If The Heat Doesn't Kill The Elderly, I Will

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

If The Heat Doesn't Kill The Elderly, I Will

It is now high summer, and the sun is broiling the American Southwest, sending temperatures soaring upwards of 110 degrees. The heat has struck hardest among the elderly, dozens of whom have died of heatstroke, heat exhaustion and dehydration. If you, like me, are a right-thinking person, your mind recoils in horror at this fact: The old and decrepit are dying by mere dozens?

Fifty years ago, a heat wave of this magnitude and duration would have claimed the lives of hundreds, perhaps thousands of shriveled-up old codgers. The streets would have been littered with their withered carcasses. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case. By providing today's elderly with unprecedented access to air conditioning and situating them in safe, supervised retirement communities, we have thrown Mother Nature's natural-selection process completely out of sync. And don't look for winter to solve the problem, either: Even more old people have heating than have air-conditioning, and more and more are getting it every day.

Like you, I had high hopes for this summer. Like you, I am deeply disappointed in the low death toll among the elderly. But I'm not just going to throw up my hands and accept the fact that grandmas and grandpas aren't bursting like popcorn from coast to coast. Just because global warming has failed to keep pace with the increase in this country's septuagenarian and octogenarian population doesn't mean I have to accept this ever-worsening coot surplus. If the heat doesn't kill the elderly, I will.

No society can survive for long unless patriots are willing to step forward and dedicate themselves to keeping its senior population in check. Unfortunately, like the milkman and the riverboat pilot, the profession of grayhead-knocker has fallen out of favor. But I am committed to reviving this once-noble calling. I will do whatever it takes to knock off the olds in the swiftest and most efficient manner possible, just like my father and my grandfather before him.

For the cost of expenses plus a modest cost-of-living stipend, I will use the computer database of the AARP, certain advanced logistical procedures adopted from the rendering-plant industry, and modern American riding-mower technology–the very best in the world–to make quick work of our country's problematic gray ghetto. My preliminary computer-modeling simulations have shown that this will be cheaper than an orbital solar-intensification magnifying glass or increasing the thermonuclear output of the sun itself.

Mother Nature has done what she can to curb the elderly population. It is now up to us to pick up the slack. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. My grandmother taught me that, God rest her soul.