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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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I'll Be Able To Get This Big Pot Of Chili Over To My Friend's House A Lot Quicker If I Put On My Roller Skates

Done! A heaping, hearty 10-gallon pot of Rudy's Famous Five-Alarm Chili, simmered to perfection and all ready for the big party over at my friend Evan's house. Now, how do I get this delicious, spicy stew over there while it's still piping hot? I guess I could walk, but jeepers, I'm already pretty late as it is.

Wait, of course! My roller skates!

Man, why didn't I think of tossing on my roller skates before? I'll get there in no time, with no foreseeable problems whatsoever! And to be honest with you, I've put on a lot of weight lately, so I could really use the exercise. In fact, I'd have to say I'm just a 6-foot-9, roly-poly tub of jelly! Ha! But nothing takes the pounds off like barreling through busy city streets on my roller skates at breakneck speed with a giant, scalding-hot crock of chili.

Now, let me think, what's the fastest way to get to Evan's? It's down a really steep hill pretty much the whole way, so that'll save some time. Of course, I should probably cut through the back lot of the old ball bearing factory after I take that hairpin turn where all of those bottles of olive oil fell off a truck this morning. After that, it's just a quick detour through the indoor ice-skating rink and the park where those kids are always shooting marbles, past Mrs. Finestra's banana peel compost heap, straight through the outdoor antique china market, and then I'm home free!

Okay, I just have to get dressed real quick, and I'll be out the door, gliding effortlessly over to Evan's in no time, gingerly holding gallons and gallons of boiling chili in my sweaty, oddly undersized hands. Oh, nuts! The only clean clothes I have left are a pair of Speedos and my neon-yellow mesh tank top! Oh, well, they'll just have to do, I guess. Boy, it's pretty bright out there, so I think I'll put on my big sun-visor with the embroidered daffodils, too.

And I'll grab this giant rainbow-colored pinwheel, just for fun.

Geez, I don't even think I have time to comb out my bright red, chest-length beard. Well, I can't worry about that now. I'm sure it will get air-fluffed on my way over there, anyway, considering how fast I'll be going. I just hope it doesn't fly up in my face! Because I'll be on roller skates carrying an enormous volume of 210-degree chili!

Obviously, there's no real concern that anything will go awry on my way to Evan's, but I should take a minute to make sure all my ducks are in a row before I rush out of the house on my bright-white, unlaced roller skates holding this humongous, overflowing pot of chili. Have I taken my medicine for my debilitating inner-ear infection? Check. Am I wearing my eye-patch for my scratched cornea? Check. Do I have my iPod and portable speakers playing "The Good Ship Lollipop" on loop tucked into my Speedo? Double check!

I'm still a bit tipsy after that bottle of wine, but I think that's everything. A little low-viscosity machine oil for the ol' skate bearings, and look out Evan, here comes Big Rudy with the chili!

Oh, wait! I just remembered Evan said that when he wakes up from the anesthesia after having his wisdom teeth pulled and picks up a pink, seven-tiered ice cream cake, he'll swing by on his old tandem bicycle with the messed up brakes and grab me and my huge, extremely hot pot of chili!

Never mind!

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