I'll Have You Know I Have Several Black Friendsters

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

National Dialogue Dusted Off

WASHINGTON—Following news of a racially motivated shooting massacre in South Carolina that left nine churchgoers dead Wednesday night, the country figured it was once again time to dust off the national dialogue, sources confirmed.

Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing

EVANSTON, IL—In the wake of a controversial video depicting two individuals in the fraternity’s University of Oklahoma chapter leading a racist chant, Sigma Alpha Epsilon officials instituted a new national policy Wednesday requiring all membe...

Media Stumped On How To Handle Missing Mixed-Race Woman

WASHINGTON—Struggling to find an appropriate response to a delicate situation, members of the American news media admitted Tuesday that they remained stumped on how exactly to handle the case of missing mixed-race woman Alison Johnston.

Tips For Being An Unarmed Black Teen

With riots raging in Ferguson, MO following the shooting death by police of an unarmed African-American youth, the nation has turned its eyes toward social injustice and the continuing crisis of race relations.

White Male Privilege Squandered On Job At Best Buy

HAMILTON, OH—Despite being the beneficiary of numerous societal advantages and having faced little to no major adversity throughout his life, local man Travis Benton has spent the last four years squandering his white male privilege on a sales floor...

Zimmerman Found Not Guilty, Technically, But C’mon

SANFORD, FL—More than 16 months after he fatally shot 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in an altercation at a Florida condominium development, neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman was found, technically speaking, not guilty of murder Saturday, bu...

Romney Receives 20-Minute Standing Ovation At NAAWP Event

HOUSTON—During an address Wednesday to the National Association for the Advancement of White People, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney received a lengthy standing ovation from the group of 2,000 Caucasians who had gathered to hear him sp...

Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year

Number Astronomically High For Harmonious,  Postracial 21st-Century America, Researchers Say

NEW YORK—A shocking study released Thursday by sociologists at Columbia University found that more than 12 instances of racism occurred in 2011, suggesting not only that prejudice based on the color of one's skin still exists, but that it remains di...

I'm Totally Dating A Black Chick

Hola, amigos. What up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things got crazy, if you know what I mean. I got sacked from my job...

June 13, 1967

National Guard Mobilized For Integration of Negro Into Supreme Court

June 13, 1967

National Guard Mobilized For Integration Of Negro Into Supreme Court

I Can't Stand It When Jews Talk During Movies

Do you have a pet peeve—some little thing that drives you completely bonkers? For certain people, it's the sound of a Jewish person dragging her fingernails across a chalkboard. For others, it's when Jews don't signal before making a turn. Me? I can't stand it when Jews talk during movies!

Study: Reality TV, Reality Unfair To Blacks

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Monday by the Center for Media and Social Research, the reality-TV genre is unfairly biased against black people. The study revealed that reality is unfair to blacks, as well.

Oscar Host Chris Rock

Chris Rock will host this year's Academy Awards. What suggestions did event organizers have for the comedian?

HMO Targets Blacks With 'Rapping Good' Health Campaign

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Advertising executives say they have hit upon an ingenious new way to target blacks: Mount a campaign that co-opts their own language and musical style. "Many blacks enjoy 'rapping' music," said Briggs & Adams Advertising president Sherman Roe, who developed the campaign for HospCare HMO. "And what better way to tap into their market than by 'rapping' good health to them?" Roe's campaign employs the use of a black teenager doing a "rap" for good health. Billboards of the campaign have been put up in black neighborhoods, and radio and TV ads have aired on black-oriented stations in the area. Roe predicts area blacks will, as a result, be "'rapping' happy with their HMO service."

Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr.

Washington "completely ripped off" his personal mantra from civil-rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. "Ron's always saying how if someone doesn't have a cause worth dying for, then that person's life isn't worth living," Duncan said Monday. "Nice try, Ron, but you can't fool me. You totally stole that whole idea from Dr. King." Duncan said he hopes King's estate "nails Ron's ass for plagiarism."

Zambia Elects Black President

LUSAKA, ZAMBIA—In a historic triumph for Zambia's African-African community, Bilikisu Adewale, a 49-year-old black man, was elected president Monday.

