I'll Smoke Anything

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Vol 31 Issue 10

Radio Talk-Show Caller To Make Point

NEW YORK—In a move sure to enhance listener interest, Bob from Maryland announced plans Monday to make a point next week on the nationally syndicated call-in show Inside Politics With Tony Meiller. "I am going to make a point about the recent fund-raising scandals," Bob from Maryland said. "Then Mr. Meiller will respond to my remarks. It will be interesting."

Barry White De-Euphemized

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Supreme Court ordered the music of '70s R&B love man Barry White to be de-euphemized Monday. According to the court order, White's lush, steamy, romantic ballads "will no longer contain lyrics which are merely suggestive, but instead will offer specific, clinically detailed descriptions of the sex acts they have long represented." The word "love," used often by White, will be digitally remastered on all recordings and changed to "prolonged intercourse." The pronoun "I" will be replaced with "10-inch erect penis." The hit songs "I'm Gonna Love You Just A Little More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe," will be renamed, respectively, "I'm Gonna Penetrate You From Behind Just Six-And-A-Half Hours More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Firm, Juicy Breasts, Babe."

'Must-See TV' Now Enforced By Law

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, President Clinton signed into law the much-discussed "Must-See TV" bill, which requires all Americans to watch NBC's Thursday-night prime-time line-up. "With the signing of this bill, the phrase 'Must-See TV' is no longer merely a strong suggestion by NBC; it is a federally backed order," Clinton said. The president stressed that under the new law, viewers would be required to watch not only the top-rated, Emmy-winning programs Seinfeld, Friends and ER, but also "all of the crappy programs sandwiched in between." Failure to watch Must-See TV will result in fines of up to $250,000 and up to 10 years in federal prison.

Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man

MEDFORD, MA—Medford resident Bob Schroeder spoke out Monday against a ketchup packet he recently acquired at a local restaurant, claiming it was not fancy enough. "The label on the packet clearly indicated it was 'fancy' ketchup, but upon breaking the packet's seal, it was clear that the ketchup was not very fancy at all. In fact, it appeared to be quite ordinary." Melvin Burr, a spokesperson for the manufacturer of the ketchup, denied any wrongdoing. "Our ketchup is processed in accordance with all federal fanciness standards, including the stipulation that all our factory workers be duchesses."

Army General Conducts Exhaustive Sex Probe

LANGLEY, VA—Vowing not to leave a single cadet unexamined, U.S. Army General Edwin B. Schumacher announced Monday that he "will personally conduct the deepest, most exhaustive sex probe in modern military history." The four-star general said he will probe every enlisted man and woman in the U.S. Army, and added that he had already begun the probe at last Saturday night's Stag Ball at the Langley Air Force Base. Pvt. Avery MacCormack said: "I will willingly submit to the general's probe as ordered, but I hope it does not interfere with the sex probes I am also currently undergoing from my company commander, drill sergeant and battalion leader."

Boy George? More Like Girl George, If You Ask Me!

I was watching VH1 the other day, and I saw a video by a rock band called The Culture Club. Now, their song, called "Karma Chameleon," was catchy and pleasant, but I couldn't tell if the lead singer was a man or a woman! I consulted the popular magazines, but, surprisingly, I was not able to find anything on this group. So, my intern did a quick computer search and came up with some juicy info, just the way I like it! So, here's the scoop on these up-and-comers: The lead singer is named Boy George, and he is a man, even though he dresses like a woman. (And not a very well-dressed woman, at that!) All evidence points to him being gay, which, of course, is not a big deal at all to an enlightened man of the 1990s like myself. The other members of The Culture Club all seem to be normal and well-adjusted, seeing as there's very little that appears in the papers about them. Go out and buy their album, called Greatest Hits, and remember—you heard it here first!

Those Do-Gooders Get On My Nerves!

Yesterday, one of those self-righteous spinsters from the Ladies' Auxiliary came to protest my treatment of several orphans who were begging at my front gate. The miserable whelps would yowl songs in the hopes of receiving a ha'penny and a moldy hardtack biscuit or two. Naturally, I had my manservant Standish tell them to buzz off. When they responded with groans and other expressions of insolence, I ordered Standish to release the bear.

Notorious R.I.P.

The Notorious B.I.G. was shot to death last week, almost six months to the day after fellow "gangsta" rapper Tupac Shakur was killed. What do you think about the escalating violence in the rap world?

Al Gore Stood Up On Diplomatic Visit

PARIS—Vice-President Al Gore felt a deep, all-consuming sense of worthlessness Monday, when, after months of careful diplomatic networking, he was stood up by French officials who were supposed to meet him to discuss vital foreign trade issues.
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I'll Smoke Anything

Some guys brag that they only smoke weed. Powerful people often only smoke Cuban cigars. A lot of cigarette smokers are proud of their brand loyalty. Some smoke only herbal cigarettes. Others smoke only Indian beedies. Why's everyone so picky? I don't understand. Me? I'll smoke anything!

I have a test to decide whether I'm willing to smoke something. It goes like this: Will this potential thing to be smoked put me in a pipe and smoke me? No? Then I'm smoking it! Because you have to smoke them before they smoke you! That's what I've learned! That's what I practice!

As a kid, I smoked twigs. Why not? The authorities today are all up in arms about kids smoking trees because they think wood is a "gateway smoke" that will lead children to smoking other, more serious things. Damn right it's a gateway! That's why it should be encouraged! It's a gateway to clarity! A gateway to self-reliance! A gateway to smokin'!

Sure, I bought candy cigarettes as a kid. And you know what? I smoked those things! I bought gum cigarettes. And I smoked those! They didn't influence me to smoke regular cigarettes: Candy items are perfectly smokable on their own! Everything is!

The smart people I know all love "the classics." "The Iliad is such a great story," they say. "Did you ever read Dickens?" No, but I smoked him!

I used to feel like I wasn't familiar enough with the great works of civilization. So I got all the great books they would let me check out from the local library; tore them up; put the pieces into brown paper grocery bags; and rolled those bags into seven monster cigars. And I smoked them! They had a sweet and ambitious flavor! I smoked the history of the world in a week! That was great!

"Did you see Blade Runner?" they ask me. Jesus, of course not! You don't appreciate something by watching it. You appreciate something by smoking it! I rent videotapes, crunch them up, put them in a big pipe, and smoke myself sensible! I've smoked more movies than most people have ever seen! That shocks people. "You shouldn't smoke videotapes," they say. "Plastic fumes are poisonous and will do weird things to you." Weird things? Not unless the satisfaction of having enjoyed a great smoke is a "weird thing."

People ask me if I want to go to the beach. Hey, been there, smoked that. I love smoking sand and dried-up fish. Those are some of the best smokes I've ever had!

I'm not so odd. I love it when my mother cooks up her special manicotti meal. Because I smoke it. And I like falling in love, because I like having a sweetheart who buys me flowers and jewelry. Because that's the kind of stuff I can smoke! I'm a smoker. I hate people who say they're smokers when they only smoke cigarettes. That's lying. They should say, "I'm a smoker in the weakest, most narrow definition of the word." Or, "I smoke only those things that are socially acceptable to smoke." That would make me much happier.

I keep having this dream where I'm at an auction of Nazi memorabilia. Hitler's mustache is on the block, and I bid $18 million and get it, beating out all these museum people and fascists. Then I go home, put some Bach on low, and roll those little mustache hairs into a tight little E-Z Wider joint. Then know what I do? I smoke the shit out of it.

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