I'll Treat You Right

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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I'll Treat You Right

Let me explain something to you. I'm from the old school, you understand. I'll treat you right. There ain't nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you, baby. You know what I'm saying?

When you and I go out to eat, I'm gonna pull out your chair for you to sit down. This is a classy maneuver that means I respect you and know how to treat you right. And during our dinner together I'm gonna be whispering in your ear a sweet stream of compliments regarding your exquisite beauty. "Baby," I'll say, "your lips are like a luscious, red ocean of desire. And my lips will be like a boat upon that ocean." And any other variety of compliment.

And when it comes down to making love, I'm going to touch your body like it's never been touched before. I will remove my hat upon your request, because that is the right thing to do. I will be remembered as the best lover in your life, because I treat my lover right. And when I'm making love to you, I will say, "Ooh, sugar... Yeah... Mmm... Mmm-Mmm... Damn..."

"You are mine," I will say with a warm smile. Then I will rub your feet for several hours in front of the fire while we listen to Keith Sweat.

When we go to the park, I will whisper to you, "My sweet baby, your eyes are like pearls and your hair is like moon beams." I will caress your hand. And I will then get on my knees in front of the park bench and say to you, "I am your man. I would do anything for you, baby. Anything at all." I will then present you with a beautiful diamond. This is how you will be treated, because you are my special one and only.

Baby, you look so good right now, I wanna get freaky with you right here on this table.

One night, you and I will take a romantic ride in a horse and carriage through town. That will be the night I will profess my love to you. "Baby, you got to me mine—forever in my life," I will say. Then I will take you home and feed oysters to you by candlelight, my sweet chocolate pudding. I will do this all night long. All night long.

You and I will take a bubble bath, and I will rub you from head to toe, every move slow and sophisticated. I will even remove my ring for the event. We will drink champagne in the bath tub until dawn, and I will sing to you, "You are the only one in my life / You are the one I dream of / My heart, my soul, my life is yours."

I would do anything for you. I will rub your body with exotic oils. I treat my baby right.

Smoove B's syndicated column, I'll Treat You Right, appears weekly in over 250 newspapers nationwide.