Anti-Racism Laws Mutate Racism Into Newer, Stronger Form

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the Center For The Study Of Human-Morality-Legislation Attempts, the passage of anti-racism laws in recent decades may have caused racism to mutate into newer, stronger forms, undermining federal efforts to control the spread of the disease by spawning new strains of "super-racism" impervious to traditional treatment methods.

East St. Louis Rated 'Number One City In America' By Poverty Magazine

EAST ST. LOUIS, IL—The December issue of Poverty magazine, featuring its annual "Top American Cities" poll, hit newsstands Monday, and for the second year in a row, East St. Louis topped the list. "East St. Louis dominated our poll yet again in 2004, topping such categories as unemployment, hubcap availability, and liquor-stores-per-capita," Poverty editor Felicia Banks said. "The city's educational system also rated high, boasting a student-gun ratio of 1:1." Rounding out the top five, in descending order, were Flint, MI; Newark, NJ; Compton, CA; and Gary, IN.

Recently Mugged Friend A Racist All Of A Sudden

CHICAGO—Ever since being mugged by a black man, 28-year-old Caucasian Mark Weisner has become a racist, friends reported Monday. "I used to be more trusting, but I learned my lesson the hard way in October," Weisner said, alluding to the mugging. "Now I'm a lot more cautious around certain types, if you know what I mean." Weisner added that he has "no problem with Asian Americans."

Republicans Urge Minorities To Get Out And Vote On Nov. 3

MIAMI, FL—With the knowledge that the minority vote will be crucial in the upcoming presidential election, Republican Party officials are urging blacks, Hispanics, and other minorities to make their presence felt at the polls on Wednesday, Nov. 3.

Black Guy Doesn't Talk About All The Times He Didn't Get Discriminated Against

DETROIT, MI—Renald Boyd, 27, of course doesn't mention all the times he wasn't discriminated against, sources reported Tuesday. "I had the lease all set up through an agent," Boyd said. "But then, when I went in to sign it, the landlord suddenly started acting all weird and said he had to run out for a minute. We sat there for an hour before the agent got him on the phone, at which point the landlord said he was looking for a 'quieter type.' This country is insane." Boyd naturally failed to mention that the real-estate agent worked with him with no hesitation, and that the taxi he took away from the real-estate agency was only the second one that he'd attempted to hail.

Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist

LOS ANGELES—Despite occupying opposing roles in a good-cop/bad-cop dyad, LAPD officers Frank K. McGrew, 51, and Bob West, 36, have one thing in common: They're both extremely racist, 77th precinct sources reported Monday.

Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr.

BIRMINGHAM, AL—According to Jeffrey Duncan, 43, his friend Ronald Washington "completely ripped off" his personal mantra from civil-rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. "Ron's always saying how if someone doesn't have a cause worth dying for, then that person's life isn't worth living," Duncan said Monday. "Nice try, Ron, but you can't fool me. You totally stole that whole idea from Dr. King." Duncan said he hopes King's estate "nails Ron's ass for plagiarism."

U.S. Continues Proud Tradition Of Diversity On Front Lines

CAMP COYOTE, KUWAIT—With blacks and Hispanics comprising more than 60 percent of the Army's ground forces in Iraq, the U.S. military is continuing its long, proud tradition of multiculturalism on the front lines of war. "Though racism and discrimination remain problems in society at large, in the military—especially in the lower ranks where you find the cannon fodder—a spirit of inclusiveness has prevailed for decades," Gen. Jim White said Monday. "When it comes to having your head blown off by enemy fire, America is truly colorblind."

White History Year Resumes

WASHINGTON, DC—Scholars say there is a remarkable wealth of documented white history to explore this coming March through December.

Well, I Think Michael Jackson Looks Nice

I don't understand why some people have to build themselves up by tearing other people down. Everywhere I go these days, I hear people making nasty comments about Michael Jackson's appearance. Well, I think Michael Jackson looks very nice.

This Racist Propaganda Practically Writes Itself!

