If Only Someone Had Written A Song Describing The Bittersweet, Cyclical Nature Of The Father-Son Relationship

Top Headlines

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

How New Parents Can Stay Healthy

Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


If Only Someone Had Written A Song Describing The Bittersweet, Cyclical Nature Of The Father-Son Relationship

Over the years, music has covered a wide range of human emotions. But one aspect of the human condition that has never been evoked by a single musician is the complex relationship between father and son. I'm speaking specifically here about the strained bond that forms between the two when the father's neglect for his boy ultimately leads to the son's neglect for his father.

As a father with a particularly stressed relationship with his own son, I would have killed for a classic rock/easy listening tune on this subject to have existed around 1974—the year my son was born. A song that would have warned me that every moment with my son was precious, that time with him was fleeting, and that even though I always had planes to catch and bills to pay, my primary concern should have been providing my son with love and affection, not just food and shelter.

But that song didn't exist, so here we are.

If only someone had taken the time to write a song that, maybe, starts with a catchy guitar riff that both sets off the melancholy tone and foreshadows that the singer is about to take you on a journey through time, pinpointing specific moments in which he has neglected his son. I feel like I can almost hear it now, like a distant dream: the song's narrator bemoaning the many times he turned his son away, even though all the kid did was look up to him, until, in a powerful twist ending, the neglecter has become the neglected.

Christ, that would have been a very powerful song. I can't believe no one ever wrote it.

I know I'm not the only one who could have used a song like that. There are probably plenty of dads—and kids—who turn to the bar jukebox looking for a folksy, easy-to-sing tune that speaks to the fragile relationship of father and son. I can't tell you how many times I've beat my fists against a Best Music Of The '70s boxed set saying, "Why couldn't you contain a song with a straightforward narrative structure that describes my mournful parental situation and then, as a change-up for the chorus, maybe contains a mishmash of broken nursery rhymes to convey the detrimental effect I've had on my son's innocence? Why?"

That actually sounds like it would be pretty stupid, but I'm sure a competent musician could have come up with something better.

If a ballad like that had existed, maybe it would have hit the theme that a father's time with his son should never be taken for granted over and over and over again to the point where it would have stuck in my stupid, selfish head. I'm sure there are more than a few workaholic dads like me who wish they had had a song that hit that theme so hard it made listeners want to shout, "Just stop doing what you're doing for a minute and teach the kid how to throw a ball for Christ sakes."

Where were you, classic folk-rock hit about the tragic cycle of parenthood, when I needed you most?

Think of all the things a song like that could have warned me against: missing my son's first words, always putting off that "good time" we were supposed to have, the taste of my own medicine I got when he came home from college that first time and didn't have a moment for me. But I'm not asking for a song about my specific relationship. It could be the kind of thing where the father and son in the song serve more as archetypes—symbols, if you will—for all father-son relationships. The song could have used them as vehicles that would allow listeners to hook into the universality of the song's overarching message, which I imagine would have been something like, "Spend quality time with your son or he's going to grow up to not give a shit about you."

Look, I'm no musician. I know that.† But I am a father, a father who called his son just the other day and told his boy that he should come and visit because his father hasn't seen him in a while. Unfortunately, my son said he didn't have time because he just got this new job and has a family of his own to tend to. When I hung up the phone it immediately occurred to me that this was exactly what I would say when he was younger and wanted to spend time with me.

The boy turned out just like me. I'll repeat that because I want readers, and potential listeners, to feel like they were just punched in the stomach with a fistful of perfect narrative arch: The boy was just like me.

Something like that would have made one hell of a good song. What a waste.

Perhaps I'm still not articulating these feelings very well. But that's precisely why we all could have used a song to truly crystallize what I'm talking about—a song comprised of heart-wrenching, somewhat melodramatic lyrics that makes you hate yourself for tearing up when you hear them. You know, something singer-songwriter Harry Chapin would have put out in his prime.

Yeah, someone with a soft voice like Chapin's, who could have made listeners think, "There's a barrier between this father and son. On both sides of the barrier, there are affection and love, but in between are decades of unspoken apologies and misunderstandings that have only become stronger over time. But will love be able to conquer the barrier?"

The answer is no.

Because, in the end, this would have been a very depressing song. The sort of thing where the listener surmises that the two men will die never truly knowing each other. Boy, I sure could have used a song like that.

Damn it, Patrick, I'm sorry I was never around.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close