I'll Thank You Not To Call My Collection Of Sequential-Art Erotica 'Dirty Comics'

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Vol 39 Issue 34

Hope Fades For Survivors In 1999 Turkish Earthquake

IZMIT, TURKEY—Rescuers acknowledged that hope is fading in the search for additional survivors of the massive earthquake that hit the area Tuesday, Aug. 17, 1999. "Tens of thousands of victims were pinned under the wreckage when the many poorly constructed three- and four-story commercial and residential buildings in the region collapsed in the quake," city official Demitri Psaropoulos said Monday. "Sadly, the sweltering heat and lack of water make survival chances slim for anyone still trapped in the rubble." The official death toll from the devastating earthquake reached 17,000 in November 1999.

Jerky Boys Accidentally Prank-Call Last Remaining Fan

NEW YORK—Infamous crank phone-callers Johnny G. Brennan and Kamal Ahmed, better known as the Jerky Boys, unknowingly pranked 22-year-old videostore employee Jake Matson, their last remaining fan, Tuesday. "Hello, this is Frank Rizzo," said Brennan. "I'm throwing a bachelor party and I wanna come over there and rent some smutty animal videos. What kind you got there, sizzle-chest?" Matson, who, unlike his peers, still listens to his Jerky Boys CDs regularly, instantly recognized Brennan's voice and begged him to do a few seconds of Saul Rosenberg.

Suburbanite Shocked By Poor Condition Of Urban Mall

DEER PARK, TX—Forced to pick up a pair of shoes from a Famous Footwear at Sharpstown Mall in Houston Monday, stay-at-home mother Linda Hendrikson, 31, was reportedly shocked by the mall's condition. "It was just so sad," Hendrikson said. "The floors were dirty, the shoes were in disarray, and there didn't seem to be any management. I just can't imagine what it would be like to shop under those conditions every day." Hendrikson said she has more sympathy for the plight of the city's poor after witnessing their mall firsthand.

State Appoints Obviously Hungover Attorney

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—The State of Indiana appointed a nauseated Bill Fenniman, Esq., as legal counsel to suspected arsonist Tom Shilue Monday. "I reviewed your case, and I'd advise you that, since this is your first offense, that... ooh, man," said Fenniman, shielding his eyes from the fluorescent lights in the room. "Listen, why don't you just plead guilty? You're guilty, right?" Fenniman asked to be excused before the pretrial hearing so that he could grab some juice and a quick nap.

High U.S. Incarceration Rates

The Justice Department reports that one in every 37 U.S. adults has been in prison, giving our nation the highest incarceration rate in the world. What do you think?

America's Best Zoo Exhibits

A trip to the zoo is fun and education for the entire family. Here's a list of the top-rated animal exhibits around the country:

Hog Executed Farmland Style

GRUNDY CENTER, IA—Police are investigating the vicious farmland slaying of a prize hog whose methodically gutted corpse was discovered Tuesday in the barn of local livestock farmer Lyle Whitman. "It appears the hit was done with a large butcher knife or some similar cutting implement," said Grundy County Deputy Keith Angrim at a press conference Tuesday. "The hog was hung by its feet with its belly sliced open and its head removed. In addition, all the blood had been drained from the animal's body, and its internal organs were missing." Given the meticulous but brutal nature of the killing, Angrim said he believes the hog was "taken out by a professional."
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I'll Thank You Not To Call My Collection Of Sequential-Art Erotica 'Dirty Comics'

I've been called many unfair names in my day, Grygor, but I never imagined that someone I consider a friend would label me an "onanist" before the entire Animatrix-message-board community. The personal attack was beneath the dignity of an erstwhile standard-bearer of the fan community. I'll thank you, Grygor, to discontinue forthwith your practice of referring to the works contained in my collection of sequential-art erotica as "dirty comics."

Although it may come as news to you, there is a long tradition of sequential artworks in celebration of the human love-act. The works in my collection are borne out of this tradition, and exist far afield from the base pornography you referred to in your posting of Tuesday. How dare you call the pieces in my extensive collection of erotic animated-film stills "girlie cartoons"? Do you honestly compare the masterful line drawings of Milo Manara's Butterscotch series to the pandering output of Wicked Pictures or Larry Flynt Publications? (Your stance on such lesser forms of erotica is well-known, Grygor. Or am I to suppose that the Nikita Denise "Stars Of Adult Cinema" action figure I saw in your merch-bag at San Diego ComiCon got in there by mistake?)

Manara—not that you would be aware of this—is famed throughout the Continent, though sadly unappreciated on these shores, thanks to the ignorance of philistines like yourself. Are you familiar with Manara's collaborations with a certain Federico Fellini, a man who is seen in Italy as a filmmaker on par with our Lucas?

For your information, Grygor, breathtaking depictions of the female form are considered high art in Europe. But I'm willing to bet that Europe's finest comics lie entirely outside of your realm of knowledge, even though you call yourself a fan of "the ninth art." (The French rank comics equally among the other arts—ballet, opera, and the like. Comic artists there enjoy a level of respect that is, in this country, bestowed only upon such universally regarded masters as Rob Liefeld, Todd McFarlane, and Alex Ross.)

But your familiarity with comics is so limited, you couldn't identify Aquaman's wife without recourse to the Justice League FAQ! To think I believed you capable of appreciating the works of the finest erotic artists working in the medium today! Even your knowledge of Metal Hurlant's internationally acclaimed Moebius is confined to the production sketches from The Fifth Element. (Perhaps you've heard of a little something called the Incal series? Oh, great suns of Krypton! Something Grygor doesn't know?!)

Grygor, there is nothing "dirty" about the nude female form, as explored in the Eros sampler Submissive Suzanne #5. I should not be publicly ridiculed simply because I, as a mature adult, have an appreciation for aspects of sexuality lost on an infantile ignoramus such as yourself.

I had no reason to take you into my confidence, Grygor, and show you my collection in the first place, save my evidently incorrect appraisal of you as someone who could appreciate the finer things of fandom. And how did you reward my trust? By calling me "Pervertimus Prime" before the entire online community.

Far from aberrant, my collection represents the full breadth and width of human sexuality. My works range from serious literary works like Story Of O, by Guido Crepax, to such playful fare as Cherry Poptart, by Larry Welz. And, for your information, the majority of the comics you so cruelly maligned are published by no less an authority on the form than Gary Groth. Had you behaved with more maturity, I might have shown you the crown jewel of my collection: a signed first-edition copy of the moving tale of an anthropomorphic cat's personal journey into sexual discovery, Reed Waller and Kate Worley's Omaha The Cat Dancer. Oh, but you'll never see that, Grygor.

Nor will you ever lay your eyes upon Frank Thorne's Ghita Of Alhizaar, Lann, or the timeless classic Moonshine McJuggs. The sophisticated sensibilities of works like the Little Annie Fanny: Complete Hardcover Limited Edition are beyond the scope of your intellect, as well. As, I am guessing, would be my extensive collection of the finest mangerotica available outside of Japan. No, those tender coming-of-age stories would be as pearls before swine.

I hope you realize now, Grygor—or shall I call you "trinitysbyfrnd," as I see that is what you're calling yourself on the Wachowski Brothers message board—that there is nothing "dirty" about my erotica collection, save what "dirtiness" you, in your benightedness, brought to it. Until you learn to show respect for that which you clearly know nothing about, consider your instant-message username blocked.

P.S.: I want my Doctor Who: The Key To Time TVD box set returned posthaste.

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