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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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If Wanting To See Vaginas Is A Crime, Then I, Your Honor, Am Guilty

I stand before you today accused of wrongdoing, with my reputation called into question before the entire community. But in truth, I am no more guilty of a crime than any other man in this courtroom.

Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I say today on behalf of all mankind: If wanting to see vaginas is a crime, then I am guilty of that crime. And if going to great lengths to find unblinded windows or drill peepholes through which vaginas may be plainly observed elevates that crime from a misdemeanor to a multi-count felony, then I plead no contest.

But before you pass judgment on me, look into your own hearts. Is there a man among us, here in this hall of so-called "justice," that does not also desire to see vaginas? Does any one of you not admire their natural, flowerlike perfection, or not enjoy the sexual urges they conjure deep within your being?

Then why drag me into this august chamber and put my future in jeopardy for wanting nothing but the same? The only difference between us is that I acted upon the conviction of my beliefs, whereas you stood by and did nothing. And, in doing nothing, missed out on seeing a lot of amazing vaginas.

Is not the pursuit of happiness a fundamental right promised by our nation's own Declaration of Independence? Well, what could make any man happier than to see a myriad of young vaginas, in a group shower, lovingly hand-lathered to a state of moist, soapy perfection? Is that not what our founding fathers themselves envisioned so many years ago?

Yet here in this courtroom, we act as if the glory of the vagina is something to be hidden from public view. And in so doing, we veil the most rapturous wonder of creation under ignorance, repression, hosiery, and outerwear. Not unlike the conservative poly-knit skirt worn by the prosecuting attorney, who, I might add, is a very attractive woman.

Have we as a society really come to the point where it is a crime for a man in a ski mask and black coveralls to place a simple ladder against the side of a building and climb his way to a vantage point from which the glorious beauty of the nude vagina can be gazed upon with the rapt wonderment it deserves? Where the mere act of placing hidden cameras in a dorm lavatory is to be looked down upon in hypocritical shame? Where even something so innocent as the posting of live streaming feeds on the Internet—so that all men, regardless of race, creed, or color, may share in the beauty of these vaginas—is somehow considered "wrong"?

As long as we're at it, why don't we put every man who desires to see the vaginas of unknown women on some kind of national database and make him go door to door telling all of his neighbors, "I like vaginas! I like vaginas!"

As far as I am concerned, a world that denies a man's God-given right to stare directly at the genitalia of any woman he so desires is not a world worth living in. If you are going to sit there and tell me it is illegal in America to look at women in various states of undress, without their knowledge or consent, even when one is perfectly willing to expose his own genitals to the women in return, then go ahead and lock me up. I would rather spend my life in a holding cell for Stanton County's sexual offenders than go free in a world that would punish a man for the very act of being a man.

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