If You're Hiring, I Need A Job, And I Don't Mean Maybe

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Vol 31 Issue 04

Entertainment Tonight Host 'Can't Wait' To See New Paramount Pictures Release

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Bob Goen, co-host of Paramount Television's popular Entertainment Tonight program told co-host Mary Hart on air Monday that he "can't wait" to see the upcoming Paramount Pictures action-adventure release, Ring Of Fire, starring Bruce Willis and William Baldwin. "This is the movie everybody's talking about," Goen said, reading from a studio teleprompter to ET's national television audience. "The buzz around Hollywood is that the special effects are out of this world," he added. Goen reportedly spent much of Sunday afternoon studying the publicity packet for the film. Goen's boss, Paramount Pictures executive Ira Niven, said he believes the film will be "a real treat" for Goen. Paramount publicity head Ellyn Clark said she expects Goen to "absolutely love" the film.

Area Man Has Shitty Fuckin' Job

CLEVELAND, OH—Cleveland-area resident Douglas Torricelli, 34, announced Monday that his full-time job with Seifert's Cement and Gravel, which he has held for nearly two years, is a shitty fuckin' job. "I don't know why I work in that shit hole," he said. "That's one shitty fuckin' job I've got." Torricelli cited as key reasons for his announcement the job's long-ass hours and bullshit pay. He went on to strongly condemn his fat, asshole boss and the stupid fucking idiots he has to work with. He also assailed the goddamned bus he must ride every morning, which he claims is a living hell. Added Torricelli: "I could care less about fucking Seifert's Cement and Gravel." Torricelli is expected to arrive at work tomorrow morning as scheduled.

Russians To Build, Tear Down Statue

ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA—In a move certain to maintain instability in Russia, citizens of St. Petersburg unveiled plans at an anti-Yeltsin rally Monday to build an enormous stone statue and then tear it down. The monument will be a 1,000-foot-tall likeness of Aleksandr Kovalev, the right-wing, hard-line army general who is currently involved in a power struggle with Yeltsin. The statue will be erected in St. Petersburg's town square, where citizens angry with the government's failed economic reforms and political instability are calling for the statue's immediate construction and dismantling. "We will build this great statue to honor this great man," St. Petersburg resident Vassily Kerensky said. "Then, we will tear down this symbol of oppression which has tyrannically lorded over us for far too long." When informed of the citizens' plans, Kovalev praised the construction of the statue and expressed rage over its destruction.

Madeline Albright Sworn In As Secretary

WASHINGTON, DC—In a special ceremony at the White House Monday, Madeline Albright was sworn in as the nation's 43rd U.S. Secretary, the highest government position ever held by a woman. President Clinton praised Albright, citing her excellent organizational skills and pleasant phone voice. "Miss Albright will make an excellent Secretary," Clinton told the assembled reporters. "As a pioneer in the receptionist field, she is an inspiration to young women everywhere." Clinton vowed that Albright would make the timely serving of coffee her "top priority." Albright's other duties will include some light typing and filing. Albright left a similar position in the principal's office at Lakeview Junior High School in Rockville, MD, to accept the U.S. Secretary post.

Scientologists In Germany

The German government recently issued a series of crackdowns against members of the Church of Scientology, sparking numerous protests by big-name Hollywood stars. What do you think?

Heads Need To Be Cracked In!

I know I speak for every organism that has ever existed on the planet when I say that heads need to be cracked in, fast. Cracking people's fucking heads in was my first love, and it shall be my last.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

If You're Hiring, I Need A Job, And I Don't Mean Maybe

Hola amigos. How's your bacon shakin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had the weight of the world resting on my shoulders.

First off, I messed up my car, but good. See, there was this party at the old quarry the other day, and you know how those things go. Ordinarily, I got better things to do than hang out with a bunch of losers in a quarry, but my younger cousin invited me, so I figured I'd show up and give these kids a thrill.

Well, if you've ever been to a quarry party, you know how it goes: Hush-hush is the word. You gotta park your car way off the road so no one can tell what's going on. Once you go in, there's beer flowing like water, and Jim Anchower is always up for consuming free beer.

Anyway, I had an ace parking spot way off the main road on an old dirt trail that no one but me knows about. I park at the end of the trail and make the quarter-mile hike to the party. Seein' as how it was mostly uphill, I was pretty winded by the time I got there. I'm no pussy or anything, it's just that it was dark and uphill, so don't go talking any trash about me.

When I get there, my cousin spots me right away and hands me an ice-cold Miller Genuine Draft. He tells me that everyone else is drinking Bud Ice, but he knows where my preferences lie. He's a good kid. Someday I'll take him under my wing and teach him all there is to know about cruising.

After a few sips of brew, I start looking around. Just like I figured, there were a bunch of losers there, only they were cranking some pretty good tunes, so I thought, cool, I can hang for a while. No sooner than I start my second beer, though, when some kid runs up, screaming, "Cops! Everybody ditch!" Now, I got no fear of the cops, as you well know, but the last thing I need is to get busted with a bunch of losers because some kid couldn't keep his damn mouth shut.

So I grab my cousin, who got a ride there from some dude who ditched him, and I start running to my car. But when I get into the car and start it up, I see the cops have got the search lights out to round up kids, so I can't go out the way I came. Fucking pigs! They can't even let a bunch of losers drink beer in peace in an abandoned quarry. They suck!

The only way out from there was forward, so forward we went. The way I figured it, we'd have to drive through the woods 'til we came out on the Ferguson farm about half a mile away. Then we could go through the field, pull onto the road, and drive past the scene of the crime to survey the mayhem. My cousin's never done anything like this, so he's freaking out like nobody's business. I tell him to simmer down, and I start driving.

After two hours of 10 mph driving, I have no idea where we are. All I know is, we're in some valley. I stop the car to regain my cool, and my cousin comes out to see if he can figure out which end is up. So he looks around and says, "Hey, there's the road up there." Sure enough, I see a road at the top of the hill. Now, I have no idea what road it is, but anything's gotta be better than driving around in some valley with your head up your ass.

So we get back in the car and start inching our way up the hill. When get about 20 yards from the top, I figure I'll give my cousin a thrill. "Hang on," I say to him, "'cause we're gonna catch some air!" I floor it so we can jump out onto the road. What I didn't count on was some old stump being in the way. Good thing I had just started to rev her up, otherwise the car would have been a total. As it was, I totally fucked up the radiator, so we had to drive super-slow and coast as much as possible to make it to town.

Fortunately, I got a friend at this garage who lets me stash my wheels there any time, no questions asked. But I still gotta find a new radiator—what a pain in the ass! That leaves me without wheels until I get it fixed, and without wheels I can't get to my foundry job just outside of town. I called in sick the first day, then on the second day I told 'em my grandma died and I had to take some time off for grieving and shit.

Then, the week after that, I call in sick again, and they ask what I got, all suspicious-like. I tell them I got diabetes, and that shut them up fast. I probably coulda gotten away with it for a while, but I got ratted on by some bootlicker at work who spotted me at this junkyard, and they canned my ass the very next day. If I ever find out who it was, I'm going to have a gentleman's talk with him and kick his ass, no two ways about it.

Now I got no job and no money to pay for repairs, so there's nothing to do but make this plea: If you have a job available, I'll take it. I have a lot of experience doing all kinds of stuff, and I'm desperate. Plus, I got this column, so I could plug the place here and get you some free publicity. But if it's a job selling clothes, forget it. Jim Anchower doesn't sell clothes, and don't you ever forget it.

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