I'm A Dinner-Party Animal

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Good Times

I'm A Dinner-Party Animal

Whoo-hoo! It's Friday night, people! Time to shake off the week, crack open a carafe of Zinfandel, get my hands in the canapés, and let loose. It's dinner-party time!

After a long, hard week at the office, I am ready to let off some serious steam at Ethan's dinner party tonight. A buddy of mine invited me to a cheese-tasting on the West Side, but I was, like, "Sorry, Oliver–tonight's my night to rage." From the mouth-watering hors d'oeuvres to the palate-cleansing sorbet, it's going to be one full-throttle banquet. Shit, yeah!

Ethan's blowouts are where I first earned my rep as the ultimate dinner-party animal. I'm the guy who arrives with a bottle of Chardonnay and Pinot noir. I'm the guy who gets the Debussy pumpin' on the stereo when things slow down. There's no greater compliment than a high five from yours truly for a beautiful centerpiece or for having enough two-pronged escargot forks for all. Those are the things that make a dinner party a dinner par-tay. Otherwise, you might as well be having people over for an after-dinner grappa.

Man, I cannot wait for tonight. I am going to be dinner-partying 'til the break of 11:30 p.m. When I see lit candles, folded cloth napkins, and matching place settings, it makes me want to throw my hands in the air and shout, "Come on, all y'all dinner-party people in the house! You ready to make some pleasant conversation? Let me hear you say yeah!"

I've lived this dinner-party lifestyle so long, my friends say my heart pumps bouillabaisse. Some people think my stomach's going to fail, or I'll become lactose intolerant and be forced to give up this 24-7 dinner-party lifestyle. That's never gonna happen. I come from a long line of over-the-top gourmands. My dad was–and still is–a dinner-party animal, even though he recently developed a seafood allergy that's taken a bit of the gusto out of him. But back in the day, man, he could really put away those ladyfingers. I'm the same way.

I remember this one time, my friend Hamilton came down to visit from Newport. We went to this dinner party my friend Chance was throwing. Now, Chance throws a mean dinner party, the kind that sends most pot-luck wimps crying to Mama. But I don't think even anyone there was prepared for the dining-room roof Hamilton and I would raise that night. It was insane. Hamilton out-ate, out-toasted, and out-chatted everyone in the room. He's a dinner-party legend. Even the so-called "Dinner-Party Kings" were humbled by his knowledge of flatware placement. When everyone else was slumped in the couches with their belts loosened, Hamilton and I were still scarfing Russian tea cakes.

Yeah, I'll probably slow down someday. But until then, I'm gonna rock out at every dinner party I can. So, if you wanna kick your own dinner party into high gear, just send me an invite and strap yourself in. Because I don't stop until the last slice of lemon-meringue pie is gone.

Just don't call me if you're throwing a cocktail party. They're for pussies.