adBlockCheck

If The Onion Is Not Awarded A Pulitzer Prize Within The Next Year, I Will Murder 50 People

Top Headlines

Recent News

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

If The Onion Is Not Awarded A Pulitzer Prize Within The Next Year, I Will Murder 50 People

Yes, readers, you have read the above headline correctly. This is no hoax. For too long, The Onion has been cruelly deprived of the Pulitzer Prize it so richly deserves, and now the thought of such an injustice being committed yet again fills me with a deep and insatiable thirst for violence. Which is why if The Onion is not awarded a Pulitzer Prize within the next calendar year, so help me God, I WILL SAVAGELY MURDER 50 INNOCENT SOULS, and the Pulitzer Board’s hands shall be soaked in blood instead of jammed down Arthur Sulzberger, Jr.’s underpants the way they usually are.

You think I’m bluffing? Ha! Try me, Pulitzer Board. Try me and see what carnage shall come of your pride and pigheadedness.

Here are the demands I’m making of the glad-handing swine who award the Pulitzers every year:

  • 1. Review all of the country’s journalistic content for the year, not just the obvious slop from the Los Angeles Times that you’re always gobbling up like fucking candy for some reason.
  • 2. Give special consideration and attention to the fine and unerringly perceptive work of The Onion, America’s Finest News Source, which has always and will always be the greatest news periodical in the history of human civilization. If you need some motivation while making your decision, try imagining the faces of 50 dead people before casting your votes.
  • 3. Award The Onion at least one Pulitzer Prize, preferably in the category of National, International, or Investigative Reporting, although one of the smaller ones like Feature Writing or even Editorial Cartooning would probably suffice. Or what about one of those Special Awards and Citations? That might be kind of cool.

Should the Pulitzer Board fail to meet these demands, I will have no choice but to unleash a torrent of bloody retribution that will shake this country to its very core. I shall slaughter young couples. Children. The elderly. Perhaps even precious Pulitzer favorite Nicholas Kristof, that smug prick. Jesus Christ, a couple of frilly words and a round-trip ticket to Sudan and suddenly they’re treating that guy like he’s H.L. fucking Mencken. Give me a break. You think Onion reporters don’t write better first drafts in their sleep than that witless putz?

Also, real quick before I move on, let me make it perfectly clear that I am not actually affiliated with The Onion newspaper in any way, shape, or form. This Op-Ed is only being published because I threatened to kill hundreds of The Onion’s readers if they didn’t print it—and, of course, they did, because they care so much about their readership. So please do not think that my words here represent the beliefs of The Onion or Zweibel Worldwide in any legal or contractual sense. I am speaking independently of my own accord as a madman. A madman who believes, quite justifiably, that The Onion should be officially recognized as an institution of journalistic excellence nonpareil. Just wanted to clear that up.

Members of the Pulitzer Board: Think of the lives that will be spared if you simply do what’s right and honor The Onion. I am talking to you, Nicholas Lemann, Kathleen Carroll, and Eugene Robinson. And to you as well, Lee Bollinger, Ann Marie Lipinski, and Joyce Dehli. Just know that the day the Pulitzer Prize winners are announced, I will have my rifle trained on an innocent civilian’s head 300 yards away, ready to pull the trigger should the results meet with my displeasure.

And to the police, who are surely reading this Op-Ed: Don’t bother trying to catch me. I’m too smart. Years of reading The Onion’s brilliantly informative and insightful reportage have made certain of that.

So choose wisely, Pulitzer Board. Until then, everybody please continue getting America’s best up-to-the-minute news coverage from The Onion, available in print or online at TheOnion.com. That is all.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close