I'll Be Able To Get This Big Pot Of Chili Over To My Friend's House A Lot Quicker If I Put On My Roller Skates

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Vol 46 Issue 11

NHL Holds Fan Attendance Night

NEW YORK—In a promotion aimed at encouraging people who like hockey to come and watch teams play the sport, the NHL held its first-ever Fan Attendance Night on Tuesday.

Newest Bronco Brady Quinn: 'The Brody Qualls Era Has Begun'

DENVER—In the first of what is expected to be a long series of gaffes with his new team, quarterback Brady Quinn bungled a statement to Broncos coaches, players, and fans Tuesday by mistakenly declaring that the Brody Qualls era had begun in Denver.

Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels...

BELMONT, NH—"It's not anybody’s fault, honestly," said 28-year-old Megan Slota, standing in her kitchen and holding a mug of tea with both hands. "Sometimes I just get like this where it's like I'm not, I guess, whatever. We don’t have to get into it right now."

Entire Nation Picks Same Bracket

WASHINGTON—Citizens across the United States have selected the exact same teams to win every single game of the NCAA Tournament, handing in millions of completely identical brackets, college-basketball-pool organizers reported Thursday.

Merlin Olsen

As a defensive lineman, the late Merlin Olsen was a 14-time Pro Bowler; as an actor, he starred in Father Murphy. Was he any good?
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I'll Be Able To Get This Big Pot Of Chili Over To My Friend's House A Lot Quicker If I Put On My Roller Skates

Done! A heaping, hearty 10-gallon pot of Rudy's Famous Five-Alarm Chili, simmered to perfection and all ready for the big party over at my friend Evan's house. Now, how do I get this delicious, spicy stew over there while it's still piping hot? I guess I could walk, but jeepers, I'm already pretty late as it is.

Wait, of course! My roller skates!

Man, why didn't I think of tossing on my roller skates before? I'll get there in no time, with no foreseeable problems whatsoever! And to be honest with you, I've put on a lot of weight lately, so I could really use the exercise. In fact, I'd have to say I'm just a 6-foot-9, roly-poly tub of jelly! Ha! But nothing takes the pounds off like barreling through busy city streets on my roller skates at breakneck speed with a giant, scalding-hot crock of chili.

Now, let me think, what's the fastest way to get to Evan's? It's down a really steep hill pretty much the whole way, so that'll save some time. Of course, I should probably cut through the back lot of the old ball bearing factory after I take that hairpin turn where all of those bottles of olive oil fell off a truck this morning. After that, it's just a quick detour through the indoor ice-skating rink and the park where those kids are always shooting marbles, past Mrs. Finestra's banana peel compost heap, straight through the outdoor antique china market, and then I'm home free!

Okay, I just have to get dressed real quick, and I'll be out the door, gliding effortlessly over to Evan's in no time, gingerly holding gallons and gallons of boiling chili in my sweaty, oddly undersized hands. Oh, nuts! The only clean clothes I have left are a pair of Speedos and my neon-yellow mesh tank top! Oh, well, they'll just have to do, I guess. Boy, it's pretty bright out there, so I think I'll put on my big sun-visor with the embroidered daffodils, too.

And I'll grab this giant rainbow-colored pinwheel, just for fun.

Geez, I don't even think I have time to comb out my bright red, chest-length beard. Well, I can't worry about that now. I'm sure it will get air-fluffed on my way over there, anyway, considering how fast I'll be going. I just hope it doesn't fly up in my face! Because I'll be on roller skates carrying an enormous volume of 210-degree chili!

Obviously, there's no real concern that anything will go awry on my way to Evan's, but I should take a minute to make sure all my ducks are in a row before I rush out of the house on my bright-white, unlaced roller skates holding this humongous, overflowing pot of chili. Have I taken my medicine for my debilitating inner-ear infection? Check. Am I wearing my eye-patch for my scratched cornea? Check. Do I have my iPod and portable speakers playing "The Good Ship Lollipop" on loop tucked into my Speedo? Double check!

I'm still a bit tipsy after that bottle of wine, but I think that's everything. A little low-viscosity machine oil for the ol' skate bearings, and look out Evan, here comes Big Rudy with the chili!

Oh, wait! I just remembered Evan said that when he wakes up from the anesthesia after having his wisdom teeth pulled and picks up a pink, seven-tiered ice cream cake, he'll swing by on his old tandem bicycle with the messed up brakes and grab me and my huge, extremely hot pot of chili!

Never mind!

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