adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
End Of Section
  • More News

I'll Treat You Right

Let me explain something to you. I'm from the old school, you understand. I'll treat you right. There ain't nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you, baby. You know what I'm saying?

When you and I go out to eat, I'm gonna pull out your chair for you to sit down. This is a classy maneuver that means I respect you and know how to treat you right. And during our dinner together I'm gonna be whispering in your ear a sweet stream of compliments regarding your exquisite beauty. "Baby," I'll say, "your lips are like a luscious, red ocean of desire. And my lips will be like a boat upon that ocean." And any other variety of compliment.

And when it comes down to making love, I'm going to touch your body like it's never been touched before. I will remove my hat upon your request, because that is the right thing to do. I will be remembered as the best lover in your life, because I treat my lover right. And when I'm making love to you, I will say, "Ooh, sugar... Yeah... Mmm... Mmm-Mmm... Damn..."

"You are mine," I will say with a warm smile. Then I will rub your feet for several hours in front of the fire while we listen to Keith Sweat.

When we go to the park, I will whisper to you, "My sweet baby, your eyes are like pearls and your hair is like moon beams." I will caress your hand. And I will then get on my knees in front of the park bench and say to you, "I am your man. I would do anything for you, baby. Anything at all." I will then present you with a beautiful diamond. This is how you will be treated, because you are my special one and only.

Baby, you look so good right now, I wanna get freaky with you right here on this table.

One night, you and I will take a romantic ride in a horse and carriage through town. That will be the night I will profess my love to you. "Baby, you got to me mine—forever in my life," I will say. Then I will take you home and feed oysters to you by candlelight, my sweet chocolate pudding. I will do this all night long. All night long.

You and I will take a bubble bath, and I will rub you from head to toe, every move slow and sophisticated. I will even remove my ring for the event. We will drink champagne in the bath tub until dawn, and I will sing to you, "You are the only one in my life / You are the one I dream of / My heart, my soul, my life is yours."

I would do anything for you. I will rub your body with exotic oils. I treat my baby right.

Smoove B's syndicated column, I'll Treat You Right, appears weekly in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close