adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

If Only There Were Some Way I Could Get Rid Of All This Spare Change

Man, my pockets are filling up with nickels, dimes and quarters. What am I supposed to do with all this stuff?

I try and try and try to get rid of it, but no matter what I do, I somehow always wind up with a bunch of unwanted coins.

Sure, I'll keep one quarter in case I need to make an emergency phone call, but as for the rest, what am I supposed to do with it? Take it out and look at it? I'm dying to just throw it away and be done with it, but that seems like such a waste. Metal is a non-renewable resource and all. No, I've got to think of something else to do with all this spare change.

I know: Maybe there's someone else who would want it. Nah, that's stupid. Why would anyone want my spare change? I mean, it's just my dirty old change, the excess coins I don't have any use for. If it had any use, it wouldn't be called spare change, would it?

It seems like a shame to throw it out, but I'm sick of looking at the surplus. Unless I find a person to give it all to, I'm just going to end up chucking it in the garbage can, guilt or no guilt. Or throw it in the alley behind my house and hope someone carries it away.

You know what this is like? It's like those spare rubber bands and paperclips that always clutter up desk drawers. Once in a while, someone will need one, but how often does that happen? Almost never. It's also like all those ketchup packets and napkins cluttering up my car's glove compartment. Every time I go through the McDonald's drive-thru, I get a bunch more. Sure, I'll need a napkin or some ketchup every once in a while, but what about all the extras?

This spare change is even more frustrating. You can't dip your fries in a nickel. And you can't wipe your face with a quarter, or use it to clean off the dash of your car. All they can do is take up space.

This glut of change is driving me insane! I'm this close to walking to the lake and throwing it in. Or burying it under the tree in my backyard. Or putting it all in a bag and dropping it in a ditch at the edge of town. Or I could let the change collect in the cushions of my couch, where at least it would be out of sight. But, no, I'd still know it was there.

Why can't someone help me? Why isn't there some sort of organization whose purpose is to address this problem? At this point, I'm so desperate, I'm seriously considering walking down the street and begging complete strangers to take it from me. I'll put it in a cup and say, "Spare change?" to every person who walks past until someone takes it from me. Sure, they'll all think I'm weird, but at least I'd finally be rid of all this annoying change.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close