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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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If You Ever Need Somebody To Stand Around And Not Contribute, You Know Where To Find Me

Look, we've been friends a long time, and this probably goes without saying, but I'm gonna say it anyway. I want you to know that anytime you really need my help—anytime at all—you can count on me to just sort of show up, hang out for a while, and not really do anything productive or supportive.

It's no skin off my nose to stand around and not pitch in at all.

We've been through so much together that I just…I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'll always be there—in the most literal sense of the word "there"—when something comes up that absolutely needs to get done. Say the word, and I will happily put in an appearance, making myself as useful as any other inanimate object in the room.

No need to thank me. When you have a pizza party and invite everyone over to help paint your living room, the only thanks I'll need is the opportunity to enjoy a few slices with my pals while I fail to contribute a single brushstroke and accidentally get wing sauce on a freshly painted wall.

I mean it, man. I love you like a brother I would never actually lift a finger for.

Of course, I'll do much more than simply get in everyone else's way while they're trying to help out. When you're moving, or installing laminate flooring, or putting together your kid's bike, besides just standing idly by, I'll be there to provide a constant stream of advice so inane and obvious you'll pull your hair out and grind your teeth down to nubs trying not to scream at me to shut the fuck up.

That's what friends like me are for.

I can honestly say there isn't a significant event in your life I wouldn't love to be present for, either to have no discernible impact upon it, or to somehow make it slightly worse.

Come what may, I'll do my damnedest not to help, primarily because you always buy beer. But there will be occasions when I won't be able to stick around the whole time being useless. In fact, there will be a lot of instances, especially those involving drywall, where I'll only be able to show up for the last 10 minutes, by which point there'll be nothing much left to do anyway. Except drink beer.

I hope you know that I'm always prepared to go above and beyond for you. When you truly need me most, old friend, that's when I'll stop puttering around, buckle down, and completely fuck up whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. You can depend on it.

I'm good for more than just avoiding the big physical tasks, you know. Remember when your mom got into that really bad car accident? And I met you at the hospital? And you cried and poured your heart out to me for like 15 minutes before I finally interrupted you and asked if the cafeteria was still open? I can do that any time.

And if, God forbid, something should ever happen to you, I vow to you right now that I'll be there for your family in their time of need, relaxing on the sofa, making perfunctory attempts at condolences, and adding a sense of painful awkwardness to their already unbearable grief.

In the end, brother, when they lay you to rest, I'll be right there alongside the pallbearers, telling those guys it looks like they have everything under control, so if it's all the same to them I'll just go ahead and take my seat.

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