I'll Be Able To Get This Big Pot Of Chili Over To My Friend's House A Lot Quicker If I Put On My Roller Skates

Top Headlines

Recent News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

I'll Be Able To Get This Big Pot Of Chili Over To My Friend's House A Lot Quicker If I Put On My Roller Skates

Done! A heaping, hearty 10-gallon pot of Rudy's Famous Five-Alarm Chili, simmered to perfection and all ready for the big party over at my friend Evan's house. Now, how do I get this delicious, spicy stew over there while it's still piping hot? I guess I could walk, but jeepers, I'm already pretty late as it is.

Wait, of course! My roller skates!

Man, why didn't I think of tossing on my roller skates before? I'll get there in no time, with no foreseeable problems whatsoever! And to be honest with you, I've put on a lot of weight lately, so I could really use the exercise. In fact, I'd have to say I'm just a 6-foot-9, roly-poly tub of jelly! Ha! But nothing takes the pounds off like barreling through busy city streets on my roller skates at breakneck speed with a giant, scalding-hot crock of chili.

Now, let me think, what's the fastest way to get to Evan's? It's down a really steep hill pretty much the whole way, so that'll save some time. Of course, I should probably cut through the back lot of the old ball bearing factory after I take that hairpin turn where all of those bottles of olive oil fell off a truck this morning. After that, it's just a quick detour through the indoor ice-skating rink and the park where those kids are always shooting marbles, past Mrs. Finestra's banana peel compost heap, straight through the outdoor antique china market, and then I'm home free!

Okay, I just have to get dressed real quick, and I'll be out the door, gliding effortlessly over to Evan's in no time, gingerly holding gallons and gallons of boiling chili in my sweaty, oddly undersized hands. Oh, nuts! The only clean clothes I have left are a pair of Speedos and my neon-yellow mesh tank top! Oh, well, they'll just have to do, I guess. Boy, it's pretty bright out there, so I think I'll put on my big sun-visor with the embroidered daffodils, too.

And I'll grab this giant rainbow-colored pinwheel, just for fun.

Geez, I don't even think I have time to comb out my bright red, chest-length beard. Well, I can't worry about that now. I'm sure it will get air-fluffed on my way over there, anyway, considering how fast I'll be going. I just hope it doesn't fly up in my face! Because I'll be on roller skates carrying an enormous volume of 210-degree chili!

Obviously, there's no real concern that anything will go awry on my way to Evan's, but I should take a minute to make sure all my ducks are in a row before I rush out of the house on my bright-white, unlaced roller skates holding this humongous, overflowing pot of chili. Have I taken my medicine for my debilitating inner-ear infection? Check. Am I wearing my eye-patch for my scratched cornea? Check. Do I have my iPod and portable speakers playing "The Good Ship Lollipop" on loop tucked into my Speedo? Double check!

I'm still a bit tipsy after that bottle of wine, but I think that's everything. A little low-viscosity machine oil for the ol' skate bearings, and look out Evan, here comes Big Rudy with the chili!

Oh, wait! I just remembered Evan said that when he wakes up from the anesthesia after having his wisdom teeth pulled and picks up a pink, seven-tiered ice cream cake, he'll swing by on his old tandem bicycle with the messed up brakes and grab me and my huge, extremely hot pot of chili!

Never mind!

Next Story