If Only There Were Some Way I Could Get Rid Of All This Spare Change

Top Headlines

Finance

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Budget Wedding Tips

With Americans still feeling the effects of the recession, many engaged couples are looking for ways to save money on their wedding by holding a smaller ceremony, hunting for deals, and more.

Commonly Overlooked Tax Credits

As Americans rush to fill out their tax forms before the April 15 deadline, many may not realize that they are eligible for multiple tax credits that would earn money back from the government.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.

Newlywed Couple Looks So Deeply In Debt

CHICAGO—Saying that you could tell by the way they stared into each other’s eyes, friends and family of newlywed couple Patrick and Heather Vaughn told reporters Friday that the bride and groom look so deeply in debt.

How Powerball Works

With no winner from the previous drawing, the jackpot for Wednesday’s Powerball lottery is expected to surpass $450 million, as gamblers around the nation buy more tickets in hopes of drawing the lucky numbers.

The Pros And Cons Of Free Community College

As part of an effort to make higher education accessible to all Americans, President Obama has proposed offering two free years of community college to qualified students, a plan critics say is too expensive and misses the mark on education reform.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Online Shopping vs. In-Store Shopping

While brick-and-mortar stores like Walmart and Target are advertising door-buster deals to get consumers in their aisles on Black Friday, many Americans are opting to take advantage of the ease and product variety of online shopping.

Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Saying the money would help further researchers’ understanding of the awesome scientific phenomenon, representatives for the American Institute of Physics announced Tuesday that they had received a $10 million grant to melt st...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

How Public Schools Spend Taxpayer Money

Public school districts in the United States receive billions of taxpayer dollars in state and federal funding every year to pay for teacher salaries, school bus transportation, building maintenance, counseling services, and more.

Bank Of America Introduces New $50 Underdraft Fee

CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying the penalty will cover the costs incurred by the financial institution whenever a customer makes a withdrawal that results in a positive account balance, Bank of America introduced a new $50 underdraft fee Tuesday on all checkin...

How To Protect Your Personal Information Online

Following the recent data breach at retail giant Target, which exposed credit card numbers and personal information of as many as 110 million people, many Americans have grown concerned about their safety and privacy online.

Report: Gap Wider Than Ever Between Ultra-Rich And Reality

PHILADELPHIA—A report released Wednesday by economists at the University of Pennsylvania confirmed that the already massive gap between the world’s ultra-rich and reality is now at historic levels and only continues growing wider each year.

'That Seems About Right,' Says Soon-To-Be-Audited Man

CAMDEN, MN—While filling out a 1040 form and other documents Tuesday in preparation for filing his 2012 federal tax returns, local man Robert Moran, a blog writer who will shortly be audited by the Internal Revenue Service, announced that his calcul...

New Visa Talking Credit Card Urges Buyers To Go For It

SAN FRANCISCO—Financial services giant Visa held a press event Tuesday to introduce "Visa Voice," a new line of talking credit cards that urges shoppers to just go ahead and buy it if that's what they really want. "Whenever ...

Nicolas Cage Broke

Owing $6.3 million in back taxes and facing financial ruin, Nicolas Cage, star of such hit films as Ghost Rider,...

Wachovia's Record Losses

Last week, Wachovia posted a quarterly loss of $23.9 billion, the largest ever for a bank. Where did it lose the money?

Swaggering Down 87%

NEW YORK—A wide-legged gait accompanied by an overconfident smile and a jauntily raised eyebrow may soon be a thing of the past due to recent economic turmoil.

Protecting Our Banks

The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, the body that insures bank deposits up to $100,000, has raised the number of "troubled banks" to...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

If Only There Were Some Way I Could Get Rid Of All This Spare Change

Man, my pockets are filling up with nickels, dimes and quarters. What am I supposed to do with all this stuff?

I try and try and try to get rid of it, but no matter what I do, I somehow always wind up with a bunch of unwanted coins.

Sure, I'll keep one quarter in case I need to make an emergency phone call, but as for the rest, what am I supposed to do with it? Take it out and look at it? I'm dying to just throw it away and be done with it, but that seems like such a waste. Metal is a non-renewable resource and all. No, I've got to think of something else to do with all this spare change.

I know: Maybe there's someone else who would want it. Nah, that's stupid. Why would anyone want my spare change? I mean, it's just my dirty old change, the excess coins I don't have any use for. If it had any use, it wouldn't be called spare change, would it?

It seems like a shame to throw it out, but I'm sick of looking at the surplus. Unless I find a person to give it all to, I'm just going to end up chucking it in the garbage can, guilt or no guilt. Or throw it in the alley behind my house and hope someone carries it away.

You know what this is like? It's like those spare rubber bands and paperclips that always clutter up desk drawers. Once in a while, someone will need one, but how often does that happen? Almost never. It's also like all those ketchup packets and napkins cluttering up my car's glove compartment. Every time I go through the McDonald's drive-thru, I get a bunch more. Sure, I'll need a napkin or some ketchup every once in a while, but what about all the extras?

This spare change is even more frustrating. You can't dip your fries in a nickel. And you can't wipe your face with a quarter, or use it to clean off the dash of your car. All they can do is take up space.

This glut of change is driving me insane! I'm this close to walking to the lake and throwing it in. Or burying it under the tree in my backyard. Or putting it all in a bag and dropping it in a ditch at the edge of town. Or I could let the change collect in the cushions of my couch, where at least it would be out of sight. But, no, I'd still know it was there.

Why can't someone help me? Why isn't there some sort of organization whose purpose is to address this problem? At this point, I'm so desperate, I'm seriously considering walking down the street and begging complete strangers to take it from me. I'll put it in a cup and say, "Spare change?" to every person who walks past until someone takes it from me. Sure, they'll all think I'm weird, but at least I'd finally be rid of all this annoying change.

Finance Video