adBlockCheck

I'll Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I'll Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay

A guy from work introduced me to his boyfriend this week. He seemed pretty nice, but it was weird, because he didn't look gay at all. He was a computer programmer and looked like any fat, balding slob you'd run into on the street. I have to say, I would never let myself go like that if I were gay.

If I were gay, I would be very well groomed. I'd purchase two high-quality suits, one nice suit jacket, and two pairs of wool trousers. I'd get about eight shirts tailored, and I would own my own tuxedo, for special occasions. I'd grow my buzzcut into a sophisticated Caesar cut, and I would brighten it with tastefully blended golden highlights. Each morning, I would tame my hair's unruly kinks with a dollop of molding paste and a little reparative shine serum. (It's important to use the right products, if you want to maintain healthy hair—especially when it's gay. )

If I were gay, there's no way I'd shave with a disposable razor and a bar of Dial soap, like I do as a straight man. As a gay man, I'd make shaving a ritual. I would prepare my face with a foaming exfoliating cleanser, then I'd use a cucumber shave gel and a sharp blade. I might even use a straight razor that I would sharpen on a soapstone. I would definitely use hot wax to bring my unruly eyebrows under control, and my nose hairs would never see the light of day again.

As a gay man of the world, I would have a career that made use of my inherent talent in art, architecture, fashion, or entertainment. Right now, I bus tables in the hospital cafeteria. But as a homosexual, I would be resourceful enough to channel my passion for antiques into a viable means of self-employment. My antique shop, located in a trendy neighborhood, would attract an interesting mix of university intellectuals, vintage furniture collectors, and fashionable shoppers. Sometimes, my weakness for kitsch would threaten to overpower the sophisticated environment of the store, but I'd manage to mute it. I'm not sure what my lover would do for a living, but I assume he'd run the vintage costume and prop shop next door. I do know this: If I were gay, my lover and I would spend our weekends combing estate sales together.

Gay Keith would have a brassy but likable personality. Even though I would have lost a few of my younger years to partying, wanton sex, and a love affair that ended badly, I would have gained wisdom and experience from this "walk on the wild side." While I would be too honest with myself to ignore life's harsh realities, I would be playful enough to have a sense of humor about them. This sense of humor would be quite salty and acerbic. Some would consider the way I would chide my close female friend—her name would be Trish—for her frumpiness a tad harsh. But I would only tease Trish to encourage her to better herself. I'd see potential in her, even if she didn't.

True, the way I call my real-life wife a lazy slob isn't constructive, just abusive, but heterosexual men aren't as understanding as homosexual ones.

If I were gay, I would donate generous amounts of money to the fight against AIDS. I can't say enough how important that would be to me. AIDS is a global scourge that has taken countless lives in the gay community, and has reached epidemic proportions in many Third World countries. I would donate a portion of my business' profits to various groups that conduct AIDS research, and place a coin-donation bank from a reputable AIDS charity near the cash register in my shop.

Finally, if I were gay, I would make an excellent uncle. My kids know to stay away from me when I'm drunk or watching ESPN, but gay Uncle Keith would be totally different. I'd get down on my hands and knees with the kids and dig for fossils at the children's museum. I'd read to them from the beloved storybooks I'd have saved since childhood. I'd even let them rollerblade on the rooftop of my condo. Then, we'd all pile into my 2001 forest-green Jaguar XK convertible and go out for frosty malts at a retro diner. Sometime in their early teenage years, it would dawn on my nieces and nephews that I didn't own a television, and that I was a homosexual.

I'm still unsure about a few things in my gay life. I haven't decided whether I should re-establish contact with my estranged father. I also don't know whether I should lend money to the fun-loving but irresponsible drag queen who was my first boyfriend after I came out at age 19. Would I enjoy the occasional tab of E or bump of cocaine with my wild friends at the dance clubs, or would I prefer to drink Bombay Sapphire martinis in my living room with a small handful of close confidants? I'm not sure how my laugh would sound. But I do know that I would always be mindful of my many strengths. I wouldn't be afraid to make mistakes, because I would know that that's just a part of the learning process. I would believe in myself, and my happiness would be my own, because I would have sought it on my own terms. After all, things would just keep getting better.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close