virtually Anyone

I can't believe I did it again. They tried to tell me—all of them did—but I didn't heed any of their warnings. Why do I have to be so stubborn? Why won't I just take every single person seriously?

My best friend, Sheila, she's been telling me that I should really start taking the advice of any of the practically hundreds of people who offer it to me on a weekly basis, but do I listen to her? Of course not.

So here I am, too ashamed to admit to each individual that I've ever encountered in my entire life that I was wrong.

See, I've somehow made a habit of turning a deaf ear to virtually everyone. Like the time I didn't listen to Bob, or Uncle Steve, or Grandpa, or Grandma, or Bob's wife. They had good advice, and I ignored it. All they wanted was to help. Them and Tom and Gloria and Roy and the guy at the donut shop and Huang and Colonel Davidson and the doctor on TV.

No matter how many times they all tell me, I keep going around thinking I'm some big shot who knows better than, almost to the number, every member of the human race. I just wish I'd paused a moment, taken a deep breath, and actually listened several thousand times to those around me! My coworker Neil, Barbara from Sacramento, those online survey results, my psychic, anyone.

I always do this to myself and those who live, work, or are casually associated with me!

If only I'd listened to my parents when I was young. Or a guidance counselor. Or the spelling team coach in seventh grade. Or that priest after my first marriage. Or to that one guy I met on the street, never learned the name of, and only spoke to for five minutes. All of those people had more common sense than I ever did.

And how many were there? Hundreds, perhaps thousands? Any sentient being within earshot could have told me my crazy schemes couldn't possibly work, would fail miserably, and would leave my life in total disarray.

But did I pay them any mind? Nope.

I didn't listen to Gail, or Becky, or Mr. Haverscham, or his lawyer, or the salesman at the used car lot who actually tried to stop me from buying that Corolla with 400,000 miles on it. I didn't listen to my accountant, my ob-gyn, or my anesthesiologist. I didn't listen to my college roommate, or the tour guide at the Lincoln Memorial, or the Secret Service agents.

Grrr! I never listen to everybody!

My earliest memories, from age 4, are of people trying to talk some sense into me, and me not paying any attention. Is it any wonder I fell down that well? Played tetherball with that downed power line? Did I take them seriously when they said there was no market for open-toed dress shoes for men? Or when the entire population of the United States agreed a nationwide pasta-burger franchise had no chance of succeeding? No, I didn't. And here I am today, totally out of luck with nothing but these stupid orange parachute pants and 1,400 chinchilla embryos to show for it.

Why didn't I listen to Jill? And then to Jill again, two months later? And then to Frank, Amanda, and that one gay couple whose names I always get confused? And then Jill again? Why do I always think I'm right all the time, when everyone—I mean everyone from Albert Einstein to the playground full of developmentally disabled children down the block—keeps trying to set me straight?

"No," said Greg, Cindy, Joe, and even some of the smarter dogs I've met. "That's just a bad idea all around, Simone! Don't do it!" And yet, what did I do? It. Ad infinitum.

I simply don't pay anyone or anything any mind: not the IRS, not the NRA, not any traffic cops, ever, not that supermarket checkout girl or the roomful of Chippendales dancers. Not the Bible, the Talmud, the Koran, or the Necronomicon. Not even that book of cartoon penguins I had when I was 8.

Why? Why does this keep happening to me? I'm such an idiot! Such a stupid idiot! And if you don't agree, keep it to yourself, because I honestly do not want to hear it right now.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close