adBlockCheck

If Someone Tried To Burn My Village, I'd Be Like, 'Fuck You'

Top Headlines

Recent News

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

If Someone Tried To Burn My Village, I'd Be Like, 'Fuck You'

I was reading some story the other day about this African guy whose village was burned to the ground, and it blew me away. I couldn't believe that some army could march into a town, terrorize everyone there, and destroy all their homes. It really got me thinking about how much better life is in America. We talk about how bad things are, but something like that would never happen in this country, at least not while I was around.

Because if they did show up here, I'd be all like, "Fuck you! Go burn down your own village, you dicks!"

Seriously, if anyone tried torching my village, I'd just go, "Dude, no. You got to take that shit somewhere else." That's the only way to do it. And then I'd just stare them down, 'cause no one likes to be stared at like that. They might look tough, but those kinds of guys always back down when you turn up the heat.

I mean, I'm not like that usually, but when it's step up or have your village burned down, you better know I'm going to step up. I don't care where it is. Darfur or wherever. That stuff just wouldn't happen on my watch. No way.

And Darfur is in Africa. So how big could that army have been? Like, probably five guys with old Russian rifles. Probably kids. I don't care how many of them there were, 'cause me and my buddies would totally be up in their faces before they even got close to a building. The moment one of them even took out a match to light a cigarette, I'd say, "Don't even think about it. I know what you're thinking, so don't."

Then I'd add something like, "Look at my face. You know I'm not kidding." 'Cause you gotta give them something to chew on when they leave.

The thing is, I wouldn't even let them get near my village. Because we'd already be keeping watch by the time they thought of it. And then as soon as some fucking army got even close to here, we'd head them off at the pass and be like, "Uh-uh. People live here. You feel me?" And they'd be like, "You think so, huh?" And I'd be all, "Man, I know so, so just back the fuck off." Then they'd be like, "What are you going to do about it?" And that's when I would throw a punch at one of them, but I'd pull it at the last minute, and they'd go, "C'mon, guys. Let's get out of here. This dude is loco."

Just threaten to put your hand to them. That's all. I can't believe not even one guy over in the Congo there stood up to those militia dudes. What sort of pussies let their town get burned down like that?

It's like the time that dude tried to crash our party with his loser friends. Me and my crew just took them aside and told them that we were trying to have a good time and if they didn't get lost, we were going to knock their dicks in the dirt. Didn't even have to do anything. Just the threat of it was enough to freak their shit out.

Same thing when that guy thought he could cut in front of me at the movie theater. Soon as he started, I was like, "Not even happening, pal," and I bumped up against him with my chest until he moved to the back. Show them who's boss and you won't have that problem again. It's all in the attitude. Doesn't matter if it's in a movie line or a whole village being set on fire.

You only have to do that shit once and they'll be telling all their friends "Don't even think about messing with that village. They got a guy there that will set you straight if you even try." Right there, it's over.

Of course, yeah, it might actually come to violence. But you gotta treat it like prison, you know, like what you're supposed to do when you go in. So when they show up wanting to burn down your village, you just pick the toughest guy and pick a fight with him. Even if you lose, you get everyone's respect. A tough rep like that would not only save the village, but would probably get you some ass as a result. You know that's right.

Burned down? Man, that's some bullshit.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close