All my life, I dreamed of writing racist propaganda, but I was always too scared to try. I came up with every excuse in the book: I lacked the necessary education, I wasn't a good enough writer, I didn't know enough racial slurs. But then, one day, I gave it a whirl, and you know what? It was easy! The hateful rants just poured out of me and onto the page. I'm telling you, this racist propaganda practically writes itself.

Strom Turns 100

On Dec. 5, U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) turned 100. How did he celebrate the milestone?
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

I'll Have You Know I Have Several Black Friendsters

Me, prejudiced? Of all the slanderous, hurtful, and untrue things you could say! I may have had a somewhat sheltered upbringing, but I'm extremely tolerant of all kinds of people. I would never pass judgment on someone because of the color of his skin. Look, I'll have you know I have several black Friendsters.

I have four Friendsters of color right at this very moment, in fact, and I'll probably connect with even more soon. I log on with no preconceived notions whatsoever.

Take, for example, how I met my very good black Friendster Geoff. I was looking through my college friend Sarah's Friendsters, and he was listed as one of her 62 friends. It turned out Geoff and I both love The Simpsons and The Lord Of The Rings, so I invited him to be my Friendster. I did this without an ounce of prejudice about the fact that he happens to be black. A couple of days later, Geoff accepted my invitation, and we've been Friendsters ever since. Every couple of weeks, we'll IM back and forth about the newest Simpsons episode. Would a "xenophobic suburbanite" do something like that? Would a "clueless, stuck-up, spoiled brat" carry on that kind of intimate Friendstership with a black person?

I'm not saying it's a big deal to have a black Friendster. Does my Friendstership with Geoff make me better than anyone else? No. Would I claim that I'm more cultured and enlightened, just because I have one black Friendster? Of course not. But Geoff's not the only one.

There's also Kim. You see, a couple of months ago, I saw this really cute girl named Shannon in my Friendster Adam's list, so I checked out her profile. After viewing all of her photos and skimming her interests, I started browsing through her female friends, too. Kim was on the second page, about halfway down. She looked really hot in her thumbnail. She's around my age, so I invited her to be in my network. She e-mailed me back—"sure I guess why not ;)"—and we've been hard and fast Friendsters ever since.

As for my other two black Friendsters, Johnny and Sean, I can scarcely remember how they ended up in my circle. You see, Friendstership with a black person is no different from any other Friendstership. Sometimes it's difficult to remember exactly how it started.

Have my black Friendsters changed my worldview? I believe so. Just scrolling through their interests has opened my eyes to things I wouldn't ever have known about if all of my Friendsters were white. Without the influence of Kim and Sean, I probably wouldn't have considered reading Milk In My Coffee by Eric Jerome Dickey. But since they both listed it as one of their favorite books, I may check it out someday.

It's really sad that some of my real-life friends don't have any black Friendsters. They're missing out on so much. After you've become Friendsters with a black person, your eyes are opened to how important it is to explore the diversity that exists in your own Internet community.

Just the other day, I was talking to my cousin Chris, and I found myself thinking, "How can he say Al Sharpton is just a figurehead candidate? Doesn't he see how important it is to have black people in positions of political prominence? Doesn't he understand how hard it is to be a black person in this country?" But of course, Chris doesn't have any black Friendsters, so he probably doesn't ever have to think about these things. I didn't even try to explain. He wouldn't understand.

Someday, I'm going to have a party and invite all of my Friendsters. It sure would be great to meet my black Friendsters in person and see them standing there amongst my coworkers and real friends. I wonder what Johnny is really like? What does Geoff's voice sound like? What kind of clothes would Kim wear? What would Sean think of my apartment? I'm sure we'd all grow a lot that night.

Would I even consider a party like that if I weren't tolerant and compassionate? Does that sound like a party that an "asshole who just doesn't get it" would throw? I didn't think so.

I truly believe that when you open your mind, you stop focusing on the differences between people and begin to notice the similarities. Deep down, we're all just people with profiles on Friendster. Sure, the face in Sean's uploaded jpeg might be black, and the one in mine might be white, but at the end of the day, aren't we both just two humans walking the same earth in search of Activity Partners, Friends, and Dating (Women)?