If You Ever Need Somebody To Stand Around And Not Contribute, You Know Where To Find Me

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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If You Ever Need Somebody To Stand Around And Not Contribute, You Know Where To Find Me

Look, we've been friends a long time, and this probably goes without saying, but I'm gonna say it anyway. I want you to know that anytime you really need my help—anytime at all—you can count on me to just sort of show up, hang out for a while, and not really do anything productive or supportive.

It's no skin off my nose to stand around and not pitch in at all.

We've been through so much together that I just…I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'll always be there—in the most literal sense of the word "there"—when something comes up that absolutely needs to get done. Say the word, and I will happily put in an appearance, making myself as useful as any other inanimate object in the room.

No need to thank me. When you have a pizza party and invite everyone over to help paint your living room, the only thanks I'll need is the opportunity to enjoy a few slices with my pals while I fail to contribute a single brushstroke and accidentally get wing sauce on a freshly painted wall.

I mean it, man. I love you like a brother I would never actually lift a finger for.

Of course, I'll do much more than simply get in everyone else's way while they're trying to help out. When you're moving, or installing laminate flooring, or putting together your kid's bike, besides just standing idly by, I'll be there to provide a constant stream of advice so inane and obvious you'll pull your hair out and grind your teeth down to nubs trying not to scream at me to shut the fuck up.

That's what friends like me are for.

I can honestly say there isn't a significant event in your life I wouldn't love to be present for, either to have no discernible impact upon it, or to somehow make it slightly worse.

Come what may, I'll do my damnedest not to help, primarily because you always buy beer. But there will be occasions when I won't be able to stick around the whole time being useless. In fact, there will be a lot of instances, especially those involving drywall, where I'll only be able to show up for the last 10 minutes, by which point there'll be nothing much left to do anyway. Except drink beer.

I hope you know that I'm always prepared to go above and beyond for you. When you truly need me most, old friend, that's when I'll stop puttering around, buckle down, and completely fuck up whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. You can depend on it.

I'm good for more than just avoiding the big physical tasks, you know. Remember when your mom got into that really bad car accident? And I met you at the hospital? And you cried and poured your heart out to me for like 15 minutes before I finally interrupted you and asked if the cafeteria was still open? I can do that any time.

And if, God forbid, something should ever happen to you, I vow to you right now that I'll be there for your family in their time of need, relaxing on the sofa, making perfunctory attempts at condolences, and adding a sense of painful awkwardness to their already unbearable grief.

In the end, brother, when they lay you to rest, I'll be right there alongside the pallbearers, telling those guys it looks like they have everything under control, so if it's all the same to them I'll just go ahead and take my seat.

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