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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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If You Think You Can Talk To Your Mother Like That, Then You’ve Paid Attention To The Way I’ve Subtly Degraded Her For Years

Listen up, young man, because I’m only going to say this once. You have been acting more and more disrespectful to your mother lately, and frankly, she’s at the end of her rope. Between snapping rude profanities at her to making ungrateful demands, you’ve treated her more like a servant than the woman who raised you. Your mother has noticed it, I’ve noticed it, and all I have to say is that if you think you can talk to your mother like that, then you’ve certainly paid very close attention to the subtle ways in which I’ve completely torn down her sense of self-worth for years.

Take this morning, for example. I was walking past your mother in the kitchen—making a passive-aggressive remark about the price of food as I always do, to indicate how much I resent her for not working—when I hear you demand that she make you pancakes. Demand it! You actually expected her to drop everything she was doing and slave over a griddle for you that very instant, as if she had nothing better to do!

Let me tell you, when I heard those words come out of my own son’s mouth, I couldn’t believe my ears. It was so obvious that you have no more respect for your own mother than I do, and that you’ve really picked up on some of the nuanced ways in which I make her feel like dog shit.

Honestly, nicely done.

I mean, who do you think you are talking to your mother like that, anyway? Do you think you’re someone who’s observed his father insult her intelligence for years, either by using condescending language, calling undue attention to minor mistakes and shortcomings, or habitually putting down her own interests and opinions? Do you think you have the right to make constant demands on her time without the least bit of thanks, as I’ve done literally thousands of times? Or maybe you think you’re better than her, just because she’s been beaten down too much to ever stand up for herself.

Honestly, who do you think are? A son I’m very proud of? A fucking master of humiliation and insults? Because I have to say, I think you’re both of those things. I really do, little buddy.

After all, this is your mother you’re talking to! What makes you think you can treat her this way? Is it watching me treating her exactly this way—if not much, much worse—for your entire childhood? Because that would make me so damned proud, son. So damned proud. To see my own flesh and blood talk to his mother the way you talk to yours, with so little regard for her feelings, and to see your mom come to me in tears because of the way you’ve made her feel like less of a human being, well, it just makes me want to hug you real hard and then go out and buy you something extra special that your mother has explicitly asked me not to buy you. I’ve got to say, you’re really coming along.

So I want you to think real long and hard about the way you’ve been acting. Do you understand me? I don’t want you to just shake this conversation off, because I’m being dead serious with you, young man. Do you want to be the kind of kid who corrects his own mother and makes her feel stupid? Do you want to be the kind of kid who, when his mother expresses interest in how things are going at school, completely ignores her, like she’s not worth answering? Do you want to be the kind of kid who leaves messes everywhere, expects his mother to clean them up, and then makes hurtful comments about how tired and out of shape she’s looked lately? Because if that’s the kind of kid you want to be, and you think you can get away with it, then go for it, dude. Show your mom who’s boss.

Say, where is that dummy, anyway? Come on, let’s go find her and hint at how she needs to lose some weight. I’ll let you take the reins.

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