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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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I'll Thank You Not To Call My Collection Of Sequential-Art Erotica 'Dirty Comics'

I've been called many unfair names in my day, Grygor, but I never imagined that someone I consider a friend would label me an "onanist" before the entire Animatrix-message-board community. The personal attack was beneath the dignity of an erstwhile standard-bearer of the fan community. I'll thank you, Grygor, to discontinue forthwith your practice of referring to the works contained in my collection of sequential-art erotica as "dirty comics."

Although it may come as news to you, there is a long tradition of sequential artworks in celebration of the human love-act. The works in my collection are borne out of this tradition, and exist far afield from the base pornography you referred to in your posting of Tuesday. How dare you call the pieces in my extensive collection of erotic animated-film stills "girlie cartoons"? Do you honestly compare the masterful line drawings of Milo Manara's Butterscotch series to the pandering output of Wicked Pictures or Larry Flynt Publications? (Your stance on such lesser forms of erotica is well-known, Grygor. Or am I to suppose that the Nikita Denise "Stars Of Adult Cinema" action figure I saw in your merch-bag at San Diego ComiCon got in there by mistake?)

Manara—not that you would be aware of this—is famed throughout the Continent, though sadly unappreciated on these shores, thanks to the ignorance of philistines like yourself. Are you familiar with Manara's collaborations with a certain Federico Fellini, a man who is seen in Italy as a filmmaker on par with our Lucas?

For your information, Grygor, breathtaking depictions of the female form are considered high art in Europe. But I'm willing to bet that Europe's finest comics lie entirely outside of your realm of knowledge, even though you call yourself a fan of "the ninth art." (The French rank comics equally among the other arts—ballet, opera, and the like. Comic artists there enjoy a level of respect that is, in this country, bestowed only upon such universally regarded masters as Rob Liefeld, Todd McFarlane, and Alex Ross.)

But your familiarity with comics is so limited, you couldn't identify Aquaman's wife without recourse to the Justice League FAQ! To think I believed you capable of appreciating the works of the finest erotic artists working in the medium today! Even your knowledge of Metal Hurlant's internationally acclaimed Moebius is confined to the production sketches from The Fifth Element. (Perhaps you've heard of a little something called the Incal series? Oh, great suns of Krypton! Something Grygor doesn't know?!)

Grygor, there is nothing "dirty" about the nude female form, as explored in the Eros sampler Submissive Suzanne #5. I should not be publicly ridiculed simply because I, as a mature adult, have an appreciation for aspects of sexuality lost on an infantile ignoramus such as yourself.

I had no reason to take you into my confidence, Grygor, and show you my collection in the first place, save my evidently incorrect appraisal of you as someone who could appreciate the finer things of fandom. And how did you reward my trust? By calling me "Pervertimus Prime" before the entire online community.

Far from aberrant, my collection represents the full breadth and width of human sexuality. My works range from serious literary works like Story Of O, by Guido Crepax, to such playful fare as Cherry Poptart, by Larry Welz. And, for your information, the majority of the comics you so cruelly maligned are published by no less an authority on the form than Gary Groth. Had you behaved with more maturity, I might have shown you the crown jewel of my collection: a signed first-edition copy of the moving tale of an anthropomorphic cat's personal journey into sexual discovery, Reed Waller and Kate Worley's Omaha The Cat Dancer. Oh, but you'll never see that, Grygor.

Nor will you ever lay your eyes upon Frank Thorne's Ghita Of Alhizaar, Lann, or the timeless classic Moonshine McJuggs. The sophisticated sensibilities of works like the Little Annie Fanny: Complete Hardcover Limited Edition are beyond the scope of your intellect, as well. As, I am guessing, would be my extensive collection of the finest mangerotica available outside of Japan. No, those tender coming-of-age stories would be as pearls before swine.

I hope you realize now, Grygor—or shall I call you "trinitysbyfrnd," as I see that is what you're calling yourself on the Wachowski Brothers message board—that there is nothing "dirty" about my erotica collection, save what "dirtiness" you, in your benightedness, brought to it. Until you learn to show respect for that which you clearly know nothing about, consider your instant-message username blocked.

P.S.: I want my Doctor Who: The Key To Time TVD box set returned posthaste.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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