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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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If Wanting To See Vaginas Is A Crime, Then I, Your Honor, Am Guilty

I stand before you today accused of wrongdoing, with my reputation called into question before the entire community. But in truth, I am no more guilty of a crime than any other man in this courtroom.

Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I say today on behalf of all mankind: If wanting to see vaginas is a crime, then I am guilty of that crime. And if going to great lengths to find unblinded windows or drill peepholes through which vaginas may be plainly observed elevates that crime from a misdemeanor to a multi-count felony, then I plead no contest.

But before you pass judgment on me, look into your own hearts. Is there a man among us, here in this hall of so-called "justice," that does not also desire to see vaginas? Does any one of you not admire their natural, flowerlike perfection, or not enjoy the sexual urges they conjure deep within your being?

Then why drag me into this august chamber and put my future in jeopardy for wanting nothing but the same? The only difference between us is that I acted upon the conviction of my beliefs, whereas you stood by and did nothing. And, in doing nothing, missed out on seeing a lot of amazing vaginas.

Is not the pursuit of happiness a fundamental right promised by our nation's own Declaration of Independence? Well, what could make any man happier than to see a myriad of young vaginas, in a group shower, lovingly hand-lathered to a state of moist, soapy perfection? Is that not what our founding fathers themselves envisioned so many years ago?

Yet here in this courtroom, we act as if the glory of the vagina is something to be hidden from public view. And in so doing, we veil the most rapturous wonder of creation under ignorance, repression, hosiery, and outerwear. Not unlike the conservative poly-knit skirt worn by the prosecuting attorney, who, I might add, is a very attractive woman.

Have we as a society really come to the point where it is a crime for a man in a ski mask and black coveralls to place a simple ladder against the side of a building and climb his way to a vantage point from which the glorious beauty of the nude vagina can be gazed upon with the rapt wonderment it deserves? Where the mere act of placing hidden cameras in a dorm lavatory is to be looked down upon in hypocritical shame? Where even something so innocent as the posting of live streaming feeds on the Internet—so that all men, regardless of race, creed, or color, may share in the beauty of these vaginas—is somehow considered "wrong"?

As long as we're at it, why don't we put every man who desires to see the vaginas of unknown women on some kind of national database and make him go door to door telling all of his neighbors, "I like vaginas! I like vaginas!"

As far as I am concerned, a world that denies a man's God-given right to stare directly at the genitalia of any woman he so desires is not a world worth living in. If you are going to sit there and tell me it is illegal in America to look at women in various states of undress, without their knowledge or consent, even when one is perfectly willing to expose his own genitals to the women in return, then go ahead and lock me up. I would rather spend my life in a holding cell for Stanton County's sexual offenders than go free in a world that would punish a man for the very act of being a man.

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