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If You Ever Need Somebody To Stand Around And Not Contribute, You Know Where To Find Me

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Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
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If You Ever Need Somebody To Stand Around And Not Contribute, You Know Where To Find Me

Look, we've been friends a long time, and this probably goes without saying, but I'm gonna say it anyway. I want you to know that anytime you really need my help—anytime at all—you can count on me to just sort of show up, hang out for a while, and not really do anything productive or supportive.

It's no skin off my nose to stand around and not pitch in at all.

We've been through so much together that I just…I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'll always be there—in the most literal sense of the word "there"—when something comes up that absolutely needs to get done. Say the word, and I will happily put in an appearance, making myself as useful as any other inanimate object in the room.

No need to thank me. When you have a pizza party and invite everyone over to help paint your living room, the only thanks I'll need is the opportunity to enjoy a few slices with my pals while I fail to contribute a single brushstroke and accidentally get wing sauce on a freshly painted wall.

I mean it, man. I love you like a brother I would never actually lift a finger for.

Of course, I'll do much more than simply get in everyone else's way while they're trying to help out. When you're moving, or installing laminate flooring, or putting together your kid's bike, besides just standing idly by, I'll be there to provide a constant stream of advice so inane and obvious you'll pull your hair out and grind your teeth down to nubs trying not to scream at me to shut the fuck up.

That's what friends like me are for.

I can honestly say there isn't a significant event in your life I wouldn't love to be present for, either to have no discernible impact upon it, or to somehow make it slightly worse.

Come what may, I'll do my damnedest not to help, primarily because you always buy beer. But there will be occasions when I won't be able to stick around the whole time being useless. In fact, there will be a lot of instances, especially those involving drywall, where I'll only be able to show up for the last 10 minutes, by which point there'll be nothing much left to do anyway. Except drink beer.

I hope you know that I'm always prepared to go above and beyond for you. When you truly need me most, old friend, that's when I'll stop puttering around, buckle down, and completely fuck up whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. You can depend on it.

I'm good for more than just avoiding the big physical tasks, you know. Remember when your mom got into that really bad car accident? And I met you at the hospital? And you cried and poured your heart out to me for like 15 minutes before I finally interrupted you and asked if the cafeteria was still open? I can do that any time.

And if, God forbid, something should ever happen to you, I vow to you right now that I'll be there for your family in their time of need, relaxing on the sofa, making perfunctory attempts at condolences, and adding a sense of painful awkwardness to their already unbearable grief.

In the end, brother, when they lay you to rest, I'll be right there alongside the pallbearers, telling those guys it looks like they have everything under control, so if it's all the same to them I'll just go ahead and take my seat.

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