If Only There Were Some Way I Could Get Rid Of All This Spare Change

In This Section

Vol 35 Issue 32

Study: 82 Percent Of Americans Want To Run Over Nathan Lane With A Tractor

PRINCETON, NJ—According to a Gallup poll released Monday, 82 percent of Americans describe themselves as "wanting very much" to run over Broadway and film star Nathan Lane with a tractor, with 60 percent of respondents preferring that a trailer loaded with pig iron be attached to the rear of the vehicle. "These figures reflect a 12 percent rise from last year," Gallup official Tom Ross said. "That's remarkable when one considers that Mr. Lane's cancelled NBC sitcom Encore! Encore! was on the air at that time." Of the dissenting 18 percent of respondents, 11 percent wanted to bind Lane's ankles with a cable attached to the Space Shuttle, and 7 percent wished to strap him to a stone slab and force him to watch The Birdcage for 800 hours on continuous loop.

Man Who Didn't Get Joke Acts Like He Did

LAS CRUCES, NM—Comprehension of a joke involving Jeffrey Dahmer and Lorena Bobbitt was unsuccessfully feigned Monday, when area resident George Browner, 31, laughed along with tablemates at the Steaks Alive! eatery in Las Cruces. "Whoa! There you go," said the confused Browner, offering an intentionally vague response to what he suspected may have been the joke's punchline. "You got that right." Browner added, "Well, she's sure crazy enough to do it," making his non-comprehension all the more obvious.

God Legally Changes Name To Jake Steele

CINCINNATI—In an unprecedented image makeover for the eternal deity, universal creator God legally changed His name to Jake Steele at the Cincinnati Municipal Courthouse Monday. "Let the word ring out across Heaven and Earth," said Steele after obtaining documentation of His new moniker. "I shall now be known as thy Creator, Jake Steele. And thou shalt have no other Jake Steeles before me." In the wake of the change, the Vatican has announced that the Lord's Prayer will now begin, "Our Father, Jake Steele, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy new name." The decision was reportedly prompted by the former Jesus Christ's changing of His own name to "Shane Chance Steele" in July.

Report: Some Americans May Not Work In Offices

EVANSTON, IL—Despite strong evidence to the contrary on television sitcoms and in USA Today, a Northwestern University report released Monday claims that some Americans do not work in office settings. "The non-office-employed worker, long thought to be a fanciful creation from the realm of business fiction, may actually exist and walk among us," said Tim Irving, professor at Northwestern's Kellogg Business School. "Many offices, for instance, receive materials from outside, such as mail and food. While these items are undoubtedly produced in other offices, the people who bring them from one office to another do not necessarily appear to have an office of their own." It has been further theorized that, given the existence of jobs outside offices, workers may exist who do not wear business suits.

Strapping Young Man To Address Congress

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress will receive a visit later this week from strapping young man Johnny Armstrong, Beltway sources reported Tuesday. The robust, corn-fed 20-year-old is expected to discuss numerous key issues and impress legislators with his sturdy frame and genial, easygoing manner. "What a fine young man," Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) said of the all-American boy with the winning grin. "Johnny Armstrong gives me hope for the future of this nation." "I don't know what he is going to speak about," Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV) said, "but what a charming, handsome young fellow--much better than the pale, uncharismatic sort we usually get around here."
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Late Night

If Only There Were Some Way I Could Get Rid Of All This Spare Change

Man, my pockets are filling up with nickels, dimes and quarters. What am I supposed to do with all this stuff?

I try and try and try to get rid of it, but no matter what I do, I somehow always wind up with a bunch of unwanted coins.

Sure, I'll keep one quarter in case I need to make an emergency phone call, but as for the rest, what am I supposed to do with it? Take it out and look at it? I'm dying to just throw it away and be done with it, but that seems like such a waste. Metal is a non-renewable resource and all. No, I've got to think of something else to do with all this spare change.

I know: Maybe there's someone else who would want it. Nah, that's stupid. Why would anyone want my spare change? I mean, it's just my dirty old change, the excess coins I don't have any use for. If it had any use, it wouldn't be called spare change, would it?

It seems like a shame to throw it out, but I'm sick of looking at the surplus. Unless I find a person to give it all to, I'm just going to end up chucking it in the garbage can, guilt or no guilt. Or throw it in the alley behind my house and hope someone carries it away.

You know what this is like? It's like those spare rubber bands and paperclips that always clutter up desk drawers. Once in a while, someone will need one, but how often does that happen? Almost never. It's also like all those ketchup packets and napkins cluttering up my car's glove compartment. Every time I go through the McDonald's drive-thru, I get a bunch more. Sure, I'll need a napkin or some ketchup every once in a while, but what about all the extras?

This spare change is even more frustrating. You can't dip your fries in a nickel. And you can't wipe your face with a quarter, or use it to clean off the dash of your car. All they can do is take up space.

This glut of change is driving me insane! I'm this close to walking to the lake and throwing it in. Or burying it under the tree in my backyard. Or putting it all in a bag and dropping it in a ditch at the edge of town. Or I could let the change collect in the cushions of my couch, where at least it would be out of sight. But, no, I'd still know it was there.

Why can't someone help me? Why isn't there some sort of organization whose purpose is to address this problem? At this point, I'm so desperate, I'm seriously considering walking down the street and begging complete strangers to take it from me. I'll put it in a cup and say, "Spare change?" to every person who walks past until someone takes it from me. Sure, they'll all think I'm weird, but at least I'd finally be rid of all this annoying change.

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More