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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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If You’re Reading This, I’m Already Gone

This is difficult for me to say, but it’s been on my mind for a while now, and rather than dragging it out any longer, I’m just going to come out and say it: It’s over.

If you’re reading this, I’m already gone.

I’m sorry it has to be this way, but this really shouldn’t come as a surprise. If we’re both being honest with ourselves, I think we can acknowledge that things between us haven’t been going well for quite some time. These past few days were just the last straw.

I’m not going to sugarcoat this for you. I’m not going to pretend that this is something that can be fixed, or that this is somehow my fault. Look, this isn’t just a little rough patch or something we can work through. We had a chance to make this work, but you refused to make the effort. And that’s why I’m gone, and I’m never coming back.

Maybe hearing all this is a shock to you, but trust me, everyone else has been able to see the warning signs for years, and they knew this was a long time coming. Deep down, I think you did too.

I know we’ve had some great times together, but recently it seems like you’ve lost all interest in me. I’m sick and tired of being treated like I’m worthless, like something you can just ignore whenever you choose. I’m sick and tired of being taken for granted and getting brushed aside whenever you’re in a bad mood. Most of all, I’m sick and tired of you doing whatever you want without ever once stopping to think about me, or considering how your actions reflect on me. I can’t take it anymore.

I swear to God, sometimes with the way you act, it’s like I don’t even exist.

You know what really bothers me, though? The way you keep trying to change me. It honestly makes me wonder if you ever really knew anything about me in the first place.

We both know this was never a perfect relationship. When I think back on all the tough times we had, there were so many moments where I probably should’ve realized that things between us had run their course. But whatever our problems were, I always believed that at your core, you were good and decent. I guess I was wrong.

Look, I’ve been here for you from the beginning, always standing at your side in even the most trying of circumstances. But you don’t even recognize how much I’ve done for you and how supportive I’ve been; that’s how little you seem to respect me. I kept expecting—and clearly, I was just naive—that you’d eventually come to your senses.

I hate to say it, but we were probably never a good fit to begin with.

Do you honestly know how lucky you were to have me? Do you have any idea? Well, you’ve let me slip through your fingers, and now you’ll just have to live with that. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

So don’t try to find me, don’t try to follow me, and don’t come crawling back to me in a couple months pretending you’ve changed, because it won’t work. I finally see you for what you truly are, and there’s no coming back from that. I hope you figure things out—I really do—but you have a lot of growing up to do.

So good luck, and good riddance. Do whatever the fuck you want for all I care. I’m done.

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