I'll Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay

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Vol 40 Issue 07

Former Chinese Dissident Has Your Order Ready

SAN FRANCISCO—Dr. Xu Shui Xian Liang, a founding member of the Autonomous Federation of Beijing's Workers in Tiananmen Square who spent 12 years in a labor camp for his involvement in the anti-dictatorship effort during the Cultural Revolution, is ready with your order. "That's one chipotle chicken-filet sandwich, two large regular salads—tofu bacon on one, a white-chicken-chili soup, and three low-fat blondies," said the former leader of the students' movement in the Guang Tong province. "Would you like your receipt?" Xu, who was tortured into confessing to stealing state assets in collusion with organized crime shortly before he defected to the U.S. in 1999, is sorry, he will be right back with that Diet Coke.

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no.

Teen Responsible For All Six Items In Clarksburg Police Blotter

CLARKSBURG, WV—According to sources at the Clarksburg Telegram, troubled youth Danny Nathum, 17, is responsible for all six items on Monday's police blotter. "We had two disorderly-conduct reports, three counts of vandalism, and one DUI arrest," Telegram assistant editor Jesse Sutton said. "Looks like Mr. Nathum had himself one heck of a busy weekend." Clarksburg, population 16,743, last experienced an all-Nathum crime spree in December, when the teen stole a bicycle, burned down a barn, and punched Old Man Herman.

Specifics Of Hostile Takeover Fiercely Boring

NEW YORK—Details of a "hostile" bid by software manufacturer Octagon Corporation are, in fact, fiercely, mind-numbingly dull, sources reported Tuesday. "Following the SoftWave International board of directors' rejection of Octagon's unsolicited offer, Octagon essentially eliminated SoftWave as an entity by purchasing 300,000 shares at $453.35—$134.34 more than the current market value," financial analyst Bryan Falwick said, droning on endlessly about the supposedly thrilling upset. "Everyone was shocked when Octagon swooped in and nabbed controlling interest." Falwick said he assumed that the forthcoming rollout of the XSpreadsheet software suite motivated the "raid."

William Katt Programs Own Name Into TiVo

LOS ANGELES—Sources close to William Katt said Monday that the Greatest American Hero star has his own name programmed into his TiVo digital video recorder. "Bill gets really excited when he comes home and finds one of his 7th Heaven episodes or sees that he's caught House IV on Cinemax," friend Ray Morris said. "Maybe he does it so he knows to watch for a residual check." Morris said Katt also frequently scans his listing on the Internet Movie Database for errors.

Identity Theft Safeguards

Identity theft is a growing problem in America. What does the Federal Trade Commission suggest consumers do to protect themselves?

Human Cloning

South Korean scientists successfully cloned a human embryo, a procedure some feel is unethical. What do you think?
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I'll Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay

A guy from work introduced me to his boyfriend this week. He seemed pretty nice, but it was weird, because he didn't look gay at all. He was a computer programmer and looked like any fat, balding slob you'd run into on the street. I have to say, I would never let myself go like that if I were gay.

If I were gay, I would be very well groomed. I'd purchase two high-quality suits, one nice suit jacket, and two pairs of wool trousers. I'd get about eight shirts tailored, and I would own my own tuxedo, for special occasions. I'd grow my buzzcut into a sophisticated Caesar cut, and I would brighten it with tastefully blended golden highlights. Each morning, I would tame my hair's unruly kinks with a dollop of molding paste and a little reparative shine serum. (It's important to use the right products, if you want to maintain healthy hair—especially when it's gay. )

If I were gay, there's no way I'd shave with a disposable razor and a bar of Dial soap, like I do as a straight man. As a gay man, I'd make shaving a ritual. I would prepare my face with a foaming exfoliating cleanser, then I'd use a cucumber shave gel and a sharp blade. I might even use a straight razor that I would sharpen on a soapstone. I would definitely use hot wax to bring my unruly eyebrows under control, and my nose hairs would never see the light of day again.

As a gay man of the world, I would have a career that made use of my inherent talent in art, architecture, fashion, or entertainment. Right now, I bus tables in the hospital cafeteria. But as a homosexual, I would be resourceful enough to channel my passion for antiques into a viable means of self-employment. My antique shop, located in a trendy neighborhood, would attract an interesting mix of university intellectuals, vintage furniture collectors, and fashionable shoppers. Sometimes, my weakness for kitsch would threaten to overpower the sophisticated environment of the store, but I'd manage to mute it. I'm not sure what my lover would do for a living, but I assume he'd run the vintage costume and prop shop next door. I do know this: If I were gay, my lover and I would spend our weekends combing estate sales together.

Gay Keith would have a brassy but likable personality. Even though I would have lost a few of my younger years to partying, wanton sex, and a love affair that ended badly, I would have gained wisdom and experience from this "walk on the wild side." While I would be too honest with myself to ignore life's harsh realities, I would be playful enough to have a sense of humor about them. This sense of humor would be quite salty and acerbic. Some would consider the way I would chide my close female friend—her name would be Trish—for her frumpiness a tad harsh. But I would only tease Trish to encourage her to better herself. I'd see potential in her, even if she didn't.

True, the way I call my real-life wife a lazy slob isn't constructive, just abusive, but heterosexual men aren't as understanding as homosexual ones.

If I were gay, I would donate generous amounts of money to the fight against AIDS. I can't say enough how important that would be to me. AIDS is a global scourge that has taken countless lives in the gay community, and has reached epidemic proportions in many Third World countries. I would donate a portion of my business' profits to various groups that conduct AIDS research, and place a coin-donation bank from a reputable AIDS charity near the cash register in my shop.

Finally, if I were gay, I would make an excellent uncle. My kids know to stay away from me when I'm drunk or watching ESPN, but gay Uncle Keith would be totally different. I'd get down on my hands and knees with the kids and dig for fossils at the children's museum. I'd read to them from the beloved storybooks I'd have saved since childhood. I'd even let them rollerblade on the rooftop of my condo. Then, we'd all pile into my 2001 forest-green Jaguar XK convertible and go out for frosty malts at a retro diner. Sometime in their early teenage years, it would dawn on my nieces and nephews that I didn't own a television, and that I was a homosexual.

I'm still unsure about a few things in my gay life. I haven't decided whether I should re-establish contact with my estranged father. I also don't know whether I should lend money to the fun-loving but irresponsible drag queen who was my first boyfriend after I came out at age 19. Would I enjoy the occasional tab of E or bump of cocaine with my wild friends at the dance clubs, or would I prefer to drink Bombay Sapphire martinis in my living room with a small handful of close confidants? I'm not sure how my laugh would sound. But I do know that I would always be mindful of my many strengths. I wouldn't be afraid to make mistakes, because I would know that that's just a part of the learning process. I would believe in myself, and my happiness would be my own, because I would have sought it on my own terms. After all, things would just keep getting better.

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